i remember my first trip to the ocean
standing on my father's feet as he walked me into the water
feeling the cold rush over my bare feet
the fear and excitement of such vast mystery
the way the water would rock you
with the tide all things passed
out with the old and in with the new
an endless expanse of life washing over your senses
it was my safety
my religion
my place of peace
rolling in the soft endless grass
but then we moved to a place where the grass wasn't as soft
still i'd roll carelessly through the backyard
a million little cuts marking up my legs as i went
stopping only to marvel at the lines that covered my shins and my calves
but in the moment, i couldn't feel it
so, i ignored what was
i got up, moved on
this new house was near a beach
one afternoon, my mother took us
a strange new land of wonder and exploration so vast and overwhelming
i soon forgot my backyard
the familiar momentarily out-shined by the new
and i raced head first into the world in front of me
(something i often do in life)
i found my self startled
the water was cold, yes, but more
suddenly i felt a million red-hot needles searing in my legs
the salt filled my wounds
and suddenly, i felt it, i felt it all
but it was too late
my safe haven shattered by a painful memory of momentary happiness
the water had touched my skin and now there was nothing to do but wait til the pain subsided
all things heal with distance, with time
since you, my life seems an endless staring out at a vast ocean
i ran into it once
almost instantly regretting my decision
the pain of a million red-hot needles covering my body
like infinite pinpricks on my heart
but it was too late
what once was peace now was pain
so i let you go
i stepped away from the water and i waited
through every torturous moment i waited
time passed
the tides turned
i healed
i forgot, if only for a moment
ever since, i stand on the shore
staring out at the vast and glorious ocean
marveling at the tranquility of endless horizon
until the moment rises where i almost feel free
i forget my wounds and charge head-first into the water
but the second my foot descends into the cold, murkiness i am reminded
a million little cuts that will never heal
a million pinpricks for an eternity on my heart
i see the summer
i see your face
if only i'd known
if only i'd been more careful
i retreat
gasping to fight the pain of freshly salted old wounds
shutting my eyes tight
waiting to forget again
to stare blissfully at the world from a safe distance
waiting for the agony to subside
i wonder if i'll ever again be able to enjoy the ocean
