The Voice Inside My Head

Late at night is when the feeling creeps in.

The missing you.

Summer mornings spent napping in the sunshine.

Afternoons on swingsets.

Nights in your arms.

I like being single, but it's lonely sometimes.

Especially knowing you're not lonely.

That when I gave you up, it didn't phase your happiness for long.

I hear it's normal.

The missing you.

They tell me it will go away in time.

Some days I hate you I swear.

I hate that you're happy.

I'm envious that she gets you.

I feel a little replaced.

You found a new me so quickly, I wonder how much I could possibly have meant.

I wonder if I made the right choice.

Ending it when I did.

What if I hadn't just then?

Would we still be together?

Would I be looking forward to another summer in your arms?

Cause the eminence of awkward encounters is an unpleasant thought.

I hadn't really thought it through.

My world back home without you I mean.

I wonder if it will ever be the same.

Falling in love.

I kind of question if I'll find someone.

I want something more then a few hours of fun.

I miss when sex had meaning.

I'm scared.

Scared of feeling anything again.

Letting someone in.

Giving them everything only for it to end, for me to be replaced again.

What's the point?

But for that time together.

That fleeting instant of happiness.

It's worth it.

I want to find meaning again.

Maybe not love, but something.

It will never replace the summer I spent with you.

But maybe I could be happy again.

Maybe there's something more for me than late nights spent missing you.

Trouble is, there's no such thing as perfection...

The fact of the matter is, when I arrived at Northeastern I invented a new person.

It wasn't so much that there was a problem with the old one,

or even so much that I meant to,

it just happened.

I am a different person now than I was before.

She has a fabulous life.

She is fun and exciting.

She lives out my inner adventurous desires.

The only problem is, she doesn't know how to do things like

study

go to class

do well in school.

I was that person once.

In my distant past I tried.

I applied myself.

I prided myself on my grades,

my ciriculum,

my GPA.

At being "perfect."

But when I was that person, I hated myself.

My life WAS my work.

There was no fun,

no enjoyment.

The peak of my suicidal days.

I'm scared to be her again.

Scared that dark state of mind will creep back into my conscious.

But I need her work ethic,

her passion,

her potential.

I don't want to lose who I am now, but I need to be more.

So the trick is, how do I maintain both?

How do you manage to be only part of a person?

Gone are the Days

I'm not looking for a relationship.

Nothing official, or demanding.

Nothing with strings.

It doesn't have to be formal.

No one has to buy anyone dinner.

What I want is so much simpler than that.

I want a boy. Preferably handsome.

I want someone to kidnap at five in the morning to watch the sunrise.

It's a friendship, but it's more.

It's not about "benefits", it's about adventure.

Nights spent stealing bottles of liquor,

wandering home under starry skies

listening to some soft rock song you both like.

It's the kind of thing you find in the "young adult" section at Borders.

Something innocent.

The kind of thing you find at 15.

Something more fullfilling than sex, or drugs, or anything else ever could be.

Restorative.

Inspiring.

I want a romance.

The Ouch Factor

I'm suppose to break up with you, and then you're suppose to spend the rest of your life pinning for me.

Or at least more than two months.

I gave you 7 months of my life and my virginity.

We weren't even officialy broken up yet.

You couldn't even have the decency to call me and say "hey by the way I got a new girlfriend...you know, so you don't have to find out from the internet or some shit like that."

I guess it just makes me realize how glad I am to be past stupid little boys.

Cause hey, guess what, I'm seeing someone too.

But I was at least going to have the decency to talk to you about it before I officialized anything.

That's what you're suppose to do in these circumstances.

Dumbass.

Mostly I think I'm just hurt.

You let me find out on facebook, just like any other person.

I guess I didn't really mean that much to you.

Which is sad, because you once meant everything to me. <\3

Mine

Pleasure pocesses no gender

Using and abusing are not acts of sexism

So why I am any less entitled?

Because I am woman you can call "slut"?

Funny thing is life of late

the difference between allowing your actions to define you, and using self definition to guide your actions

walking the fine line between the two

Call me a dualist if you will,

cracked as Decartes,

but to me the heart and the head exist not within the body, but with the soul

You can have my body, my physical presence

I'll taunt you with the illusion

Tease you with hope

For tonight you can be my pet, my toy,

...my friend,

...my lover

But my mind and my heart you do not have

You will never have

I do not give them

They are mine

Bright Eyes

Can someone please tell me what the normal amount your suppose to miss someone after a break up is? Because I've missed Nathan every single day that it's been over. I cry in the shower. My tears rock me to sleep. What if Nathan was it? He was the first to give me a chance. What if he's the last? The thought hurts my heavy heart. And lately, all I can think is how much I want him back.

Who was I to question our relationship? Why couldn't I shut up and be happy? How I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. How blessed I was to find someone who loved me so much. Someone who thought that I was beautiful and sweet and funny. Someone who saw the best parts of me, and the worst, and loved me all the same. Someone who made a broken girl feel whole for the first time in her life.

How blessed I was to find a boy so kind, and generous, and good. A gentleman. That guy that girls write cheesy myspace page decals about. A boy who inspired me to be a better person. The boy who did everything right.

I wonder if my mind has glorified our relationship in the retrospect. Because I do know there were struggles, hardships, unhappinesses. There was a reason that it ended. But in my brief time at college, I've made some mistakes. Mistakes that taught me that not everyone will appreciate me like Nathan did, or rather, lessons that rekindled a fear that perhaps no one else ever will.

The thing about Nathan, about our relationship, is that he will always be the guy I love(d) because he was "the good guy". He is the friendship that grew love. And it's funny, because growing up, I told myself that was always what I wanted - to find a best friend I could fall in love with, to spend my life with him. But at 18, my soul felt caged by the standard. I longed for something wild and free. I want to live a young life empassioned. But I've always been this vulnerable little girl when it came to romance. Looking for love is a dangerous quest. A road of a million rejections.

I want to be with Nathan, though I know I can't be now. But what if he isn't there when I go looking for him later?

First love is the first taste of water - from here on out there will always be thirst.

party of one

I've been meaning to write a piece on "college". Something motivational, inspirational, a little something to get me excited, to concretely define my path - but then I got here.

It was strange, I walked into my dorm room for the first time and thought, "hmm, this is my dorm room." I realized in that moment, that I'd come into this with absolutely no preconcieved notions. I hadn't pictured my room, or my friends. I hadn't really thought about what campus would look like, or what my classes would be. I hadn't considered who I'd be, or even mused on who I wanted to be given the infinite possibilities for redefinition. I thought "I'm moving to Boston and I'm going to go to school there." In retrospect, this is perfect. There will be no silly nonsense of upset at things being "different then pictured" - there is no picture. I really and truly am working from scratch.

I'll never forget the feeling I had coming out of the my first meeting with Susan (my lovely academic counselor). It was this overwhelming feeling of excitement, motivation, and mostly this isn't Notre Dame anymore. I can't say definitively that I've got it cracked after only four short days of living my environment, but never in my life have I ever felt so motivated. I can't ever remember me personally making the decision to not hang out with people because I wanted my reading done early, or passing up an ice cream run to finish my extra credit, or sacrificing sleep to go exercise.

My initial goal coming into college (the only part I actually did think about) was that for the first time in my life I was going to totally and completely give myself over to it. I was going to throw myself in for the sake of success. This I have thus done successfully.

With the arrival of course selection, I made an adendum. Not only would I throw myself into things, but I was going to throw myself into things I never thought I'd try. Things like Japanese, and underwater basket weaving, and documentary film making. I thought of the lovely Miss Christina Spann, a girl who has not ceased to impress me more and more every time I see her in the last few months. A girl who has always overwhlemingly seemed to go confidently into life, with full assurance of herself, and live contented with past and present actions a result. A girl who is quirky and does things like get octopus tattoos because she thinks it's cool. I thought of that girl and I realized it was some of those traits that through things like Japanese, and cartilage piercings, and experimenting with color scale photography, I wanted to emulate.

I am completely free of all attatchment right now, and I'm realizing more and more how incredibly important that fact is. I am free and ready to pour myself into my life and into me. And as selfish as that may sound, I'm doing it, regardless of what anyone else thinks because it's what I want to do with my life.

The part of all this "map of college" I couldn't've told you until the events of this evening is a part I'd never considered - defining my morals. Not strictly just my morals, but it's the closest word I can come up with for explaination. It's like, I grew up with this image of what my mom wanted me to be, and what she valued as appropriate and innapropriate and I live my life with that as the inner compass standard. From there, after years of not recieving her approval, I fell into the arms of Nathan. Finally someone approved. And that's what I didn't realize until this evening; in the course of that relationship, I began to shift from my mom's standards, yes, but rather than define my own, I found myself beginning to live by his. And you know what? I spend way to much goddamn time worry about what other people think of me.

So right now, I'm here, and I'm not living for my mother, or for Nathan, or for anyone else. I'm taking a step away from the life that was and into the mystery of what is to be. I'm going to take a little step away from what is "planned" and "proper. Try new things, test the waters. And yeah, not everyone will approve of some of my decisions. I'm going to try new things, live my life, and make some mistakes. But I'm going to go at life, full on. Be it academically, or in defining my existence. I've been presented with a glorious and crucially human opportunity to find myself. And I could not be more excited to do just that.

Better in the morning

Late at night, the world can be a strange and scary place.

It can overwhelm,

make things seem far worse then they are,

drive you to hysterics.

Late at night, those things you know to be rationally true are suddenly irrational.

The ones you admitt to yourself,

the ones you don't,

sometimes, late at night, you feel all of it at once.

Funny how true it is what they say.

That everything looks brighter with the dawn of a new day,

what wonders can unfold within the new awakening brought by a good nights rest.

Amazing how you wake up wondering what you were ever even worried about at all;

How you can fall into someone's arms and feel so right that, at that moment,

doubt seems impossible.

The way you wake up smiling, even after a hard night, and dance around your room in your pajamas.

In that moment, as with the dawn of a new day, the problems of darkness that once weighed so heavily now float away with the clarifying light of rational.

And you realize,

your fears were unfounded

and your only reality is happiness.

Say It Ain't So

I have never been the kind of girl who needed a boyfriend. Granted, there have been times in my life where I felt lonely, or wanted to know what this or that experience is like, or wanted to have someone to love or be loved by, but being "single" has never been something that bothered me. I'm just not that girl.

Now countrary to that, being single is never something I particularly wanted. I was single. That was the fact, the way it was, simple as that. Then I was in a relationship, and that became the way it was, simple yet again.

Lately I feel like I want to pull away. Maybe it's the moving backing home. I find myself slowly surrendering to my mother's will. Trying someway to fix things, I start conforming to her ideal of me hoping it will gaining me the affection and approval I so desire. Nathan is not part of her ideal of me.

Or maybe it's the depression. Pills and therapy and bullshit, so so much bullshit; I feel like I don't have time for anyone but me right now. And even if I do I feel like I don't want to spend time on anyone but me right now. I do this thing where I just give and give and give of myself until I snap - I can't take it anymore, so I cut everyone off completely and pour everything I've got into myself for a little while until I'm feeling good and then I just start right back, giving it all away again. It's like I don't know how to take care of myself. Or at least I don't know how to care for myself ahead of others. I certainly don't know how to tell anyone "no."

Or maybe it's this going away to college. After everything I've been through these last few months I just want to cut ties with everyone and everything here. Move away. Start fresh. Be in a new place with new people. Focus on myself. No attatchments from the past. Just looking out for me, starting my new life.

Or maybe I just pictured myself going off to college, being single, having boys finally give me the time of day, like I feel they just might now. Now that I've a sense of that whole scene. Now that I've got a sense of myself.

Or maybe it's just a bad couple of days. I haven't heard from Nathan hardly at all. I'm barely going to see him for our two weeks together and then it's four months apart. Maybe I'm just feeling the additional distance and it's weighing me down.

I wonder sometimes, if everyone thinks about things as much as I do. Every decision, be it what college to go to, or how to respond to a comment, or what to drink with breakfast in the morning, I think about it over and over, scrutinizing, struggling to think from every angle, trying to ascertain what my biases might be, so that I might make the best, most true and unbiased possible decision. I fear mistakes more than anything. I can't stand the thought of failure. It inhibits me from action altogether sometimes.

I think mostly it's just knowing that Nathan and I aren't forever. And him and I have discussed this, when it ends, it's going to be me. Now it's just a matter of when. How do I know when? Is it now? Four months from now? Next year? How do I know what the experation date is here? Will I just wake up one morning and just know? Because I certainly can't imagine him messing up so bad that a break-up is only logical. I also know it won't just happen gradually (well, unless that's what's already occured here). And I would never forgive myself if the time was right, and on some level I knew, but I tried to ignore it until I made some drunken mistake and messed up so bad I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I don't want this to be over. I don't want to loose someone I love so much. Someone who has become such a good friend, and, through fault of my own, my only true friend. And I know right now I need him. The way I want to run away, it's really when I need him more then ever. But I just can't shake that feeling to run.

Rori Gilmore felt guilty about feeling distant when she was the one who'd been broken up with; so how the hell do I get through this from the other side? How do I know when it's over? And how do I make sure I'm not about to make a huge mistake?

Tired

I hate the word "lover". I don't know why. It just bothers me.

This relates to nothing I had to say here, but then I wonder, did I have anything to say at all?

I feel like I don't know how to do this blog thing anymore. Gone are the days that it just came to me. In many ways I feel with them has gone days when I was in connect with myself. Lately it's all just a jumble. Living life day to day. Getting by. Uncertain of the future. It's really not the worst. Mediocrity is not what I thought it was. I don't think I'd mind a life of minimum wage and fast food meals and back yard barbeques and bridge club. Ambition was once my identity, and now I'm not even sure it's something I want as a part of me anymore. So much for my already dwindling sense of motiviation.

I moved home today. It's what I'd wanted for a few weeks, but now I don't know. What was I fighting for in the first place? And now, here, have I undone all that good? Did I make a point at all? Or is it simply a time we'll look back on one day. "The lost months."

College starts soon. I guess I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm scared I can't do it. I'm worried about how much I'm going to miss here, and Nathan. We both know we CAN do it, but what if I get there and I don't want to. What if things change? I've lived through change. I thought I was good at it. Doesn't mean it's ever something I've loved.

I wrote because all day I felt like writing. All week I've felt like writing. Hell, I've been dreaming of writing for a while now. Again, well, like I use to. But these last few months I just feel so worn. By the world, by my family, by the depression I've been battling. On the bad days, days like today, I wonder if I'll ever feel anything other than apathy ever again. I mean, logically I know it's a passing phase; but that doesn't make it any easier to get out of bed.

This blog is one of the few things I'm proud of. I feel I owe it to myself, and to the reader, to make every post a full effort, passionate and precise. Worthy of your time, worthy of my pride. I miss the days when writing came easy for me. When it was as I intended it to be, a cathartic method to explore not only the outer world, but the inner depths of my soul. But now I'm a little lost. Out here on my own I'm just trying to find myself again. Writing was once where I did that. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and be me.