Dreams of You Again...

I had a dream about you a few nights ago. Vivid as reality. We were in Nate's back room. It was night. It was silent. I don't know how we'd gotten there, or how long we stayed.

You walked over to shut the door. A solemn, serious expression on your face. You walked back and sat down on the bed next to where I was laying without so much as glancing at me.

We had sex. We had sex and it was passionate and sorrowful and amazing. There were no words. There was no kissing. No passionate staring into each others eyes. But somehow it was the closest to "making love" I've ever experienced.

Something to know that our love was fierce and passionate, and that even if it's over, it was real.

We must've fallen asleep, or I did at least. I was vaguely aware of you getting up, getting dressed, and walking out the door - shutting it behind you. Both of us still with our somber expressions.

And I knew somehow that that was it, that I would never see you again.

And it was beautiful. And it was perfect.

Something, anything to prove that we existed. Something to make me feel like I actually meant something to you, to prove that I still do.

And I woke up wishing it had been real.

dreams

i spend way to much time dreaming of my past

of days with you

of how i want them back

unshakable shadows

so let's dream for a moment

something beyond you

i forget such a world exists

what would i want if i wasn't so wrapped in darkness?

to be loved, that's for sure

but more

i want something wild passionate and free

i want to feel alive

i want to care about something, anything, other than you

i want romance

and adventure

with you i lived the only life i've ever known

i want a life, any life

any life but my own

grateful

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could call you up, that we could gab for hours.

That we could laugh and talk about life.

That I could cry and telling you all the dark scary things I wish you knew.

I miss that dynamic. It was beautiful and I will always remember it fondly.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

But as the healing progresses, mostly I just want to thank you.

Thank you for the way you always asked. The way you were cautious with my heart.

Thank you for talking. Thank you for listening. For the way you were always patient.

Thank you for making my life better. For knowing how to make me happy whether it was a Tuesday afternoon, or the moment I needed it most.

Thank you for teaching me about love, life, sex, relationships.

Thank you for teaching me about myself.

Thank you for always making me feel safe and loved.

Thank you for being the person I could call at two in the morning.

Thank you for gas money, football tickets, and giant teddy bears.

Thank you for memories I will always cherish.

Thank you for moving on, for forcing me to do the same.

Thank you for loving me, and letting me love you in return. For breaking my heart. For opening my eyes. For making me stronger.

Boxes

It's scary. The way it feels like none of it ever existed.

Past, present, future, possibility.

The way we compartmentalize our lives.

Taylor's been gone just a couple of days. Others longer. I moved into a new room today. I have to remind myself first semester happened...didn't it?

I had a flash a minute later, questioning Nathan. That seems weird considering how much he's still on my mind. But I did. Did that really happen? Somehow I don't believe it. That summer must be a dream, the way it's hazy in my memory.

Sort of like my reality with Jesse. It's like he, that world, that dynamic, they don't exist. I don't believe it when I'm not in it.

I see pictures of myself at Cherubs. I can feel Lake Michigan on my bare feet. I remember the summer air, the fireflies. I feel it, but I don't.

Out of sight, out of mind I suppose.