I hope no one actually read this because it's just sort of to get it out of my system but there are some things I really need to say (so if you read it then I guess it was meant for you to know this about me).
I am a dork. It's hard for me to admit it, but there it is. I mean I really love myself (not in an egotistical kinda way) but I am such a loser sometimes. I have also never had a good life until now; I use this as an excuse, and I know I shouldn't, but maybe, just maybe it is a valid excuse. Last year was miserable. I somehow hated every minute of it, though I don't remember why. I don't remember why I hated York or the people that went there. Part of that is because I hated myself. I hated myself for acting like such an idiot last year; trying to be something/someone I'm not to fit in. Why did I do it? I know I always wanted to fit in but did I really hate myself that bad? I know it wasn't all my fault. There was a lot of people at York that just gave me really nasty, mean vibes but did I have to go and let them win? Why did I cave and let them prove that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, or capable of the tasks they gave me? I want it back! I want time to go back so I can fix this giant blemish in the face of my life! I want to prove to them that I can do it, and more importantly prove to myself that I can do it. I just feel like I'm floating in this giant abyss. I can't move forward until I fix it, but I can't go back. I just, I just don't know anymore, I just want to be free of this shadow. I have to do something to free myself of this pain. So, here it is; I'm sorry; this is my apology to all those I have hurt or wasn't true to. For all those I lied to and all those to whom I pretend to be something else. More importantly I apologize to my self for doing all these things and causing this pain. Maybe, if you do read this, you'll forgive me. Forgive me and forget me; just let me drift quietly out of your plain of existence. Just promise if you've read this that you won't pity me. I've always gone for the pity angle and it isn't a pretty one. So that's it. I'm launching this in to cyber-space and wishing the best. Is there anymore any of us can do than wish for the best and let time heal all wounds? But it wasn't the best, and I'm still waiting on time. So maybe, just maybe, this will help...
