There will be other lives...(a wise insight on the cycle of life)

"There will be other lives.
There will be other lives for nervous boys with sweaty palms, for bittersweet fumblings in the backseats of cars, for caps and gowns and royal blue and crimson, for mothers clasping pretty pearl necklaces around daughters' unlined necks, for your full name read aloud in the auditorium, for brand-new suitcases transporting you to strange new people in strange new lands.
And there will be other lives for unpaid debts, for one-night stands, for Prague and for Paris, for painful shoes with point toes, for indecisions and revisions.
And there will be other lives for fathers walking daughters down aisles.
And there will be other lives for sweet babies with skin like milk.
And there will be other lives for a man you don't recognize, for a face in a mirror that is no longer yours, for the funerals of intimates, for shrinking, for teeth that fall out, for hair on your chin, for forgetting everything. Everything.
Oh, there will be so many other lives. How we wish we could live them concurrently instead of one by one. We could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. But that's not how it works. A human's life is a beautiful mess..."
-Gabrielle Zevin (Author of Elsewhere)

Hey You! Yes, You!

I was just looking at some of my old blogs and (if you haven't already) you should read them. While they may be dark and at times offensive, there is some damn good writing in there (if I don't say so myself) and they are quite amusing from an objective standpoint.

PS I'm sorry ifg anyone is offended by them. I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feeling but I am an honest person (deal with it).

XOXO ~KAT

Just Give Me a Chance!

Ok, I seriously literally can not find ANY auditions, or agents or anything and it's is pissing me off! I WANT to be an actress more than anything in the whole universe and I would do almost anything for it! I have spent countless hours studying, practicing, and researching, but I can't seem to get up the nerv to go to an audition, and then when I finally do get my act together there is nothing out there for me to do and something is ALWAYS standing in my way. I really need help because I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this (and I don't mean life, my suicidal days are over). I want this sooo bad I can see it, and taste....but I can't seem to get myself there.

Somedays, I wonder if there is a reason why all this is happeneing to me. Maybe I'll never make it (I mean, what are the odds, right?). And what if the universe IS trying to tell me something? What if I'm not good enough? What if I just will never deserve it? I mean, I've have been blessed with so much goodness in my life that maybe there's just none left for a miracle (especially one as selfish as this). It's just the hardest thing ever: I know that I can do this if the heavens would just smile on me for a minute and give me a chance (I want it! I really, really do!) but there just isn't anything I can do.

I HATE when life is like that 'cuz I'm the kind of person who needs to be doing something important all the time. Well, universe, please give me a chance.

PS I'm open to suggestions from the peanut gallerey if anyone's listening.

Better

Sorry I was so depressed yesterday. I really like having a blog. It's fun and it's like free therapy. I'm going to Hawaii in four days! I can hardly stand the excitement!!! I can't really think of anything else to write. So, I guess I'll write later when I have more to say. Happy April Fools!

+

Ok, I'm editing this now that I thought of something. I just looked over my old blog entries, I'm amazed. I don't even remember writing half that stuff. It's good to pull your box of memories once and I while, but sometimes I wish I had someone to share them with. You know, like someone to talk to. I always wanted that when I was younger and it always got me in trouble. (I'm fine now in case you're wondering and I don't need anyone's help and I'm not looking for pity either; I'm just thinking) I also realized what writing potential I have (I can't wait 'til I get to do it for a living). Anyway that's it, so, bye now.

Something I Need to Say...

I hope no one actually read this because it's just sort of to get it out of my system but there are some things I really need to say (so if you read it then I guess it was meant for you to know this about me).
I am a dork. It's hard for me to admit it, but there it is. I mean I really love myself (not in an egotistical kinda way) but I am such a loser sometimes. I have also never had a good life until now; I use this as an excuse, and I know I shouldn't, but maybe, just maybe it is a valid excuse. Last year was miserable. I somehow hated every minute of it, though I don't remember why. I don't remember why I hated York or the people that went there. Part of that is because I hated myself. I hated myself for acting like such an idiot last year; trying to be something/someone I'm not to fit in. Why did I do it? I know I always wanted to fit in but did I really hate myself that bad? I know it wasn't all my fault. There was a lot of people at York that just gave me really nasty, mean vibes but did I have to go and let them win? Why did I cave and let them prove that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, or capable of the tasks they gave me? I want it back! I want time to go back so I can fix this giant blemish in the face of my life! I want to prove to them that I can do it, and more importantly prove to myself that I can do it. I just feel like I'm floating in this giant abyss. I can't move forward until I fix it, but I can't go back. I just, I just don't know anymore, I just want to be free of this shadow. I have to do something to free myself of this pain. So, here it is; I'm sorry; this is my apology to all those I have hurt or wasn't true to. For all those I lied to and all those to whom I pretend to be something else. More importantly I apologize to my self for doing all these things and causing this pain. Maybe, if you do read this, you'll forgive me. Forgive me and forget me; just let me drift quietly out of your plain of existence. Just promise if you've read this that you won't pity me. I've always gone for the pity angle and it isn't a pretty one. So that's it. I'm launching this in to cyber-space and wishing the best. Is there anymore any of us can do than wish for the best and let time heal all wounds? But it wasn't the best, and I'm still waiting on time. So maybe, just maybe, this will help...

Expectations

I HATE MATH! I have a test tomorrow and I failed the "take-home" test. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't ask my mom for help and I can't not ask her. It is a no win situation. I am supposed to get strait A's. I want to understand but I have tried and I don't get it. By getting C's in math I am starting to fail my other classes. I'm am just so pissed off. Can't I just skip math I'm not going to need it. If I do I'll just hire someone to do it for me. My dad failed school and eventually dropped out and he's a millionaire, where as my mom got strait A's and skipped two grades and made practically nothing when she was working. What is the point of life? You're born, you live, you die. Why? I wish I was perfect. I will never be good enough for my mom. I will never live up to her expectations. That is all I've ever wanted.

Nightmare Before Birthday

OMG! I had like the worst dream last night. I'm staying with my dad and his apartement is really creepy because you can here trains and the machines from the factory all night long. (My dad's apartment is inside one of his buildings (he manufactures industrial fabrics)) So anyway, I told my parents that I didn't want anything for my birthday because I have enough already. ( I do. I have always had everything I've ever wanted. Why should I get more when their are people out their that have nothing?) Then, last night, I dreamt that it was my birthday and I had forgotten and so had everyone else. I just sat in my room all day. Not a single person spoke to me. It was awful. The sad thing is, that's whats going to happen. My dad won't be there. I'm not having a cake. I don't get any presents. The only people that will even speak to me that day will be my mom and my brothers. (All my friends will be out of town.) It sucks to have a birthday in the summer. Heck, it sucks to have a birthday at all.

Aren't birthday supposed to be special? I dread holidays. It is just another oppurtunity for dissapointment. That's all you ever get when you shoot for the moon, dissapointment, emptiness. I feel as though I am consumed with emptiness.

Sorry, I'm in such a bad mood, I hate staying with my dad, oh, and his realatives are here. I wish I could just cut my father from my life. I wouldn't miss him. I would miss having a father, and the things fathers are supposed to be a do, but not him. So it wouldn't really change anything. I mean, the idiot just figured out that a hate his guts and that I'm only nice to him because he'll buy me anything I want. So I'm off to spend a misurable day with the ----'s clan. Hope your summer is going better than mine! TTYS

~K

Oui With the Poodles Already

Hey! I know I haven't written in a while. I just switch my blog over to myspace from AOL.
So, schooling update. I applied, was accepted, and am attending ND. I am really concerned that it isn't going to be academically challenging enough. I finished the summer reading in two hours. I'm re-taking Algebra and I've learned most of the course material all ready.
You know something that people don't notice. Signs. Not like the ones on the road, the ones you find in people. Like the sign that someone is suicidal. No one would have ever noticed that I have often considered suicide. Or the signs that some one is getting angry. A lot of times people are to busy to notice the hints given out by the people around them. I encourage you to take note of the signs around you.
I leave you with. "Oui with the poodles already." Happy 4th of July! God Bless America!

Hollywood: The Best Way to Crush Your Dreams!

I am seriously pissed off. My dad produced a movie and as part of it we were supposed to get to go to the last couple days of shooting. So far, they've "rescheduled" twice. So now, I have to choose between visiting my best friend and taking a screen test. (They want me to "audition" to be in their movies.) Damn Hollywood. They think their so great because they have money. I have money to you know! (Or at least my parents do.) I tell you, if they reschedule one more time, I'm gonna...I'm gonna.....give them really big boo-boo's.
...And I mean that in the possible scariest way.

Substitute People

I'm so sick of being a "substitute person" as Kirstin Dunst puts it in Elizabethtown. I'm ignored, walked all over, and basically treated worse than dirt. Maybe it's my fault, but after almost 14 years, I'm really sick of it.
Do you ever wish you could set your school on fire? I want to watch this place burn with all the people in it. I sure as hell hope I get into Catalina for all this time I've spent busting my but.

I just don't get it. The whole eight grade girl thing. The giggly-ness, the makeup, the slutty (or extremly boyish) outfits. It's just not me. I've tired my whole life to fit in and I'm starting to discover just how different I am (even at York). I'm pissed off because when I was failing people treated me stupid because I acted like it, so they thought I was. (Boy that was fun the first week when I started get the highset scores on the tests. They were so shocked! LOL!) And now that I've shown how smart and serious I really am, they treat me even worse. I don't get how jealousy makes people say false things, in hope that they will become true. They (the other six girls) keep saying how ugly and stupid and I am. Let's face I'm beat all of them in wit, personality, and looks. Hell, if you put all six of them together I'd still beat 'em. Now, if it was just them saying cruel and hurtful things then screw it, but my mom keeps going on about how fat I am. And unless I start snorting cocane or stop eating, I'm not getting any thinner. I have abosolutely no support, so I just need to vent sometimes. As fun as it is to yell at people, it's not nice (unfortunately). Well, it's back to the living hell that is the eighth grade. (Damn, I have P.E. next!) I tell ya, if I survive this year, the eighth grade is going to drive me to turn goth and worship satan, or drill my brains out, which ever is more conveniant at the time. I better go or I'll be late. If I don't write soon, assume the worst. ;-)