Scientific Method

Forgive me if I've lead you on, but the thing is, it was all just a test. I wanted to know what it would be like if I didn't guard myself, if I gave into you. I meant know harm. We're both happy here, right? So I really don't see a reason to rock the boat. The thing is, I care about you. Not sure on what level or to what extent, but I certainly do. I got tired of thinking and re-thinking and over thinking; so I just let go. I just said, "Aww, baby, I miss you too." ...That's ok, right? I mean I felt it. The only problem is, I can tell your falling in love with me. I'm trying to warn you. Call me Edward freaking Cullen, but the best thing for you is for you to stay away from me no matter how hard it may be. I'm not sure where this is going. Brand new procedure; just sitting back watching the mixture bubble, watching you fall for me, saying what I feel and not caring what I think. I apologize in advance if this explodes. I really am not meaning to singe your internal organs with noxious gas; just applying a new solution to an old problem. Just trying to let go like you told me to. It's all just an experiment.

Internet Boy

Well none of my friends are picking up their phones, so I thought I'd blog, because writing always helps me think better when my head is jumbled. And though I could just write this and save it on some random file in my computer, blogging makes it feel like someone's actually listen (though the fear of who might be listening means I probably won't post this). So here goes, no specifics, just thoughts.

I didn't expect to like him. He isn't my type. It doesn't make sense. My friends would shutter. I think I worry too much what they think.

I like him. Well, I think I like him. How do any of us ever really know if we like anyone? I've always been confused by that. But I think I do. I like talking to him. I get excited from his text messages. I miss him when he's gone. I think about him all the time. I literally plied out of bed this morning...literally, plied...as in ballet...it was ridiculous. I can't stop smiling all week thinking about him and my head is just constantly spinning...That means I like him, right?

But I feel skeptical of it all. I don't feel something that I've felt with others. Desire dare I say? It isn't as he makes me drool or anything (gross image, sorry bout that). But then again, does that matter? Does what someone looks like really matter? "Yes!" every fiber of my being screams in a shallow undertone; but I really don't know.

When he's gone, doubt creeps in. I laugh at myself. What am I thinking? This is crazy! One should not want to rush home to talk to a screen. I'm beginning to feel like that girl from the retreat. At the time, her story seemed trivial. Seriously, who would get so worked up over some internet boy? But now, I have a feeling karma has come to bite me in the ass. I was meant to hear that story. Perhaps it was a warning. Perhaps I should've listen more instead of just absent-mindedly stuffing my face full of goldfish.

And then there's the whole visit thing. I'm finding myself a tad petrified. I don't know if I can handle this, I mean, it's seriously freaking me out. Most people would say that if something feels wrong, you shouldn't do it, but that's just the thing, everything feels wrong to me. My gut is naturally evasive to love due to my lack of exposure to it, and this evasiveness only further limits my exposure; cruel cycle eh? Anyway, focus Katherine, so next week, I is afraid. I'm worried I won't be what you expect, or you won't be what I expect, or I'll fuck things up again like I did with Kiefer. I'm hoping having Christina there will help; she knows how to keep me sane. But then again, what if I attach myself to her as I often do at school? That would be awkward.

I know, I over-think everything. It sucks. I hate it. I wish I could just turn it off and just feel. Just want something and go for it with no hesitations. I think that's what I really like most about you, you're so comfortable with yourself. You don't care what anyone things, you just are. It's so amazingly...dare I say sexy? I feel incredibly awkward using that word on the internet where someone might see.

I think that's part of my problem. I'm afraid of relationships, a lot of it cause I'm scared of messing them up and of getting hurt. Which, let's face it, at 16, there is inevitably going to be heartbreak. Not to mention something about them feels wrong. The way my mom talks about girls with boyfriends makes me feel like a bad person for wanting one. Though I rationally understand that her logic is warped, on some level, I've absorbed it, and it makes having feelings for anyone more complicated because somewhere deep inside, I am morally conflicted on a very primal level.

Thinking...

I just had a thought (shocking, I know, haha). So I frequently seem to find myself in these rather fucked up long distance relationships. My best friends usually live far away and I always seem to fall hardest for boys who are geographically unavailable. I don't know so much about the friends, but as for the guys, I wonder it if it has anything to do with my dad.

It's apparent that it has held to true to some extent, the cycle predicted to me since an early age that I would end up with a man like my father in attempts to repeat and correct the cycle that I could not as a child that is. I tend to fall for stoners; ngl, it just seems to happen despite my best attempts and childhood promises to myself that I never would I always seem to find them appealing somehow (whether I know at the time that they smoke or not). But then there's this whole geography thing. I mean, I only lived with my dad for what, 6 or 7 years before we moved and he only visited on weekends? Is that what this is about? Is that what I expect of a male relationship? Because in basic logic, that sounds incredibly stupid, I mean, come on now, I like distant stoners?! What a lovely description that is; I wonder if e-harmony has that category, eh? haha

There is one other very logical part to this: shear comfortability. To those of you who don't know me outside of school, I am terribly boy shy. I tend to babble, or be quiet, or just generally make an idiot out of myself; when it comes to guys I have zero confidence. I'm usually just preparing myself for their ridicule because somehow, that's just what I expect; anything else just confuses me. So to be in a relationship with someone far away is perfect for this. Technological barriers limit a sense of emotional connection and help me guard my heart. Not to mention the obvious convience of technology providing an excuse for not actually spending time with the person where I would a) be presented with expectations I would not know how to fill and b) probably blow it as result.

I don't know. The whole thing confuses me. It was just a thought.

jun10r year

I'm sitting in the library all alone because everyone else is gone for summer, so I thought, what a good time to reflect on the year that is now no more.

Here's some memories:

• Polo. Finding rides as the pool of non-driving juniors quickly evaporated. Finally getting to play for a change. Beating Catalina. Making new friends and chilling with old ones. The work outs are killer, but I love the way that in polo season, I have unity with girls that normally ignore me; and afterwords we all get along a little better.
• Football games. My first three. So much fun despite my very spazoid state of excitment. Can't wait til next year. (Hopefully I'll finally make it to a Homecoming, lol)
• Paying for the Back to School dance in quarters. That guy hated me so much. XD
• Boys. Lots of boys. Pratically a new one every week to the extent that I swear that Maria and Christina almost killed me. lol (Sorry ladies, but I love you for listening =)
• Giant Cookies! Discovering the bakery with Christina. Racing to make it in time Choral with our cookie remnants in hand one morning.
• Bus rides. Morning's with Gabby were so amazing; I so missed her when she left. I have a love/hate relationship with the bus. It's annoying to take and deal with immature freshman and the occassional child molester, but at the same time I love the sense of unity it has, the ability to people watch. I think I'm just fine to be done with it though, lol.
• English class. God that was amazing. Aside from pure visual enjoyment *winkwink*, in what other class can you get an A just for mentioning God a few times, or listen to Hayley Tamangi ask Mr. Micheletti to winter ball? We had a great group and some amazing afternoons. I'm goona miss that class so much. (BURDTTTT!!! hahaha, ily Kyra)
• Winter break. Having my mom set me up with Chaz at Christmas dinner and then stalking Calvin and making Twilight and Australia themed pizza's with Christina on New Years; simply epic.
• Twilight. Worst and funniest movie of my life. Can't go without mention.
• Early release days. Getting ice cream. Wandering to parks. Chagning shirts in bushes on sidewalks. Not caring where we were going because the only thing that mattered is that we were with our friends and we were free. I wish I could capture that feeling in a charm and wear it all the days of my life.
• FOB! Best concert of my life. Trying to co-ordinate everything was a nightmare, but it was so worth it (despite reeking of cheap beer for the next few days). I can't wait for the next one and for going to New Zealand with Christina to look for Jack, hehe.
• Canabera, Australia! hahaha, and all my other randomly amazing conversations with Joseph (and now Zoe too which makes me so happy =).
• Afternoons on the corner. Sometimes the only thing that helped me not kill myself all day (exageration for effect) was the thought of those 15 minutes aterschool with my friends, wondering who would be there today.
• Popular kid parties. Sounds trivial and so very Gossip Girl but I love it. It's taken me a long time to get where I am with the diverse group of friends that I do; and I so loving be friends with everyone and having that be okay. =)
• Staying up late. Last year it was all "bed by ten" and this year I stay up to three almost every other night. Exhausting but awesome to have the freedom to do so.

Overall, fabulous year. Thank you all for being in my life this year and helping me make it what it was (Christina, Maria, and Tierna especially). I love you all; especially those of you I got to know better this year-I'm so grateful to have had that opportunity. I hope you have great summers and I can't wait til next year =)

"Yesterday is a history, tomorrow a mystery."

Peril

No.
Stop.
Wait.
Don't.
Don't you dare.
Don't fall in love with me.
Please, I'm begging you.
Don't do it.
It isn't safe.
It isn't ok.
I'm broken.
I'm a jinx.
I'm going to mess it up.
I always mess it up.
Turn back now;
Before it's too late.
It's for your own good.
I'm going to hurt you.
Something will go wrong.
It's going to break my heart.
I'm going to get hurt.

Let Go

And in that moment, she sat alone in her dark room, hugging her knees, and missed you. You who she'd never met. You who are by all means a stranger. And yet somehow, with your kind heart and the innocent wisdom within your maturity you'd broken down all the barriers and infiltrated her heart in a week the way it had taken so many years to do. She felt, if only for a moment, certain of her feelings for you, and yet at the same time, utterly mixed up about what those feeling meant. Though hundreds of miles away, you were right next to her for a moment. She tried so hard not to let you in, she really fought it; but now it seemed it was too late, she'd passed the point of no return; neither party would escape this completely unscathed. This terrified her. What had she done? What if the daylight brought with it hesitation and a change of heart? What if she hurt you? Her kind heart could not contain the thought. Or worse, what if it didn't? What if she felt the same, if you felt the same, even though we both know that there is no forward from here? With a mournful sigh and a wary-eyed glance around the darkened room she was angry with the world. Why did this always happened to her? Why did she always fall for ones who were so far away? She hated what she knew was the aftertaste of this midnight happiness-the lonely, a feeling of lonely that can only be found when you know there is someone out there but you cannot reach them. For once she just wanted to know the warm touch of romance without it being overshadowed by distance. Oh what a whirlwind of a five minutes! She loved and hated it at the same time. Mostly she knew that she was falling too hard too fast; her mind told her to stop it, warning her of the impending rocks below, but her heart, her hurt, they pushed her forward. She tried to get back to the happy moment just before the "goodnight", hoping to relinquish these hesitations from her mind and dwell in the euphoria for as long as possible; the morning could be a time of worry, for the night she just wanted to dream a little. She paused, and took a deep breath, trying to silence the voices; she couldn't help but think of the beach. She flipped her hair, and laughed thinking of what you would say if you could only see her now.

Plexyglass Ceiling

I hate societal double-standards. I hate that boys can date younger but girls can't. I hate that if a man is promiscuous it's a source of pride, yet if a girl is, it's shameful. I hate that no matter what happens in the world, their will always be elitist men.

I hate many of the expectations of woman. Whether we realize it or not, they exist. I hate that we are supposed to be feminine and mysterious and sexy and all the other things we have to be. What about just being ourselves? Even if I'm not sure who that is yet, it is what I want to be.

And within all these standards, I hate the socially acceptable forms of communication. The way no one believes a male-female friendship can be strictly platonic. The way if I say the wrong thing, some one will interpret to mean that I do or do not "like" them. I hate that guys can say provocative stuff without it evolving a conversation, yet if the girl chimes in the conversation is suddenly lead in a direction or she is shunned. Sometimes I just want to say what's on my mind and not have anyone read into it. Guys can go up to a girl and say "Dayum girl you look fly", and though personally I laugh at them, it's acceptable; but a girl can't say such things. Not that I would indulge it, but if I want to complement some guys ass, I should have the right to do that without some societal judgement.

I'm just so frustrated beyond belief with social barriers that will never be broken and with my efforts at sorting myself out as a I sort out my dealings with others.

Tangent time (and not the geometric kind): It's just like I am me. I am not what girls are supposed to be, and I like that; who wants to be a clone of all the other Barbie's, ya know? I am also rather conservative when it comes to values. Yet at the same time, I'm a teenager to here. It's not like I live on Pluto. I have the desire to party, to have fun, to just let go sometimes; though the need for drugs and alcohol I don't quite understand, the liberalism and freedom of it all looks like fun sometimes. I just wish my peers understood that instead of assuming I'm a narc just because I'm not hittin' the giggle weed every other weekend.

Breakaway

I really have nothing of real interest to report. No profound philosophy or intricate concentrations on human emotion or the functions of life. Just sitting here, in the chaotic juxtaposition of girls that make up my digital media class, bored out of my mind because it is that last day and we therefore have nothing going on, listen to the No Doubt being blasted from behind me. I really should be working on other things. Chemistry and English and Math and all the other things that beckon; but I don't want to. Far to much in my life is like that, all the things I should be doing but don't. It's like my life is divided in half: the things that others expect of me and that which I expect of myself. Mostly my mom; she expects me to be meek, and sutdious, and her personal assistant. But I am not those things. I am loud, and could care less about school or sacrificing in the service of others.

Very cliche, but Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson is now playing and I think that's all I want in life. I am so tired of living for others, living for some pipe dream at my mom's acceptance. I'm sick of constantly hold myself back, of giving up on things that I want that my mom wouldn't approve, of wasting my youth away trying to be someone that I'm not. Today I become a senior in high school, and yet with the restriction of my life I may as well be a kindergardener. Watching all these seniors graduate and go off to their lives makes me so jealous. I can't wait to be free. To paint my nails black, and right on my arms, and dress myself, and dye my hair whatever color I want, and I all the other things I can't do here.

It's kind of like my car ride to school this morning. I overslept (yeah, going to bed a 4 a.m. was not the best idea apparently, haha) and missed the bus and my mom had to drive me. It was 30 minutes of lecturing me on my incompetance, and what a burden I am on my family, and how sick of me my mom is, ansd how horrible I looked, and how I'm never going to be aloud to get a license if I can't even wake up on time; but eventually, we got to school, I got out of the car, and my mom left, and I was okay and happy and free to go on me.

So I suppose this is just an 18 year long car ride; eventually we will reach our destiny, I will get out of the car, and I will be free. But for now, I'm sick of these spinning wheels feeling like they never progress. I am ready to stand on my own to feet.

The Deadliest of Sin

You know what the hugest factor in the presence of each of the seven deadly sins is? Lack of temperance. I was thinking about this on the bus the other day- how lack of self control is the binding factor in all of the most deadly vices. And I must say, if I am on to something, if this really is the case, then my internal self must be none other than a metaphorical portal to hell.

By textbook definition and scholarly opinion, my biggest vice in life would be that I have no self control; it leads to sloth, anger, lust, gluttony, greed, and even pride. Just think about it. (An inability to control ones thoughts, restrain their distractions creates sloth; lack of control over emotion leads to outbursts of anger, inhibition of desire paves a path of lust, gluttony is found in the absence of temperance in all forms, incompetent management of material desire creates greed, and a relinquishment of egotistical control is often the cause of pride.)

If you think about in this sense, then those anarchistic religious extremists may actually have a point. If we live in a society where not only each of the individual sins are encouraged, but where a materialistic nature and need to fulfill ourselves with that which we do not have are thrust toward our feeble minds from all directions and by all outlets of media, are we not simply creating a nation of disrepair- a land in which our portrayal of daily life in hopes of furthering merchandising creates a breeding ground for the deadliest of sin?

Play

I'm so spinning and frazzled. It's the exhaustion and the stress, and the demon of things I have to do breathing down my neck. The only peace I find, it seems, are in my feeble attempts at intelligent writing, and the spastic happy moments of outer ignorance to it all (usually with my darling Marc <3).

This whole boy-girl thing. It really sucks. It's all just one big giant game. It's about luck, and strategy, and whether or not the cards are drawn in your favor. If you're winning, then it's great, the best game ever; but if you aren't then you hate it, it's so stupid and juvenile and you are determined to win, cheat, or just go cry in the corner.

Nothing can ever just be straight forward. It's all this flirting, and smooth moves, and timing, and it's just such crap. Why must there be all this restraint and lingo. Why is it that so-and-so is "talking" to you but "hooking up" with this person over here and "hanging out" with this other person over here? Why is it all so goddamn complicated? What happened to boy and girl meet, they like each other, boy returns girl's glass slipper, they ride off into a carriage in the sunset? Ok, well that's milking it a bit; but is just simplifying things really so much to ask of society? Why can't we just tell people that we like them and whether they like us back or not, we deal with it and move on.

It'd be so much easier than all this damn drama. I know our society is afraid of "awkward" and "embarassment" (both things which might ensue in the reality of confessing ones affections) but seriously people, get over it! In case you hadn't noticed, life is messy. It is full of awkward moments and elephants in rooms and nerdfighters such as myself, but if you don't suck it up and deal with it, it just perpetuates these infectious headgames (and I seriously doubt that those are good for anyone).

Now if it were just the whole "circuling around eachother" thing, then maybe I can deal; but it's more than that. There's this whole other sect, that's all about toying with people-playing there emotions like a paddle ball. If we didn't have all these societal norms and expectations to follow, then we would millions of hearts might be spared some detriment. I could say to this person that I really like them, and yet confess to another my desire for plutonia (yes, I did just invent the context of that word).

It all just like a big game and it seems to me like no one ever has a winning streak for long and yet, they just keep playing (reminds me of Vegas, haha). All this falsery and mixed signals and double motives and so very much left up to inferences which are often misguided; clearly communication is a huge lacking factor. And though I very much believe in staying chill and taking it easy, I don't know...sometimes I just wish people would think before they act and that they would take life just a little bit more seriously.