Transition

So much change in so little time. It's really quite crazy. I look back at that girl I was in high school, just a few months ago, and I hardly even recognize her. She was so awkward. She spent so much time worrying what other people thought of her. She really had so much fear.

It's really hard to even fathom how much I've grown up since then. I mean sure, I'm 18, by no means am I done with this transition, but I'm pausing to glance around in the midst. The foundation of who I am will always be me. But I like the person I am now so much better. She's so much more assured. She's so incredibly strong.

It's funny. You go through high school and every little thing seems so important. The experiences you'll take with you, the true friendships will stay, and the memories you'll cherish...but the second it's over, you look back and realize that none of that other bullshit mattered.

In a Perfect World

I can't wait to be in this place

Be it actual, or metaphorical I don't care

So long as it is

A place where I don't have to wake up to yelling

Or fall asleep in tears

A place where I'm not told daily that I'm ugly,

useless,

unwanted

A place that truly let's me believe that the only opinion of me that matters is my own

A place where I can make my own life choices,

and not have them questioned

A place where I don't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep at night

Or how I'm going to afford food for the day

A place where I don't have to be beaten

and told over and over again that I deserve it

until I actually start to b e l i e v e

A place where I don't have to be yelled at for crying

Told tears are for the spineless

A place that I will not be told that I am unloved

told that I never have been and never will be

because I'm a "useless fucking cunt"

My own mother rues the day I was born.

A place where the people in my life aren't after having power over me,

So high and mighty in their authority

Holding it over my head with crossed arms and taunting faces

Perfect image of a three-year-old, spoiled rotten

They tell me that this place, does in fact exist.

I hope and pray that it does.

But sometimes it's hard to hang on to you're hope.

In fact, after so many years,

It can be hard just trying to convince yourself that you're worthy of anything better.

Calm Before the Storm

I have this dream sometimes

I sit comfortably,

Wrapped in the blanket of my life I am cozy an warm

All is quite, and peaceful

But then I start to shiver

A chill sets in

I grow cold

The blanket starts to rock like waves

Until it has sublimated completely

Suddenly, I'm beneath a dark ocean

Black water enveloping my spirit

It pulls me

down

Fast, powerful waves thrash me about, ripping me apart

A suffocation I can feel in my veins

I don't remember which way is up.

I don't remember how I got here.

I don't remember what it feels like to be safe.

Not My Mother's Daughter

She would love the way he opens doors for me

She would love the way he always pays

She would love the way he is sweet and kind

Though she would chastise me for relying on a man

She would hate his family,

his household,

his parents

Three of the things I love most

She would hate the way he behaves,

the way he is so completely his own person

She would love his sense of humor

if ever she gave it a chance

I would hope she would see that her daughter, does in fact, have some sense of giving her affections only to the worthy

She would hate the trivial things

Like the height difference

Or his heritage

He is the greatest thing in my life

And she the worst

She would hate a great many of the things that make me love him

And she would hate that he is mine

Bartholomew and Jack

Is it?

Is it crazy to think you can have met your one and only at 17?

"Yes," I tell myself.

Preposterous.

But sometimes I don't know.

The way you talk about forever sometimes makes me wish it were so.

I really start to believe you.

And we aren't like them.

Not at all.

What we have is so...indescribable.

I really just can't imagine us going wrong.

I can't picture us fighting.

There would never be a taking for granted.

We're different.

But how many lost little girls have I heard that from?

"Sure you are," became my standard cynical reply.

Maybe I really didn't have the perspective to judge them.

This too shall probably blow up in my face.

But I just don't see it.

The way you are just makes me loose my sense.

...And I told them I wanted to fall in love...

Bliss

It wasn't this all-powerful thing it's always presented as. I didn't come out of it a different person. It didn't turn me into some lovesick puppy. My life was not transformed or even conceivably altered.

I was happy. Really happy. The happiest I can ever remember being. The second I was living it I completely forgot what I was ever worried about. Every discussion I'd had with anyone, any sage piece of wisdom they'd try to pass on from their mistakes - when it came down to it, the only thing that truly mattered was what was in my heart.

It's one of those things that can be generalized. It often is. People say "this is right" "that is wrong", but it's not like that. For every person it's different, and even then with every person it's different.

I've been told I lucked out. But for me, life right now is absolutely marvelous. :)

Troy

Battle scars guard the heart

Like the Trojan wall

Thickly built and rooted in ancient history

Love is precious Helen

Both cause and prisoner

Impending siege leaves her fate in the throws of confusion

Some stories are short stories

This was not to be a ten year war

And yet there was a Trojan horse

Some things are unforeseen

Perhaps Odysseus enjoyed his years of solitude

Though he missed Penelope

What is life without fully-enveloping adventure?

Young hearts are impassioned, impulsive, and easily swayed as the golden maiden shows

They do not pass up Opportunity for Commitment's sake

One can wait on Ithaca's shores for a love that may never return the same,

But I have many islands to see before that day is mine

How life would be simpler were it not for boys clever of spirit and impulsive fair-haired girls with adventure in their eyes...

next

Life hasn't been quite what I want lately. It's a funny place to be on the brink of adulthood.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm having an amazing summer. Lots of adventures. Crazy times with friends. A fabulous boyfriend who makes everyday wonderful. Even had an easy time with my mom for the most part. But it's just...this isn't how I pictured it.

You look up as a little kid, and you picture your life a certain way. And, while I figured out a while ago I wasn't cheerleader material, and I would never be little miss popular, I just saw things a little differently.

I got really excited about moving out. I was going to be rough and young and hip. We'd take our little red Jeep to thrift stores for clothes, before heading back to our crappy little studio apartment. Gettin' by on love, friendship, and minimum wage. It was going to be a glorious adventure, and it was mine for the taking. And while I realize and appreciate the fact that we would've been dead broke, and being stuck at home probably has more benefits than losses, I can't help but feel a pang of sadness every time I see a Cherokee. My life was almost mine.

I just wasn't suppose to be here. I mean, I know I'm not trapped. I'm only here until January, and then I get to go away to college. It really is a pretty sweet deal. It's just not how I pictured. I was going to be a hip young adult. Work as a waitress, or in a coffee shop. Have a cool haircut. Drive a car that was freely mine. Be independent.

And I mean, I'm getting closer. I am now, for the most part, the person I wanted to be last summer. The one with an armful of friendship bracelets, crazy blond hair, a closet full of flannels, and the perfect summer romance. But after conquering that hurdle, I shift, I want something new and different and I feel like I'll never catch up.

I watched this rather mediocre film called Passengers a while ago, and there was a quote from it that has stayed with me.

"You know what's scary about decisions? When you make one, life becomes real. Not possible, or how you imagined it - real."

I'm learning more and more that each choice I make effects the person I will be tomorrow. It's a terrifyingly large amount of pressure. I'm not so trapped in the plexyglass bubble any more. My future is racing towards me and my procrastinative screw up nature has a very loud voice in my head telling me I can't do it.

I want an apartment in a trendy urban city with a closet so full of sundresses there's a new one for each day of summer.

Time to jump.

So what's it going to be Katherine, sink or swim?

In Time, I Trust

"...Wait for a boy who calls you beautiful, instead of hot. Wait for a boy who calls you back when you hang up on him. Wait for a boy who will lay under the stars with you or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for a boy who kisses your forehead. The boy who wants to show you off to his friends even when you are wearing sweats. Wait for a boy who will pick you up off your tippy toes for a kiss and the one who holds you so tight it feels like he will never let go. Wait for a boy who reminds you of how much he cares & how lucky he is to have you. Wait for a boy who plays with your hair while you’re asleep. The boy who won’t let the night end until he sees one more smile. Wait for a boy who watches you instead of the movie and will turn your head away from the movies just so he can get a second look into your eyes. Wait for a boy who constantly pulls you back every time you say goodbye just for one more kiss. Wait for a boy who calls your phone right after he drops you off, just to hear your voice again. The boy who calls you “honey” or “sweetie”. Wait for a boy who laughs at your jokes, even though you know they are stupid. The boy who makes you feel like you’re his world. Wait for a boy who gives you a little kisses on the tip of your nose. Wait for a boy who will bring you flowers just because its Wednesday. Wait for a boy who turns to his friends and says “that’s her"..."

He's not what I expected. I didn't picture prince charming in plaid. I pictured him a bit taller, maybe broader shoulders, a slightly more chiseled jaw, but here he is, and he's not quite how I pictured, and I'm completely okay with that.

Hamilton and I met in a basement a few months ago. After weeks of hearing that either a) we would be instant best friends or b) we should totally date because c) we were basically the same person, I was naturally a bit curious to meet this individual. For the superficial reasons listed above, I instantly marked him off dating potential and we became pretty good friends. Many late night life-talks via facebook chat followed that one drunken basement evening. But then after Alex and I were over, I found myself wondering. I found myself intoxicated by his wit and sense of self. I questioned his sentences, searching for a hint at potential for more. And then on the class Disneyland trip, I saved him a seat just because I knew we could easily have an amusing 8-hr conversation and he would be one of the few awake and not grumpy after the ordeal. He sat next to me and we giggled about nonsense and cuddled trying to make bus seats more comfortable. I woke up with this tiny blond boy sleeping on top of me and I realized that my feelings for him were more then friendly.

The next phase passed in a blur. I'm pretty sure he'd had his mind made up about me from the get-go (though I'd been oblivious til that fateful night in tha magic kingdom (hehe, sounds like an innuendo)). In the next week our friendship was the same and yet different somehow. They're was more cuddling for starters. But otherwise, the change wasn't visible, just palpable.

After one such afternoon of cuddling and a long winded tickle fight, he kissed me. Two days later on another such afternoon he just looked down at me and says, "So I haven't officially asked this yet, so I think I should: Katherine Stevens, will you go out with me?" I literally spent a good two minutes attempting to think it over (my head was bit cloudy for thinking). He asked if he should be concerned that my answer was taking so long. I explained that I'd never gone out with anyone before so I had to think about it. He giggled.

It's been about a week and a half since then. It's just starting to occur to me that I have a boyfriend. I've been using the word a lot trying to get myself use to the idea; practicing it in casual conversation, trying to be nonchalant. I still have slightly mixed feelings about the whole thing. I have my moments of slight superficial insecurity: My god, what am I doing with him? We must look so silly with my being taller. But I'm starting to see these negative voices quelled with time. Every time I talk to this boy I like him a little more. He's incredibly sweet and everyone (including him) keeps telling me that he really really likes me. I'm a little scared that I might hurt him somehow; we're both aware that he's more invested in this than I am, and we all saw how that circumstance went for me last time. And now, after spending an amazing night with him last night I'm starting to get a little scared that I might really fall for this boy; but by the time I manage to get my heart unguarded enough to let him in, it will be time for him to leave for college and us to be over.

But I'm not worrying. I think part of putting this blog off in fact was fighting worry. I'm not over-thinking this one, I'm just trusting myself on autopilot and living it. I'm not trying to make this something more than it is. We're going to have a fun summer relationship. I'm in it for the ride, as long as that ride may last - I'm gonna enjoy it, and not regret anything when it's over, just look back and smile at the fun I had.


What I can say so far though, is that this last week has taught me three important things I wish I could tell my younger self:

1 - Having a boyfriend is not that special. The word does not revolutionize your life. Sure they're kinda sweet and nifty sometimes, but you can't rest your salvation on someone's shoulders - it's just way too much pressure.

2- Get comfortable with dating before embarking on a relationship. Not every romantic encounter will result in a relationship, and yeah, it kinda sucks sometimes when he just didn't like you back. But love isn't something that can or should be pressured. Date around. Explore the world's bountiful options. It will let you have some great experiences, meet cool people, and learn a lot about yourself. Don't focus on trying to get to the relationship phase, just enjoy the ride for what it is. And if it doesn't ever make it there, you've had fun and you've learned things that you won't even realize you know until you finally do get to that relationship someday. In a roundabout way, I did this; I just went at it with the wrong attitude.

3- Don't settle. Don't accept some half-rate guy just because all you're friends have boyfriends and you don't want to die alone. Wait for the boy who calls you beautiful rather than hot. Don't reduce yourself to some boy who can't even open the door for you. The universe provides all things in time. Be patient and you might just get someone absolutely amazing (...well actually, if I'm talking to myself here, be patient and you WILL get someone absolutely amazing...but anyway...). The best things in life are worth waiting for.

Backed by Popular Demand

I haven't written in almost a month and there's practically been riot in the streets. There's so many things you want me to write about.

I know you want me to write about graduation. About how it was the most surreal experience of my life outside of my car accident. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I'll never see most of them again. I think if I actually let my self realize that it'd be way too sad. I keep getting told that everything is gonna change, but I don't want it to; so unhealthy as it may be, I'm clinging to the strands of my "old" life right now. I just barely got a high school experience and I'm not quite ready for it to be over just yet. (Kind of like how I still haven't read the 6th Harry Potter cause I just can't let go of Dumbledore yet.)

You're probably curious about my moving out. About how incredibly excited and terrified I am. The space is going to be small. My roommate and I are going to have to absolutely work every free waking hour just to make rent and gas money. But as of this moment we're doing it. Even if it's unfurnished and we live on the floor. I can't live in a house where I'm not sure I'll have a place to sleep depending on my mom's mood. I refused to be belittled and abused anymore. And though I feel a little guilty, like I'm abandoning my family, I'm going to be 18 and it's time for me to fly.

And lastly I know the most pressing topic is my boyfriend. I've been quelled for weeks to write about him (even though we've only been together about 1 now). You know I've really thought about what to say regarding him/this/us and I'm still at a loss for words. I know you all want the deets, but I'm not ready yet. Our relationship, my feelings for him and my feelings about being in relationship are still so constantly changing. Let me catch my breath and I promise I'll give you brilliance.

But for now I have a job interview and a huge party to go to.
Ahh. Summer <3