Better in the morning

Late at night, the world can be a strange and scary place.

It can overwhelm,

make things seem far worse then they are,

drive you to hysterics.

Late at night, those things you know to be rationally true are suddenly irrational.

The ones you admitt to yourself,

the ones you don't,

sometimes, late at night, you feel all of it at once.

Funny how true it is what they say.

That everything looks brighter with the dawn of a new day,

what wonders can unfold within the new awakening brought by a good nights rest.

Amazing how you wake up wondering what you were ever even worried about at all;

How you can fall into someone's arms and feel so right that, at that moment,

doubt seems impossible.

The way you wake up smiling, even after a hard night, and dance around your room in your pajamas.

In that moment, as with the dawn of a new day, the problems of darkness that once weighed so heavily now float away with the clarifying light of rational.

And you realize,

your fears were unfounded

and your only reality is happiness.

Say It Ain't So

I have never been the kind of girl who needed a boyfriend. Granted, there have been times in my life where I felt lonely, or wanted to know what this or that experience is like, or wanted to have someone to love or be loved by, but being "single" has never been something that bothered me. I'm just not that girl.

Now countrary to that, being single is never something I particularly wanted. I was single. That was the fact, the way it was, simple as that. Then I was in a relationship, and that became the way it was, simple yet again.

Lately I feel like I want to pull away. Maybe it's the moving backing home. I find myself slowly surrendering to my mother's will. Trying someway to fix things, I start conforming to her ideal of me hoping it will gaining me the affection and approval I so desire. Nathan is not part of her ideal of me.

Or maybe it's the depression. Pills and therapy and bullshit, so so much bullshit; I feel like I don't have time for anyone but me right now. And even if I do I feel like I don't want to spend time on anyone but me right now. I do this thing where I just give and give and give of myself until I snap - I can't take it anymore, so I cut everyone off completely and pour everything I've got into myself for a little while until I'm feeling good and then I just start right back, giving it all away again. It's like I don't know how to take care of myself. Or at least I don't know how to care for myself ahead of others. I certainly don't know how to tell anyone "no."

Or maybe it's this going away to college. After everything I've been through these last few months I just want to cut ties with everyone and everything here. Move away. Start fresh. Be in a new place with new people. Focus on myself. No attatchments from the past. Just looking out for me, starting my new life.

Or maybe I just pictured myself going off to college, being single, having boys finally give me the time of day, like I feel they just might now. Now that I've a sense of that whole scene. Now that I've got a sense of myself.

Or maybe it's just a bad couple of days. I haven't heard from Nathan hardly at all. I'm barely going to see him for our two weeks together and then it's four months apart. Maybe I'm just feeling the additional distance and it's weighing me down.

I wonder sometimes, if everyone thinks about things as much as I do. Every decision, be it what college to go to, or how to respond to a comment, or what to drink with breakfast in the morning, I think about it over and over, scrutinizing, struggling to think from every angle, trying to ascertain what my biases might be, so that I might make the best, most true and unbiased possible decision. I fear mistakes more than anything. I can't stand the thought of failure. It inhibits me from action altogether sometimes.

I think mostly it's just knowing that Nathan and I aren't forever. And him and I have discussed this, when it ends, it's going to be me. Now it's just a matter of when. How do I know when? Is it now? Four months from now? Next year? How do I know what the experation date is here? Will I just wake up one morning and just know? Because I certainly can't imagine him messing up so bad that a break-up is only logical. I also know it won't just happen gradually (well, unless that's what's already occured here). And I would never forgive myself if the time was right, and on some level I knew, but I tried to ignore it until I made some drunken mistake and messed up so bad I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I don't want this to be over. I don't want to loose someone I love so much. Someone who has become such a good friend, and, through fault of my own, my only true friend. And I know right now I need him. The way I want to run away, it's really when I need him more then ever. But I just can't shake that feeling to run.

Rori Gilmore felt guilty about feeling distant when she was the one who'd been broken up with; so how the hell do I get through this from the other side? How do I know when it's over? And how do I make sure I'm not about to make a huge mistake?

Tired

I hate the word "lover". I don't know why. It just bothers me.

This relates to nothing I had to say here, but then I wonder, did I have anything to say at all?

I feel like I don't know how to do this blog thing anymore. Gone are the days that it just came to me. In many ways I feel with them has gone days when I was in connect with myself. Lately it's all just a jumble. Living life day to day. Getting by. Uncertain of the future. It's really not the worst. Mediocrity is not what I thought it was. I don't think I'd mind a life of minimum wage and fast food meals and back yard barbeques and bridge club. Ambition was once my identity, and now I'm not even sure it's something I want as a part of me anymore. So much for my already dwindling sense of motiviation.

I moved home today. It's what I'd wanted for a few weeks, but now I don't know. What was I fighting for in the first place? And now, here, have I undone all that good? Did I make a point at all? Or is it simply a time we'll look back on one day. "The lost months."

College starts soon. I guess I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared I can't do it. I'm worried about how much I'm going to miss here, and Nathan. We both know we CAN do it, but what if I get there and I don't want to. What if things change? I've lived through change. I thought I was good at it. Doesn't mean it's ever something I've loved.

I wrote because all day I felt like writing. All week I've felt like writing. Hell, I've been dreaming of writing for a while now. Again, well, like I use to. But these last few months I just feel so worn. By the world, by my family, by the depression I've been battling. On the bad days, days like today, I wonder if I'll ever feel anything other than apathy ever again. I mean, logically I know it's a passing phase; but that doesn't make it any easier to get out of bed.

This blog is one of the few things I'm proud of. I feel I owe it to myself, and to the reader, to make every post a full effort, passionate and precise. Worthy of your time, worthy of my pride. I miss the days when writing came easy for me. When it was as I intended it to be, a cathartic method to explore not only the outer world, but the inner depths of my soul. But now I'm a little lost. Out here on my own I'm just trying to find myself again. Writing was once where I did that. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and be me.