the truth hurts

"You can't say things like that to people Katherine."

I can't?

I can't speak the truth?

How am I to deal with it myself if I can't even talk about it?

There's no shame in the past.

No shame in mistakes,

In not knowing better.

So why do I have to live in secret?

Why do I have to stay silenced?

Caged in a painful truth I cannot speak.

Why do I have to keep quiet, feeling like what happened to me is something shameful?

Because when you do things like this to me, you make me feel guilty.

Like I deserved it.

Like it was my fault.

Like even to this day I don't have freedom over my words,

Over my life.

I know that you're not doing it on purpose.

I know that for you this world is still real.

I know that if I want to protect the people I care about I can't say it out loud.

But I need to deal with it.

I need to admit it.

I need to move on.

If the world was righteous and just it would let me.

It would let me stand up, look someone in the eye and face my scars so they can heal.

It would let me tell a therapist that I have been physically and verbally abused to a point of permanent detriment.

That when I hear people yelling I start to panic.

That I don't like people touching me because it makes me nervous.

That the voices still live in my head telling me that I'm fat, and ugly, and that no one will ever love me.

I know why I have to keep words quiet but it just isn't fair.

I want to let go.

I want to be better.

I want to move on

It's like I'm still just making up stories,

Like I had to every time I got a black eye.

I don't want to be damaged goods anymore.

I want to be free and move past it.

But that's the thing about domestic violence, it feeds on secrecy.

It's a world of darkness, where once you're trapped it's almost impossible to even imagine the light.

It's a silent struggle they never suspect.

A battle you will never stop fighting.

A nightmare you can't wake up from.

gone

I wish we were friends.

Well, I wish we were more, but even just friends would be nice.

That I could ask you "what's up?".

That I knew what was going on in your life.

That we talked on the phone now and again, I could have you tell your mom I said hi.

I wish I could let you know when you were on my mind.
Little things remind me of you daily.

I wish I could ask you if you "remembered when" too.

I wish things were civil.

That we could laugh together.

I miss how it use to be between us.

But mostly I just miss you.

missing you again

I'm scared Nathan

scared there will never come a day I don't miss you

scared I'll never stop loving you

scared you'll forget me

scared that no matter how much I want it, I'll never love anyone as much as I love(d) you

scared I'm broken beyond repair this time

scared I'll never be whole again

:/

falling upwards

light up

let go

let the world fall away

let time pass you by, or not;

perhaps you'll choose to linger in it,

count the seconds,

make them last

release your inhibitions

let go of your inner sensors

disregard your fear of humiliation

just sit, think, be

let it in, the thoughts, the feelings

swim around in the haze of possibilities

let the world fall away

go with your instincts

feel each caress,

the beat of every song

the passion in every kiss

float away for a while

let the world fall away

let yourself fall upwards

float through purple clouds

June 1st

Dear ______,

As you know, today is the one year of the day we got together, and I thought I'd be a wreck, but you know what? I'm actually doing very well.

Naturally today, I've been thinking a lot about that day. Remember when you asked me to go out with you and I asked you what that meant cause I'd never gone out with anyone before and you defined it as my not being able to do "this" (and you kissed me) with anyone else? It sounded like the greatest idea I'd ever heard. Why, someone actually wanted to kiss me and just me? It was definitely one of the happiest days of my life and I know I will remember it as such as long as I live. And I thank you for that. :)

I realized though, that I did you wrong on New Years. I made you that promise to kiss you and only you and then I just shattered it (maybe after that month of us debating all the time whether to break up that was the universe somehow telling us things were over even before we knew it ourselves). I'm sorry for other things too. I'm sorry for the way things are between us now. I'm sorry for coming across as bipolar in the few times we've talked. I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you meant any less to me then you did. I'm sorry for not being able to ever really put into words how much you meant to me in the time that we were actually together.

I'm really excited, you know? To see you that is. I'm excited to talk to you. To have that conversation we've been putting off. To hopefully clear the air. To maybe even be friends again someday.

Cause you see I wasn't ready for that before. Not just the talking, but a lot of things. I had growing up to do. I think you forget how much you were ahead of me in life experience years when we met. I've spent the last six months in a tumultuous hurry to catch up. And I think I'm there now. I'm sure I've still got a lot to learn, but I think I can deal with it all now. My heart healed. I didn't think it would, but it did. I caught up to you. And I think I'm ready to face you, and to have you in my life again.

I do want to make one thing perfectly clear though. I will always love you cuddlebuddy. I will always think of us in that happy-sad kinda way. I will always have a tiny wonder of "what if". My heart will always be a little empty because a piece of it is yours. But more and more I find that love to have changed into that like one might feel for prized childhood possessions. That first fluffy stuffed animal you got. You look at it now, edges frayed, nose falling off, loved to full capacity. It's no longer what it was to you in daily life, but you still can't help but smile a little every time you see it. It's that feeling of being young, of safety, of familiarity, of comfort, of home.

And I'm writing this not only to you, a) because I've written you a thousand times already and b) because I never actually intend to show this to you. I'm more writing this hoping that somewhere out there, you're thinking of me today too. That to you, I am not forgotten. Through this I send peace and kindness in your direction by way of the universe. I hope it gets to you.

More than all of this, I'm writing this for every girl who will ever have a broken heart - I promise you, no matter how much it hurts, or how impossible it seems, the love was worth it. One day you will heal.

Dreams of You Again...

I had a dream about you a few nights ago. Vivid as reality. We were in Nate's back room. It was night. It was silent. I don't know how we'd gotten there, or how long we stayed.

You walked over to shut the door. A solemn, serious expression on your face. You walked back and sat down on the bed next to where I was laying without so much as glancing at me.

We had sex. We had sex and it was passionate and sorrowful and amazing. There were no words. There was no kissing. No passionate staring into each others eyes. But somehow it was the closest to "making love" I've ever experienced.

Something to know that our love was fierce and passionate, and that even if it's over, it was real.

We must've fallen asleep, or I did at least. I was vaguely aware of you getting up, getting dressed, and walking out the door - shutting it behind you. Both of us still with our somber expressions.

And I knew somehow that that was it, that I would never see you again.

And it was beautiful. And it was perfect.

Something, anything to prove that we existed. Something to make me feel like I actually meant something to you, to prove that I still do.

And I woke up wishing it had been real.

dreams

i spend way to much time dreaming of my past

of days with you

of how i want them back

unshakable shadows

so let's dream for a moment

something beyond you

i forget such a world exists

what would i want if i wasn't so wrapped in darkness?

to be loved, that's for sure

but more

i want something wild passionate and free

i want to feel alive

i want to care about something, anything, other than you

i want romance

and adventure

with you i lived the only life i've ever known

i want a life, any life

any life but my own

grateful

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could call you up, that we could gab for hours.

That we could laugh and talk about life.

That I could cry and telling you all the dark scary things I wish you knew.

I miss that dynamic. It was beautiful and I will always remember it fondly.

There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

But as the healing progresses, mostly I just want to thank you.

Thank you for the way you always asked. The way you were cautious with my heart.

Thank you for talking. Thank you for listening. For the way you were always patient.

Thank you for making my life better. For knowing how to make me happy whether it was a Tuesday afternoon, or the moment I needed it most.

Thank you for teaching me about love, life, sex, relationships.

Thank you for teaching me about myself.

Thank you for always making me feel safe and loved.

Thank you for being the person I could call at two in the morning.

Thank you for gas money, football tickets, and giant teddy bears.

Thank you for memories I will always cherish.

Thank you for moving on, for forcing me to do the same.

Thank you for loving me, and letting me love you in return. For breaking my heart. For opening my eyes. For making me stronger.

Boxes

It's scary. The way it feels like none of it ever existed.

Past, present, future, possibility.

The way we compartmentalize our lives.

Taylor's been gone just a couple of days. Others longer. I moved into a new room today. I have to remind myself first semester happened...didn't it?

I had a flash a minute later, questioning Nathan. That seems weird considering how much he's still on my mind. But I did. Did that really happen? Somehow I don't believe it. That summer must be a dream, the way it's hazy in my memory.

Sort of like my reality with Jesse. It's like he, that world, that dynamic, they don't exist. I don't believe it when I'm not in it.

I see pictures of myself at Cherubs. I can feel Lake Michigan on my bare feet. I remember the summer air, the fireflies. I feel it, but I don't.

Out of sight, out of mind I suppose.

The Truth About "Forever"

"Look, at somepoint you're just going to have to accept it, and force yourself to move on."

But I don't want to.

Strong.

Feministic.

Independent.

Guarded.

I am not this girl.

This girl who lets boys break her.

How did you break her?

She never believed in "forever".

How did you trick her into the concept?

Maybe because I wanted it so bad.

To be loved.

To be wanted.

I remember birthdays.

Wishing that I could be good enough.

Because if I was good enough, maybe I wouldn't get hit,

maybe mommy and daddy would stop fighting

maybe they wouldn't look at me with such hatred in their eyes.

Regret for poor choices, time wasted, and lost dreams.

I wish and I waited and I repressed.

I burried feelings deep. I grew strong.

And 17 years later before I knew what was happening you wanted me.

You made me feel safe.

You made me feel loved.

You were the first person who treated me right.

The first preson who didn't judge me.

Or neglect me.

The first person I could really trust to love me no matter what.

The only person in my life I have ever been able to count on.

Somehow in that mess I think I got fooled.

I thought that finally having someone love me meant they'd love me forever.

I thought finally, finally, I was safe from the storm.

But the thing about forever, is that there's no such thing.

My head knew you were leaving, that there would be others for you

but my heart didn't feel it.

I don't know if it's you, or just the idea of you,

but I can't let go just yet.

I don't want to let go just yet.

Letting go means realizing that you're gone.

It means facing the fact that you're with her now.

That you're happy without me.

You have someone else to bring you that happiness now

Someone to laugh with

Cuddle with

Sleep with

While I sit here writing sad poetry about you.