So we wrote this poem for english class, and I'm pretty proud of my five minutes of effort here so I thought I'd post it. The assignment was to write an eulogy (can't spell) poem about the loss of something/someone and I wrote about recently losing one of my life's best friends. (So ya, make note, you mess with me, I don't take revenge, I write poetry, haha). Here goes:
GO ASK ALICE
The news has just arrived today,
My friend you are no more.
It’s not that I don’t care for you,
But rather I can’t find the girl I’m looking for.
Gone is the girl with the crazy dreams,
The girl who’d laugh all day,
The girl I’d tell my secrets to,
The girl I left when we moved away.
I miss your laugh,
your smile,
your voice,
The good times that we shared.
I miss the girl I once admired;
That girl’s no longer there.
For I know that Alice once did fall
Deep down the rabbit hole;
But you had me to hold you up;
Your excuse I’ll never know.
My friend had hopes,
and dreams,
and plans.
A soul sister is what she was;
But she fell in love with the wrong boy,
And abandoned our friendship for drugs.
Deeper down the rabbit hole,
She seemed to fall each week,
‘Til she shut me out completely
And now I’ll never know
The extent of the havoc that boy reeked.
So when you’re ready sister dear,
I’ll be here for you.
Your secrets I’ll keep ‘til my end,
Because that’s what true friends do.
...Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. =)
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Pondering (A Rant on Relationships)
Like a knife to the chest, leaving me spinning, reeling, gasping for breath; but the air is gone, hope is gone. I am alone in the world without the nurture of sustenance. My source of light has been removed; the candle now belonging to another.
Why? Why does everyone on this Earth seem to find happiness but me? Why do I seem to be so inevitably left in the dust as the lives of others rapidly progress, speeding on to exciting new places. Have I committed a wrong, exhausted my karamatic resources, or simply become entangled in the web of problems in my current life to the extent that growth is impossible, liberation is impossible, without first undoing the damage that has been so wrongly done to me?
I understand that happiness is a fickle fiend. It requires one to first be worthy, to second work at it and to third be patient. But I have run out of patience, it was never a virtue of mine.
I am NOT and refuse to be one of those girls who is so desperate to have a relationship that she will do anything (or anyone for that matter) in the hopes of achieving it disregarding who it's with or it's level of stability; but I do sometimes look on with envy at the happiness of my peers.
At this point, I begin to wonder, why? What have I done that so alienates those people of interest? Don't I deserve some happiness after all the shit and misery I have dealt with in my life? Do I not deserve to love and be loved? What is wrong with me that others simply look away, or worse, look through me as if I'm not even really there?
That is the worst. When they don't even see you. They just look through. You get used to it after a while, like a ghost among the living you walk through life unseen. I almost prefer it to being known and alone.
What's sad is that I expect it. I've come to a point where I expect to be alone and unloved. Relationships seem to not be in the cards for me this time around. I seem so young to be so bitter, but I am not bitter, I have just come to accept it. Love is the source of heart-ache, and my heart can stand to ache no more. I am simply not at a level in the cosmos where I can take on any more.
The concept of invisibility seems so alluring as of now; just vanish into thin air, never to be heard of again. I long to elevate, to dissipate, to disperse into the universe, a thousand tiny particles, and move forward with life and the progression of my soul. I long to reincarnate, and start anew with those whom I care about, hoping that next time around, things just might have a chance to be.
So how do I progress from here? I shall cling to the princely figure; secreting hoping that someday, someone, will break down the walls, and save me from insanity, from destiny, from a life alone. I shall remain as always, a smile of a thousand lies and laughter to protect my heart from pain.
As for "them" the unavoidable male population? I shall hope that there is a fate, and that she shall be kind; I shall rest under her branches to protect myself from sun, my heart from pain, and hope that she may guide me, hope that the prince will come and that for a change he might do the pursuing rather than forcing me to pursue.
I don't believe any of this makes rational sense or has helped me sort out the mess of thoughts with corresponding feelings of opposition presenting running rampant through my being, but I feel better. If anyone read this, then thanks; perhaps some good shall come of it. =)
Why? Why does everyone on this Earth seem to find happiness but me? Why do I seem to be so inevitably left in the dust as the lives of others rapidly progress, speeding on to exciting new places. Have I committed a wrong, exhausted my karamatic resources, or simply become entangled in the web of problems in my current life to the extent that growth is impossible, liberation is impossible, without first undoing the damage that has been so wrongly done to me?
I understand that happiness is a fickle fiend. It requires one to first be worthy, to second work at it and to third be patient. But I have run out of patience, it was never a virtue of mine.
I am NOT and refuse to be one of those girls who is so desperate to have a relationship that she will do anything (or anyone for that matter) in the hopes of achieving it disregarding who it's with or it's level of stability; but I do sometimes look on with envy at the happiness of my peers.
At this point, I begin to wonder, why? What have I done that so alienates those people of interest? Don't I deserve some happiness after all the shit and misery I have dealt with in my life? Do I not deserve to love and be loved? What is wrong with me that others simply look away, or worse, look through me as if I'm not even really there?
That is the worst. When they don't even see you. They just look through. You get used to it after a while, like a ghost among the living you walk through life unseen. I almost prefer it to being known and alone.
What's sad is that I expect it. I've come to a point where I expect to be alone and unloved. Relationships seem to not be in the cards for me this time around. I seem so young to be so bitter, but I am not bitter, I have just come to accept it. Love is the source of heart-ache, and my heart can stand to ache no more. I am simply not at a level in the cosmos where I can take on any more.
The concept of invisibility seems so alluring as of now; just vanish into thin air, never to be heard of again. I long to elevate, to dissipate, to disperse into the universe, a thousand tiny particles, and move forward with life and the progression of my soul. I long to reincarnate, and start anew with those whom I care about, hoping that next time around, things just might have a chance to be.
So how do I progress from here? I shall cling to the princely figure; secreting hoping that someday, someone, will break down the walls, and save me from insanity, from destiny, from a life alone. I shall remain as always, a smile of a thousand lies and laughter to protect my heart from pain.
As for "them" the unavoidable male population? I shall hope that there is a fate, and that she shall be kind; I shall rest under her branches to protect myself from sun, my heart from pain, and hope that she may guide me, hope that the prince will come and that for a change he might do the pursuing rather than forcing me to pursue.
I don't believe any of this makes rational sense or has helped me sort out the mess of thoughts with corresponding feelings of opposition presenting running rampant through my being, but I feel better. If anyone read this, then thanks; perhaps some good shall come of it. =)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Decisions
Ok, so I got a bombshell today. My mom told me that I can go to whatever college I want and study whatever I want, if I even want to go to college, that is. I can't believe it. My parents, the people who told me I had to get my head out of the clouds because my dreams were never going to come true when I was 7. The people who have always told me that I have to go to college or I'll be disowned. The people who have put their pressuring claws into me, creating a chip on my shoulder and hunch in my back my whole life are actually going to let me make my own decisions?! WTF?! If you could see my expression, it is terribly confused.
Now, my parents have never exactly been advocates of the ivy league, because, apparently, I am far too lazy and stupid to even consider that option; however, they always advocated a private center for higher learning, something with a higher caliber than anything California had to offer (excluding Berkley and Standford of course). It was always rather implied that I was to go to some fancy school to study journalism and then become a news anchor. Only problem is, this is never what I wanted.
I want to be an actress. Correction, I am going to be an actress. The only question is which path do I take to get there. Finally, I have exactly what I have always wanted, control of my future; now if I could just figure out what I want. Do I follow the plan, go to NYU study journalism and then move to LA to try acting after? Or do I dive in, head first and go to UCLA or some other drama school and actually get a BA in acting? How can I, Katherine ----, 16 year old, scrawny-ass white girl, who only manage a 26 on her ACTs, and can't even manage to drive a car in a straight line, possibly be qualified to make this decision? Do I play it safe or follow my dream? Which path will prove wiser in the course of my life? And how can I ever possibly know what my life will bring?
I'm not entirely sure why I wrote this note. Some misplaced nostalgia from my days in the blogging world, perhaps? But what I do know is that I can not wait to be 18 and I desperately want control of my life. I want to be an actress, a writer, a world traveler; but how do I get there? And since when am I qualified to do things on my own? I'm starting to realize why so many people fall short of there dreams, the world is a scary place. I just hope that I can hold my ground and follow my heart; but first I just hope I can figure out what is my heart is trying to tell me....<3
Now, my parents have never exactly been advocates of the ivy league, because, apparently, I am far too lazy and stupid to even consider that option; however, they always advocated a private center for higher learning, something with a higher caliber than anything California had to offer (excluding Berkley and Standford of course). It was always rather implied that I was to go to some fancy school to study journalism and then become a news anchor. Only problem is, this is never what I wanted.
I want to be an actress. Correction, I am going to be an actress. The only question is which path do I take to get there. Finally, I have exactly what I have always wanted, control of my future; now if I could just figure out what I want. Do I follow the plan, go to NYU study journalism and then move to LA to try acting after? Or do I dive in, head first and go to UCLA or some other drama school and actually get a BA in acting? How can I, Katherine ----, 16 year old, scrawny-ass white girl, who only manage a 26 on her ACTs, and can't even manage to drive a car in a straight line, possibly be qualified to make this decision? Do I play it safe or follow my dream? Which path will prove wiser in the course of my life? And how can I ever possibly know what my life will bring?
I'm not entirely sure why I wrote this note. Some misplaced nostalgia from my days in the blogging world, perhaps? But what I do know is that I can not wait to be 18 and I desperately want control of my life. I want to be an actress, a writer, a world traveler; but how do I get there? And since when am I qualified to do things on my own? I'm starting to realize why so many people fall short of there dreams, the world is a scary place. I just hope that I can hold my ground and follow my heart; but first I just hope I can figure out what is my heart is trying to tell me....<3
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Fight of the Flame
A poem (still in progress) for English class. Anything thoughts?
The Fight of the Flame
Nature
Or nurture?
The eternal questions burns.
Is one born good?
Or Evil?
Is life based on our choices?
Or has it all been pre-determined,
At some point in the distant past,
Long before our conception?
If we are all evil,
Then can we become good?
Can we extinguish the flames of desire?
Can we choose to avoid the tree of knowledge?
Roaming forever in Eden without ever being tempted by its’ sweet fruits?
Or are we doomed to fall like our disgraced mother?
And in regards to our nature,
What is to be said for instincts?
As gateway to the world of the uninhibited,
Are they sacred?
Or sinful?
A mere guidepost for survival amongst the primitive?
Or something more?
A glimpse at true liberation perhaps?
Should we give in to instinct?
Love endlessly, run from conflict, and torment the wicked?
Or resist?
And fear that we may have missed our only chance to feel alive?
It appears that we have a choice,
To bite the apple,
To feed the fire;
A gift from our fallen mother
But how are we to know which decisions are correct?
The righteousness of actions cannot be determined by man,
Yet it is into our hands that this decision has fallen;
How are we, mere mortals, to decide?
Nature vs. nurture
Surrender to instinct?
Or cling to composure?
One can never be certain.
The internal struggle continues,
As the eternal question burns.
As for myself, I shall control the fire.
Careful to never let it extinguish,
Because fire is the makings of passion,
And passion is what gives meaning to life.
The Fight of the Flame
Nature
Or nurture?
The eternal questions burns.
Is one born good?
Or Evil?
Is life based on our choices?
Or has it all been pre-determined,
At some point in the distant past,
Long before our conception?
If we are all evil,
Then can we become good?
Can we extinguish the flames of desire?
Can we choose to avoid the tree of knowledge?
Roaming forever in Eden without ever being tempted by its’ sweet fruits?
Or are we doomed to fall like our disgraced mother?
And in regards to our nature,
What is to be said for instincts?
As gateway to the world of the uninhibited,
Are they sacred?
Or sinful?
A mere guidepost for survival amongst the primitive?
Or something more?
A glimpse at true liberation perhaps?
Should we give in to instinct?
Love endlessly, run from conflict, and torment the wicked?
Or resist?
And fear that we may have missed our only chance to feel alive?
It appears that we have a choice,
To bite the apple,
To feed the fire;
A gift from our fallen mother
But how are we to know which decisions are correct?
The righteousness of actions cannot be determined by man,
Yet it is into our hands that this decision has fallen;
How are we, mere mortals, to decide?
Nature vs. nurture
Surrender to instinct?
Or cling to composure?
One can never be certain.
The internal struggle continues,
As the eternal question burns.
As for myself, I shall control the fire.
Careful to never let it extinguish,
Because fire is the makings of passion,
And passion is what gives meaning to life.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Some thoughts on honesty...
Hello everyone! I just haven't written in a while and had a minute and thought I might. I think I haven't written lately because it seems that, with having a blog, it's always the person you hope won't read it who does, and that person you secretly wish will read it never does. I don't know, it's like it's just not safe to pour my heart out anymore.
I really like the concept of a blog because I'm the kind of person who has a need to lay all her problems, and feelings, and, just, everything out on the table and allow others to take it if they want to and leave if they don't. (Curse my blunt honesty! lol) If only more people were honest then maybe this would be an okay thing.
I mean why do certain individuals *coughNicoleSalovitchandKaylaDigoralimocoughcough* feel the need to take something truthful you have trusted them with and turn it into a bad thing? And why do so many people act without thinking as if they have no thought process? I understand that all of us have our blond moments, but does everything have to be about manipulation, hidden secret agenda's, and selfish motives? That is one great thing about me I suppose. I am a bluntly honest person who gives you the straight shit and if someone tells me something I don't feel the need to use it against them (I'm also not devious enough to manipulate people or have a hidden agenda).
Well I better go 'cuz my mom's coming but peace out and I'll be sure to blog again soon!
I really like the concept of a blog because I'm the kind of person who has a need to lay all her problems, and feelings, and, just, everything out on the table and allow others to take it if they want to and leave if they don't. (Curse my blunt honesty! lol) If only more people were honest then maybe this would be an okay thing.
I mean why do certain individuals *coughNicoleSalovitchandKaylaDigoralimocoughcough* feel the need to take something truthful you have trusted them with and turn it into a bad thing? And why do so many people act without thinking as if they have no thought process? I understand that all of us have our blond moments, but does everything have to be about manipulation, hidden secret agenda's, and selfish motives? That is one great thing about me I suppose. I am a bluntly honest person who gives you the straight shit and if someone tells me something I don't feel the need to use it against them (I'm also not devious enough to manipulate people or have a hidden agenda).
Well I better go 'cuz my mom's coming but peace out and I'll be sure to blog again soon!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
There will be other lives...(a wise insight on the cycle of life)
"There will be other lives.
There will be other lives for nervous boys with sweaty palms, for bittersweet fumblings in the backseats of cars, for caps and gowns and royal blue and crimson, for mothers clasping pretty pearl necklaces around daughters' unlined necks, for your full name read aloud in the auditorium, for brand-new suitcases transporting you to strange new people in strange new lands.
And there will be other lives for unpaid debts, for one-night stands, for Prague and for Paris, for painful shoes with point toes, for indecisions and revisions.
And there will be other lives for fathers walking daughters down aisles.
And there will be other lives for sweet babies with skin like milk.
And there will be other lives for a man you don't recognize, for a face in a mirror that is no longer yours, for the funerals of intimates, for shrinking, for teeth that fall out, for hair on your chin, for forgetting everything. Everything.
Oh, there will be so many other lives. How we wish we could live them concurrently instead of one by one. We could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. But that's not how it works. A human's life is a beautiful mess..."
-Gabrielle Zevin (Author of Elsewhere)
There will be other lives for nervous boys with sweaty palms, for bittersweet fumblings in the backseats of cars, for caps and gowns and royal blue and crimson, for mothers clasping pretty pearl necklaces around daughters' unlined necks, for your full name read aloud in the auditorium, for brand-new suitcases transporting you to strange new people in strange new lands.
And there will be other lives for unpaid debts, for one-night stands, for Prague and for Paris, for painful shoes with point toes, for indecisions and revisions.
And there will be other lives for fathers walking daughters down aisles.
And there will be other lives for sweet babies with skin like milk.
And there will be other lives for a man you don't recognize, for a face in a mirror that is no longer yours, for the funerals of intimates, for shrinking, for teeth that fall out, for hair on your chin, for forgetting everything. Everything.
Oh, there will be so many other lives. How we wish we could live them concurrently instead of one by one. We could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. But that's not how it works. A human's life is a beautiful mess..."
-Gabrielle Zevin (Author of Elsewhere)
Friday, June 8, 2007
Hey You! Yes, You!
I was just looking at some of my old blogs and (if you haven't already) you should read them. While they may be dark and at times offensive, there is some damn good writing in there (if I don't say so myself) and they are quite amusing from an objective standpoint.
PS I'm sorry ifg anyone is offended by them. I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feeling but I am an honest person (deal with it).
XOXO ~KAT
Just Give Me a Chance!
Ok, I seriously literally can not find ANY auditions, or agents or anything and it's is pissing me off! I WANT to be an actress more than anything in the whole universe and I would do almost anything for it! I have spent countless hours studying, practicing, and researching, but I can't seem to get up the nerv to go to an audition, and then when I finally do get my act together there is nothing out there for me to do and something is ALWAYS standing in my way. I really need help because I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this (and I don't mean life, my suicidal days are over). I want this sooo bad I can see it, and taste....but I can't seem to get myself there.
Somedays, I wonder if there is a reason why all this is happeneing to me. Maybe I'll never make it (I mean, what are the odds, right?). And what if the universe IS trying to tell me something? What if I'm not good enough? What if I just will never deserve it? I mean, I've have been blessed with so much goodness in my life that maybe there's just none left for a miracle (especially one as selfish as this). It's just the hardest thing ever: I know that I can do this if the heavens would just smile on me for a minute and give me a chance (I want it! I really, really do!) but there just isn't anything I can do.
I HATE when life is like that 'cuz I'm the kind of person who needs to be doing something important all the time. Well, universe, please give me a chance.
PS I'm open to suggestions from the peanut gallerey if anyone's listening.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Better
Sorry I was so depressed yesterday. I really like having a blog. It's fun and it's like free therapy. I'm going to Hawaii in four days! I can hardly stand the excitement!!! I can't really think of anything else to write. So, I guess I'll write later when I have more to say. Happy April Fools!
Ok, I'm editing this now that I thought of something. I just looked over my old blog entries, I'm amazed. I don't even remember writing half that stuff. It's good to pull your box of memories once and I while, but sometimes I wish I had someone to share them with. You know, like someone to talk to. I always wanted that when I was younger and it always got me in trouble. (I'm fine now in case you're wondering and I don't need anyone's help and I'm not looking for pity either; I'm just thinking) I also realized what writing potential I have (I can't wait 'til I get to do it for a living). Anyway that's it, so, bye now.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Something I Need to Say...
I hope no one actually read this because it's just sort of to get it out of my system but there are some things I really need to say (so if you read it then I guess it was meant for you to know this about me).
I am a dork. It's hard for me to admit it, but there it is. I mean I really love myself (not in an egotistical kinda way) but I am such a loser sometimes. I have also never had a good life until now; I use this as an excuse, and I know I shouldn't, but maybe, just maybe it is a valid excuse. Last year was miserable. I somehow hated every minute of it, though I don't remember why. I don't remember why I hated York or the people that went there. Part of that is because I hated myself. I hated myself for acting like such an idiot last year; trying to be something/someone I'm not to fit in. Why did I do it? I know I always wanted to fit in but did I really hate myself that bad? I know it wasn't all my fault. There was a lot of people at York that just gave me really nasty, mean vibes but did I have to go and let them win? Why did I cave and let them prove that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, or capable of the tasks they gave me? I want it back! I want time to go back so I can fix this giant blemish in the face of my life! I want to prove to them that I can do it, and more importantly prove to myself that I can do it. I just feel like I'm floating in this giant abyss. I can't move forward until I fix it, but I can't go back. I just, I just don't know anymore, I just want to be free of this shadow. I have to do something to free myself of this pain. So, here it is; I'm sorry; this is my apology to all those I have hurt or wasn't true to. For all those I lied to and all those to whom I pretend to be something else. More importantly I apologize to my self for doing all these things and causing this pain. Maybe, if you do read this, you'll forgive me. Forgive me and forget me; just let me drift quietly out of your plain of existence. Just promise if you've read this that you won't pity me. I've always gone for the pity angle and it isn't a pretty one. So that's it. I'm launching this in to cyber-space and wishing the best. Is there anymore any of us can do than wish for the best and let time heal all wounds? But it wasn't the best, and I'm still waiting on time. So maybe, just maybe, this will help...
I am a dork. It's hard for me to admit it, but there it is. I mean I really love myself (not in an egotistical kinda way) but I am such a loser sometimes. I have also never had a good life until now; I use this as an excuse, and I know I shouldn't, but maybe, just maybe it is a valid excuse. Last year was miserable. I somehow hated every minute of it, though I don't remember why. I don't remember why I hated York or the people that went there. Part of that is because I hated myself. I hated myself for acting like such an idiot last year; trying to be something/someone I'm not to fit in. Why did I do it? I know I always wanted to fit in but did I really hate myself that bad? I know it wasn't all my fault. There was a lot of people at York that just gave me really nasty, mean vibes but did I have to go and let them win? Why did I cave and let them prove that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, or capable of the tasks they gave me? I want it back! I want time to go back so I can fix this giant blemish in the face of my life! I want to prove to them that I can do it, and more importantly prove to myself that I can do it. I just feel like I'm floating in this giant abyss. I can't move forward until I fix it, but I can't go back. I just, I just don't know anymore, I just want to be free of this shadow. I have to do something to free myself of this pain. So, here it is; I'm sorry; this is my apology to all those I have hurt or wasn't true to. For all those I lied to and all those to whom I pretend to be something else. More importantly I apologize to my self for doing all these things and causing this pain. Maybe, if you do read this, you'll forgive me. Forgive me and forget me; just let me drift quietly out of your plain of existence. Just promise if you've read this that you won't pity me. I've always gone for the pity angle and it isn't a pretty one. So that's it. I'm launching this in to cyber-space and wishing the best. Is there anymore any of us can do than wish for the best and let time heal all wounds? But it wasn't the best, and I'm still waiting on time. So maybe, just maybe, this will help...
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