June 1st

Dear ______,

As you know, today is the one year of the day we got together, and I thought I'd be a wreck, but you know what? I'm actually doing very well.

Naturally today, I've been thinking a lot about that day. Remember when you asked me to go out with you and I asked you what that meant cause I'd never gone out with anyone before and you defined it as my not being able to do "this" (and you kissed me) with anyone else? It sounded like the greatest idea I'd ever heard. Why, someone actually wanted to kiss me and just me? It was definitely one of the happiest days of my life and I know I will remember it as such as long as I live. And I thank you for that. :)

I realized though, that I did you wrong on New Years. I made you that promise to kiss you and only you and then I just shattered it (maybe after that month of us debating all the time whether to break up that was the universe somehow telling us things were over even before we knew it ourselves). I'm sorry for other things too. I'm sorry for the way things are between us now. I'm sorry for coming across as bipolar in the few times we've talked. I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you meant any less to me then you did. I'm sorry for not being able to ever really put into words how much you meant to me in the time that we were actually together.

I'm really excited, you know? To see you that is. I'm excited to talk to you. To have that conversation we've been putting off. To hopefully clear the air. To maybe even be friends again someday.

Cause you see I wasn't ready for that before. Not just the talking, but a lot of things. I had growing up to do. I think you forget how much you were ahead of me in life experience years when we met. I've spent the last six months in a tumultuous hurry to catch up. And I think I'm there now. I'm sure I've still got a lot to learn, but I think I can deal with it all now. My heart healed. I didn't think it would, but it did. I caught up to you. And I think I'm ready to face you, and to have you in my life again.

I do want to make one thing perfectly clear though. I will always love you cuddlebuddy. I will always think of us in that happy-sad kinda way. I will always have a tiny wonder of "what if". My heart will always be a little empty because a piece of it is yours. But more and more I find that love to have changed into that like one might feel for prized childhood possessions. That first fluffy stuffed animal you got. You look at it now, edges frayed, nose falling off, loved to full capacity. It's no longer what it was to you in daily life, but you still can't help but smile a little every time you see it. It's that feeling of being young, of safety, of familiarity, of comfort, of home.

And I'm writing this not only to you, a) because I've written you a thousand times already and b) because I never actually intend to show this to you. I'm more writing this hoping that somewhere out there, you're thinking of me today too. That to you, I am not forgotten. Through this I send peace and kindness in your direction by way of the universe. I hope it gets to you.

More than all of this, I'm writing this for every girl who will ever have a broken heart - I promise you, no matter how much it hurts, or how impossible it seems, the love was worth it. One day you will heal.

Dreams of You Again...

I had a dream about you a few nights ago. Vivid as reality. We were in Nate's back room. It was night. It was silent. I don't know how we'd gotten there, or how long we stayed.

You walked over to shut the door. A solemn, serious expression on your face. You walked back and sat down on the bed next to where I was laying without so much as glancing at me.

We had sex. We had sex and it was passionate and sorrowful and amazing. There were no words. There was no kissing. No passionate staring into each others eyes. But somehow it was the closest to "making love" I've ever experienced.

Something to know that our love was fierce and passionate, and that even if it's over, it was real.

We must've fallen asleep, or I did at least. I was vaguely aware of you getting up, getting dressed, and walking out the door - shutting it behind you. Both of us still with our somber expressions.

And I knew somehow that that was it, that I would never see you again.

And it was beautiful. And it was perfect.

Something, anything to prove that we existed. Something to make me feel like I actually meant something to you, to prove that I still do.

And I woke up wishing it had been real.

dreams

i spend way to much time dreaming of my past

of days with you

of how i want them back

unshakable shadows

so let's dream for a moment

something beyond you

i forget such a world exists

what would i want if i wasn't so wrapped in darkness?

to be loved, that's for sure

but more

i want something wild passionate and free

i want to feel alive

i want to care about something, anything, other than you

i want romance

and adventure

with you i lived the only life i've ever known

i want a life, any life

any life but my own

grateful

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could call you up, that we could gab for hours.

That we could laugh and talk about life.

That I could cry and telling you all the dark scary things I wish you knew.

I miss that dynamic. It was beautiful and I will always remember it fondly.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

But as the healing progresses, mostly I just want to thank you.

Thank you for the way you always asked. The way you were cautious with my heart.

Thank you for talking. Thank you for listening. For the way you were always patient.

Thank you for making my life better. For knowing how to make me happy whether it was a Tuesday afternoon, or the moment I needed it most.

Thank you for teaching me about love, life, sex, relationships.

Thank you for teaching me about myself.

Thank you for always making me feel safe and loved.

Thank you for being the person I could call at two in the morning.

Thank you for gas money, football tickets, and giant teddy bears.

Thank you for memories I will always cherish.

Thank you for moving on, for forcing me to do the same.

Thank you for loving me, and letting me love you in return. For breaking my heart. For opening my eyes. For making me stronger.

Boxes

It's scary. The way it feels like none of it ever existed.

Past, present, future, possibility.

The way we compartmentalize our lives.

Taylor's been gone just a couple of days. Others longer. I moved into a new room today. I have to remind myself first semester happened...didn't it?

I had a flash a minute later, questioning Nathan. That seems weird considering how much he's still on my mind. But I did. Did that really happen? Somehow I don't believe it. That summer must be a dream, the way it's hazy in my memory.

Sort of like my reality with Jesse. It's like he, that world, that dynamic, they don't exist. I don't believe it when I'm not in it.

I see pictures of myself at Cherubs. I can feel Lake Michigan on my bare feet. I remember the summer air, the fireflies. I feel it, but I don't.

Out of sight, out of mind I suppose.

The Truth About "Forever"

"Look, at somepoint you're just going to have to accept it, and force yourself to move on."

But I don't want to.

Strong.

Feministic.

Independent.

Guarded.

I am not this girl.

This girl who lets boys break her.

How did you break her?

She never believed in "forever".

How did you trick her into the concept?

Maybe because I wanted it so bad.

To be loved.

To be wanted.

I remember birthdays.

Wishing that I could be good enough.

Because if I was good enough, maybe I wouldn't get hit,

maybe mommy and daddy would stop fighting

maybe they wouldn't look at me with such hatred in their eyes.

Regret for poor choices, time wasted, and lost dreams.

I wish and I waited and I repressed.

I burried feelings deep. I grew strong.

And 17 years later before I knew what was happening you wanted me.

You made me feel safe.

You made me feel loved.

You were the first person who treated me right.

The first preson who didn't judge me.

Or neglect me.

The first person I could really trust to love me no matter what.

The only person in my life I have ever been able to count on.

Somehow in that mess I think I got fooled.

I thought that finally having someone love me meant they'd love me forever.

I thought finally, finally, I was safe from the storm.

But the thing about forever, is that there's no such thing.

My head knew you were leaving, that there would be others for you

but my heart didn't feel it.

I don't know if it's you, or just the idea of you,

but I can't let go just yet.

I don't want to let go just yet.

Letting go means realizing that you're gone.

It means facing the fact that you're with her now.

That you're happy without me.

You have someone else to bring you that happiness now

Someone to laugh with

Cuddle with

Sleep with

While I sit here writing sad poetry about you.

Out of Somedays

I had a conversation with you in my head just now.

It started with the tears. My lonely nights often do. I was thinking earlier about your grandparents house. How you always told me it was beautiful. How you wanted to take me there. You talked about us escaping. Just driving down for the weekend. I pictured it in my head a million times. Safely tucked away in my box of "somedays". But we'll never take that trip now. I'll never see that house. The excitement in your voice still resinating in my head. I feel like I let down a dream.

In my head it was summer. We were drunk in Nate's back room. Somehow left alone together. I knew the words were coming. I knew they shouldn't, but I wanted them. I asked you to go, I feigned fighting them off, but I prayed you'd stay, that they'd escape.

I told you about how I'd spent the last six months missing you.

About how I tried to drink you away.

About how the first guy I slept with after you I don't remember, because I was too drunk to know what was going on.

They tell me technically it was rape, but I can't put that word on it. I can't. It's just too hard.

I woke up the next morning, realized what had happened, and walked home, numb.

I cried in a dark shower realizing that even if I wanted you back, I'd ruined it.

I was tainted,

disgusting.

No amount of hot water could wash it away.

You'd never want me.

If you knew what I'd done you'd probably never even want to look at me again.

I couldn't bare the thought of having let you down.

I told you about how I missed holding your hand, and your cuddles. Missed the way being in your arms made me feel safe.

How much I wished to cry into those arms, you soothingly whisepring into my ears how much you loved me, kissing my nose, telling me I was good enough, I was safe

- like that night before you left for college, the time before our lives changed.

How it contrasts with crying to myself in a world of solitary uncertainty.

I talked, and you listened. And we went on like that.

It was quiet for a while. There was no comforting, no consoling; just a comfortable silence; a peace. You knew. That's all I want - for you to know. For me to remain to you a person, rather than some distant memory. Or even just for me to remain in your memory at all - a girl that you loved. For you to understand why I've done what I have, rather than what gossip you've heard on the street. For you to not look at me in the way I pictured that morning I cried to myself in the shower. For you to not think of me as another crazy, slutty ex-girlfriend. I just want to tell you. I just want you to know.

The worst part is that while I cry myself to sleep with conversation that will never happen, there is no rest. My eyelids hold only unshakable images of you resting peacfully in her arms. No amount of scalding water will ever wash away my guilt.

I never meant to let you down.

Another sleepless night spent writing words you'll never read.

Searching

I've missed Nathan a lot since we broke up. It hasn't been a secret. He was my friend. My BEST friend. The only person I've ever had in my life that I knew would still love me and be there no matter what. So suddenly, when that moment came that I realized he wasn't always going to be there, that we were broken up and he was moved on and he didn't have to care about me anymore, my world crumbled. Somehow I kidded myself into believing that even when time passed and life changed, he'd be there for me. I thought that maybe, just maybe I finally had someone I could call when shit got real. Someone I would always be able to call. But that's not the case. Time passes, people change. People move in and out of your life. Finding one that sticks for a life time is hard. From my experience, it's not the case. You will never have a best friend who is always your best friend all of the time. Even when you make it through the test of time, you're going to drift apart. And that's okay. That's how it's suppose to be. It's what makes the time that you are close that much more precious.

I realized today that with Nathan, I can't be the person I am and the person he wants me to be at the same time. It's nothing pessimistic, or personal. But what we had is over. (Four months later I've FINALLY hit acceptance...nice work self. :P) Honesty is what made our friendship strong, and I don't think I can ever truly be honest with him again. The time has come. This person is walking out of my life. As much as I know Nathan and I both wanted to take our friendship with us when our relationship was over, sometimes no matter how bad you want something, it doesn't work out. I wish I'd realized how precious what I had was when I had it, but sometimes we can only connect the dots looking backwards. The best we can do is move forward, carrying our lessons with us as the reminders on our hearts.

I needed this time. This time to be a little wild, go a little crazy, live outside of what other people wanted for me. I'm still searching, but I'm finding myself slowly. I actually had a night where I just didn't feel like drinking this weekend. I'm finding myself actually wanting to get my work done rather than being told I need to. It's a proccess, a journey, a path I needed to walk myself. And I still can't see the light at the end but I know I'm getting closer.

I needed Nathan too though. I actually wrote a good portion of a novel last year about my experience with him. Even then, I knew it was going to be important to me always. He gave me a taste of something real. That thing people search for. Being so utterly and completely comfortable with someone. Someone you can laugh with, cry with, and just sit in silence with. Finding another person that makes every moment of your day better because you have them in your life. The concept of soulmates I never believed in, not even as a little girl, young and optimistic. Rugged individualism was the path of life I always intended to follow. But Nathan left me wanting to find that other person I never even knew I was searching for. I've felt sparks of it since. I know it's out there. I'll find it again someday. In the meantime, I'm going to find me.

The Voice Inside My Head

Late at night is when the feeling creeps in.

The missing you.

Summer mornings spent napping in the sunshine.

Afternoons on swingsets.

Nights in your arms.

I like being single, but it's lonely sometimes.

Especially knowing you're not lonely.

That when I gave you up, it didn't phase your happiness for long.

I hear it's normal.

The missing you.

They tell me it will go away in time.

Some days I hate you I swear.

I hate that you're happy.

I'm envious that she gets you.

I feel a little replaced.

You found a new me so quickly, I wonder how much I could possibly have meant.

I wonder if I made the right choice.

Ending it when I did.

What if I hadn't just then?

Would we still be together?

Would I be looking forward to another summer in your arms?

Cause the eminence of awkward encounters is an unpleasant thought.

I hadn't really thought it through.

My world back home without you I mean.

I wonder if it will ever be the same.

Falling in love.

I kind of question if I'll find someone.

I want something more then a few hours of fun.

I miss when sex had meaning.

I'm scared.

Scared of feeling anything again.

Letting someone in.

Giving them everything only for it to end, for me to be replaced again.

What's the point?

But for that time together.

That fleeting instant of happiness.

It's worth it.

I want to find meaning again.

Maybe not love, but something.

It will never replace the summer I spent with you.

But maybe I could be happy again.

Maybe there's something more for me than late nights spent missing you.

Trouble is, there's no such thing as perfection...

The fact of the matter is, when I arrived at Northeastern I invented a new person.

It wasn't so much that there was a problem with the old one,

or even so much that I meant to,

it just happened.

I am a different person now than I was before.

She has a fabulous life.

She is fun and exciting.

She lives out my inner adventurous desires.

The only problem is, she doesn't know how to do things like

study

go to class

do well in school.

I was that person once.

In my distant past I tried.

I applied myself.

I prided myself on my grades,

my ciriculum,

my GPA.

At being "perfect."

But when I was that person, I hated myself.

My life WAS my work.

There was no fun,

no enjoyment.

The peak of my suicidal days.

I'm scared to be her again.

Scared that dark state of mind will creep back into my conscious.

But I need her work ethic,

her passion,

her potential.

I don't want to lose who I am now, but I need to be more.

So the trick is, how do I maintain both?

How do you manage to be only part of a person?