Something I Need to Say...

I hope no one actually read this because it's just sort of to get it out of my system but there are some things I really need to say (so if you read it then I guess it was meant for you to know this about me).
I am a dork. It's hard for me to admit it, but there it is. I mean I really love myself (not in an egotistical kinda way) but I am such a loser sometimes. I have also never had a good life until now; I use this as an excuse, and I know I shouldn't, but maybe, just maybe it is a valid excuse. Last year was miserable. I somehow hated every minute of it, though I don't remember why. I don't remember why I hated York or the people that went there. Part of that is because I hated myself. I hated myself for acting like such an idiot last year; trying to be something/someone I'm not to fit in. Why did I do it? I know I always wanted to fit in but did I really hate myself that bad? I know it wasn't all my fault. There was a lot of people at York that just gave me really nasty, mean vibes but did I have to go and let them win? Why did I cave and let them prove that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, or capable of the tasks they gave me? I want it back! I want time to go back so I can fix this giant blemish in the face of my life! I want to prove to them that I can do it, and more importantly prove to myself that I can do it. I just feel like I'm floating in this giant abyss. I can't move forward until I fix it, but I can't go back. I just, I just don't know anymore, I just want to be free of this shadow. I have to do something to free myself of this pain. So, here it is; I'm sorry; this is my apology to all those I have hurt or wasn't true to. For all those I lied to and all those to whom I pretend to be something else. More importantly I apologize to my self for doing all these things and causing this pain. Maybe, if you do read this, you'll forgive me. Forgive me and forget me; just let me drift quietly out of your plain of existence. Just promise if you've read this that you won't pity me. I've always gone for the pity angle and it isn't a pretty one. So that's it. I'm launching this in to cyber-space and wishing the best. Is there anymore any of us can do than wish for the best and let time heal all wounds? But it wasn't the best, and I'm still waiting on time. So maybe, just maybe, this will help...

Expectations

I HATE MATH! I have a test tomorrow and I failed the "take-home" test. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't ask my mom for help and I can't not ask her. It is a no win situation. I am supposed to get strait A's. I want to understand but I have tried and I don't get it. By getting C's in math I am starting to fail my other classes. I'm am just so pissed off. Can't I just skip math I'm not going to need it. If I do I'll just hire someone to do it for me. My dad failed school and eventually dropped out and he's a millionaire, where as my mom got strait A's and skipped two grades and made practically nothing when she was working. What is the point of life? You're born, you live, you die. Why? I wish I was perfect. I will never be good enough for my mom. I will never live up to her expectations. That is all I've ever wanted.

Nightmare Before Birthday

OMG! I had like the worst dream last night. I'm staying with my dad and his apartement is really creepy because you can here trains and the machines from the factory all night long. (My dad's apartment is inside one of his buildings (he manufactures industrial fabrics)) So anyway, I told my parents that I didn't want anything for my birthday because I have enough already. ( I do. I have always had everything I've ever wanted. Why should I get more when their are people out their that have nothing?) Then, last night, I dreamt that it was my birthday and I had forgotten and so had everyone else. I just sat in my room all day. Not a single person spoke to me. It was awful. The sad thing is, that's whats going to happen. My dad won't be there. I'm not having a cake. I don't get any presents. The only people that will even speak to me that day will be my mom and my brothers. (All my friends will be out of town.) It sucks to have a birthday in the summer. Heck, it sucks to have a birthday at all.

Aren't birthday supposed to be special? I dread holidays. It is just another oppurtunity for dissapointment. That's all you ever get when you shoot for the moon, dissapointment, emptiness. I feel as though I am consumed with emptiness.

Sorry, I'm in such a bad mood, I hate staying with my dad, oh, and his realatives are here. I wish I could just cut my father from my life. I wouldn't miss him. I would miss having a father, and the things fathers are supposed to be a do, but not him. So it wouldn't really change anything. I mean, the idiot just figured out that a hate his guts and that I'm only nice to him because he'll buy me anything I want. So I'm off to spend a misurable day with the ----'s clan. Hope your summer is going better than mine! TTYS

~K

Oui With the Poodles Already

Hey! I know I haven't written in a while. I just switch my blog over to myspace from AOL.
So, schooling update. I applied, was accepted, and am attending ND. I am really concerned that it isn't going to be academically challenging enough. I finished the summer reading in two hours. I'm re-taking Algebra and I've learned most of the course material all ready.
You know something that people don't notice. Signs. Not like the ones on the road, the ones you find in people. Like the sign that someone is suicidal. No one would have ever noticed that I have often considered suicide. Or the signs that some one is getting angry. A lot of times people are to busy to notice the hints given out by the people around them. I encourage you to take note of the signs around you.
I leave you with. "Oui with the poodles already." Happy 4th of July! God Bless America!

Hollywood: The Best Way to Crush Your Dreams!

I am seriously pissed off. My dad produced a movie and as part of it we were supposed to get to go to the last couple days of shooting. So far, they've "rescheduled" twice. So now, I have to choose between visiting my best friend and taking a screen test. (They want me to "audition" to be in their movies.) Damn Hollywood. They think their so great because they have money. I have money to you know! (Or at least my parents do.) I tell you, if they reschedule one more time, I'm gonna...I'm gonna.....give them really big boo-boo's.
...And I mean that in the possible scariest way.

Substitute People

I'm so sick of being a "substitute person" as Kirstin Dunst puts it in Elizabethtown. I'm ignored, walked all over, and basically treated worse than dirt. Maybe it's my fault, but after almost 14 years, I'm really sick of it.
Do you ever wish you could set your school on fire? I want to watch this place burn with all the people in it. I sure as hell hope I get into Catalina for all this time I've spent busting my but.

I just don't get it. The whole eight grade girl thing. The giggly-ness, the makeup, the slutty (or extremly boyish) outfits. It's just not me. I've tired my whole life to fit in and I'm starting to discover just how different I am (even at York). I'm pissed off because when I was failing people treated me stupid because I acted like it, so they thought I was. (Boy that was fun the first week when I started get the highset scores on the tests. They were so shocked! LOL!) And now that I've shown how smart and serious I really am, they treat me even worse. I don't get how jealousy makes people say false things, in hope that they will become true. They (the other six girls) keep saying how ugly and stupid and I am. Let's face I'm beat all of them in wit, personality, and looks. Hell, if you put all six of them together I'd still beat 'em. Now, if it was just them saying cruel and hurtful things then screw it, but my mom keeps going on about how fat I am. And unless I start snorting cocane or stop eating, I'm not getting any thinner. I have abosolutely no support, so I just need to vent sometimes. As fun as it is to yell at people, it's not nice (unfortunately). Well, it's back to the living hell that is the eighth grade. (Damn, I have P.E. next!) I tell ya, if I survive this year, the eighth grade is going to drive me to turn goth and worship satan, or drill my brains out, which ever is more conveniant at the time. I better go or I'll be late. If I don't write soon, assume the worst. ;-)

Hi

Hey. I know I haven't written in a while. I had another world famous Katherine roller-coaster. My grades were okay, then they sucked, I felt horrible and almost committed suicide. But now I'm doing better than ever! I'm really amazed at my progress this year. York has been a great lesson for me on how not to act. I'm grateful that I was given this experience, but at this point I can't wait for it to be over so I can be rid of some of these people forever! I'm sort over the whole blog thing now that the suicidal phase has passed but I think I'll hang on to it a while long. I better get going because I'm going to do math and be intellectual. Bye.

Roses

Rosie died the other day. I just found out this morning. I did not know her too well, but she was a friend. I went to school with her last year. She had had six heart surgeries and was on her seventh when an artery failed. I feel so bad. She was an inspiration to all who new her and always had something nice to say. Her best friend must be miserable. I wish there was something I could have done. I feel guilty for not being more upset.

It is so sad to think someone my age has passed away. She never did anything wrong. What made her deserve this? She will never get to do many things that I, who am unworthy, will. I hope to learn something from the experience of her death and become a better person who enjoys and appreciates life more.

It is so odd to think someone has died. It is really hard for me to comprehend. Death, life no more. We are only on this earth for a short time so I suggest and hope that all of you will learn from this or a similar experience and be better people. I know I will.

In loving memory of Catherine R. Pantania. A true inspiraton. My she rest in peace and finally gain the wings she deserves. May the Lord take her into his company for the brave warrior she was. You will be missed.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I think love is stupid (at least when your in the eighth grade). I think I'm just jealous. Every girl in my grade is asked to dance at school dances except me. I don't get it. I'm am the prettiest, most boy-crazy girl in my grade. Why doesn't anyone like me? I certainly like them. For right now I'm okay with flirting (since I'm not even allowed to do that). I just wish I had the option of dating. I like choices. I like options. I wouldn't do anything different than what I'm allowed to now(at least most of the time, hehe). I just like the power that comes with having control over your life. That power is what I hope to gain by the time I'm 15. If only I had hypnotic powers. One final word (or words) Will and Nicole make me sick and I dislike them both. I'm better than mean words, but it feels so good to get it out.

The Golden Years

This is the oddest, yet most addictive song I've ever heard. (My Humps by the Black Eyed Peas that is).
I felt used today, but all that has left me.
I'm sorry I haven't written lately, I got a MySpace.
I realized what has been making me act so immature this year. Everyone has to go through stages, right? The experiences or stages you go through help shape who you are. I never went through those stages. I realized when I was 7 it was time to grow up. I never got to be a kid. I have always been so busy taking care of others and picking up the slack that I never had time for friends. I have always wanted friends. I'm immature because I'm experiencing everything for the first time. I'm trying to grow. I have put in almost 7 years of hard work for others while wasting the best years of my life. Isn't it time for me to get something for myself? I wish I could, but my mom seems to be making it impossible. She just keeps piling on more chores, lecturing me, and I'm trying to get strait A's. It is just to much. I have read my organization books to make my life easier and none of them can help me organize my time with all things I have to do and rules I have to follow. I wish I could just take a break. I would be happy if I could have a "free" life for just two weeks. My mom sometimes seems to be heartless. And I don't think if feel this way just because of "hormones" as my mom seems to think. She says I have become evil since I turned 12 1/2. Everyone I know agrees with me. (adults included) They all say she's too strict. I only have one childhood and I feel like its gone and I wasn't allowed to experience it. My one desire is for me to get the first 13 years of my life back so I could have some fun. Now I have back problems, knee problems, scoliosis, and rules holding me back; ahh, the golden years.