The facts are these: I have lived, all my life, in an abusive home. Be it manifested more on the physical or verbal spectrum at any given time, it was always the bottom line of my familial existence. I have spent 18 years miserable in this environment. No my mother is not a North Korean dictator. Not every single moment of my life has been miserable. We have had our happy memories. In the past few years, it is almost even safe to say that things were alright most of the time. But despite things being "okay," the residue of the tortured relationship of my mother and father is still palpable between her and me. A phantom in our connection, it is a ghost that won't let go. She looks at the person she thinks I am with eyes of disgust and blame - to her, I am wicked and at fault for all of her problems. It is also the case that no matter how long she is in my life, and even after I eventually (hopefully) escape her, my being at fault will remain the truth in her eyes. I will be blamed for everything from her poor health, to her sham of a marriage, to her self-induced misery.
After hearing her voice for the first time today, any doubt about my actions was evaporated completely. I do not deserve to blamed for someone's life. I should not have to live in fear - of her, of verbal or physical violence. I, as an incredibly mature and responsible being of my age (which I shall be so bold as to state with momentary certainty that I am), have every right to a free and happy life. A life away from game playing, and power trips, and guilting, and incessant sensory hate. A life away from a miserable past, and from dwelling on it, and talking about it over and over again. A life away from two absolutely volatile and miserable "adults," who's only intention is to weave themselves silly in spiderwebs of deceit, playing power games and attempting to inflict as much hurt and darkness upon others as they feel inside.
I am not being childish or petty about this. Though the freedom of going where I want, or staying out til whenever is certainly a perk I have enjoyed -one that has me to question the validity of my logic in this whole affair - I re-realised today that it is certainly not my bottom line. I support myself, medically, financially, etc. School and two jobs - I am doing my absolute best to make it so that I require nothing of her. I am certainly not trying to act out, or be dramatic, or even cast blame. I do not want to run off and do drugs, or bitch about how mean my mommy is. This woman may have given me life, a fact to which I attest and know I should be grateful. But she has done nothing short of making me regret that as she does every single day of my existence. Honor thy father and mother, most religions ask of us, but from my perspective, I have paid my penance. I owe these people nothing more than I have already given. And be the very damnation of my soul the cost, I refuse to allow my life to be sucked in to someone else's black hole of misery.
I, Katherine Elizabeth Stevens, am ready to begin my new life. I am ready to wake up, and be happy, and not have to fight so goddamned hard for that every single day. I am ready to be done with drama and with second guessing. I don't care what happened in the past. Mom, Dad, you both are who you are and that's fine by me. I'm not angry about anything you have done to me, I understand you both as people and your individual logics too well for that. This is not about blame, or judgement, or me wanting to cause any more drama than we have all already been through here. Play your games all you want to, I don't mind. But I refuse to be apart of them any more.
No love. No hate. No anger. No affect. Just done.
