Transition

So much change in so little time. It's really quite crazy. I look back at that girl I was in high school, just a few months ago, and I hardly even recognize her. She was so awkward. She spent so much time worrying what other people thought of her. She really had so much fear.

It's really hard to even fathom how much I've grown up since then. I mean sure, I'm 18, by no means am I done with this transition, but I'm pausing to glance around in the midst. The foundation of who I am will always be me. But I like the person I am now so much better. She's so much more assured. She's so incredibly strong.

It's funny. You go through high school and every little thing seems so important. The experiences you'll take with you, the true friendships will stay, and the memories you'll cherish...but the second it's over, you look back and realize that none of that other bullshit mattered.

In a Perfect World

I can't wait to be in this place

Be it actual, or metaphorical I don't care

So long as it is

A place where I don't have to wake up to yelling

Or fall asleep in tears

A place where I'm not told daily that I'm ugly,

useless,

unwanted

A place that truly let's me believe that the only opinion of me that matters is my own

A place where I can make my own life choices,

and not have them questioned

A place where I don't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep at night

Or how I'm going to afford food for the day

A place where I don't have to be beaten

and told over and over again that I deserve it

until I actually start to b e l i e v e

A place where I don't have to be yelled at for crying

Told tears are for the spineless

A place that I will not be told that I am unloved

told that I never have been and never will be

because I'm a "useless fucking cunt"

My own mother rues the day I was born.

A place where the people in my life aren't after having power over me,

So high and mighty in their authority

Holding it over my head with crossed arms and taunting faces

Perfect image of a three-year-old, spoiled rotten

They tell me that this place, does in fact exist.

I hope and pray that it does.

But sometimes it's hard to hang on to you're hope.

In fact, after so many years,

It can be hard just trying to convince yourself that you're worthy of anything better.

Calm Before the Storm

I have this dream sometimes

I sit comfortably,

Wrapped in the blanket of my life I am cozy an warm

All is quite, and peaceful

But then I start to shiver

A chill sets in

I grow cold

The blanket starts to rock like waves

Until it has sublimated completely

Suddenly, I'm beneath a dark ocean

Black water enveloping my spirit

It pulls me

down

Fast, powerful waves thrash me about, ripping me apart

A suffocation I can feel in my veins

I don't remember which way is up.

I don't remember how I got here.

I don't remember what it feels like to be safe.

Not My Mother's Daughter

She would love the way he opens doors for me

She would love the way he always pays

She would love the way he is sweet and kind

Though she would chastise me for relying on a man

She would hate his family,

his household,

his parents

Three of the things I love most

She would hate the way he behaves,

the way he is so completely his own person

She would love his sense of humor

if ever she gave it a chance

I would hope she would see that her daughter, does in fact, have some sense of giving her affections only to the worthy

She would hate the trivial things

Like the height difference

Or his heritage

He is the greatest thing in my life

And she the worst

She would hate a great many of the things that make me love him

And she would hate that he is mine

Bartholomew and Jack

Is it?

Is it crazy to think you can have met your one and only at 17?

"Yes," I tell myself.

Preposterous.

But sometimes I don't know.

The way you talk about forever sometimes makes me wish it were so.

I really start to believe you.

And we aren't like them.

Not at all.

What we have is so...indescribable.

I really just can't imagine us going wrong.

I can't picture us fighting.

There would never be a taking for granted.

We're different.

But how many lost little girls have I heard that from?

"Sure you are," became my standard cynical reply.

Maybe I really didn't have the perspective to judge them.

This too shall probably blow up in my face.

But I just don't see it.

The way you are just makes me loose my sense.

...And I told them I wanted to fall in love...

Bliss

It wasn't this all-powerful thing it's always presented as. I didn't come out of it a different person. It didn't turn me into some lovesick puppy. My life was not transformed or even conceivably altered.

I was happy. Really happy. The happiest I can ever remember being. The second I was living it I completely forgot what I was ever worried about. Every discussion I'd had with anyone, any sage piece of wisdom they'd try to pass on from their mistakes - when it came down to it, the only thing that truly mattered was what was in my heart.

It's one of those things that can be generalized. It often is. People say "this is right" "that is wrong", but it's not like that. For every person it's different, and even then with every person it's different.

I've been told I lucked out. But for me, life right now is absolutely marvelous. :)