Some thoughts on honesty...

Hello everyone! I just haven't written in a while and had a minute and thought I might. I think I haven't written lately because it seems that, with having a blog, it's always the person you hope won't read it who does, and that person you secretly wish will read it never does. I don't know, it's like it's just not safe to pour my heart out anymore.

I really like the concept of a blog because I'm the kind of person who has a need to lay all her problems, and feelings, and, just, everything out on the table and allow others to take it if they want to and leave if they don't. (Curse my blunt honesty! lol) If only more people were honest then maybe this would be an okay thing.

I mean why do certain individuals *coughNicoleSalovitchandKaylaDigoralimocoughcough* feel the need to take something truthful you have trusted them with and turn it into a bad thing? And why do so many people act without thinking as if they have no thought process? I understand that all of us have our blond moments, but does everything have to be about manipulation, hidden secret agenda's, and selfish motives? That is one great thing about me I suppose. I am a bluntly honest person who gives you the straight shit and if someone tells me something I don't feel the need to use it against them (I'm also not devious enough to manipulate people or have a hidden agenda).

Well I better go 'cuz my mom's coming but peace out and I'll be sure to blog again soon!

There will be other lives...(a wise insight on the cycle of life)

"There will be other lives.
There will be other lives for nervous boys with sweaty palms, for bittersweet fumblings in the backseats of cars, for caps and gowns and royal blue and crimson, for mothers clasping pretty pearl necklaces around daughters' unlined necks, for your full name read aloud in the auditorium, for brand-new suitcases transporting you to strange new people in strange new lands.
And there will be other lives for unpaid debts, for one-night stands, for Prague and for Paris, for painful shoes with point toes, for indecisions and revisions.
And there will be other lives for fathers walking daughters down aisles.
And there will be other lives for sweet babies with skin like milk.
And there will be other lives for a man you don't recognize, for a face in a mirror that is no longer yours, for the funerals of intimates, for shrinking, for teeth that fall out, for hair on your chin, for forgetting everything. Everything.
Oh, there will be so many other lives. How we wish we could live them concurrently instead of one by one. We could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. But that's not how it works. A human's life is a beautiful mess..."
-Gabrielle Zevin (Author of Elsewhere)

Hey You! Yes, You!

I was just looking at some of my old blogs and (if you haven't already) you should read them. While they may be dark and at times offensive, there is some damn good writing in there (if I don't say so myself) and they are quite amusing from an objective standpoint.

PS I'm sorry ifg anyone is offended by them. I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feeling but I am an honest person (deal with it).

XOXO ~KAT

Just Give Me a Chance!

Ok, I seriously literally can not find ANY auditions, or agents or anything and it's is pissing me off! I WANT to be an actress more than anything in the whole universe and I would do almost anything for it! I have spent countless hours studying, practicing, and researching, but I can't seem to get up the nerv to go to an audition, and then when I finally do get my act together there is nothing out there for me to do and something is ALWAYS standing in my way. I really need help because I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this (and I don't mean life, my suicidal days are over). I want this sooo bad I can see it, and taste....but I can't seem to get myself there.

Somedays, I wonder if there is a reason why all this is happeneing to me. Maybe I'll never make it (I mean, what are the odds, right?). And what if the universe IS trying to tell me something? What if I'm not good enough? What if I just will never deserve it? I mean, I've have been blessed with so much goodness in my life that maybe there's just none left for a miracle (especially one as selfish as this). It's just the hardest thing ever: I know that I can do this if the heavens would just smile on me for a minute and give me a chance (I want it! I really, really do!) but there just isn't anything I can do.

I HATE when life is like that 'cuz I'm the kind of person who needs to be doing something important all the time. Well, universe, please give me a chance.

PS I'm open to suggestions from the peanut gallerey if anyone's listening.

Better

Sorry I was so depressed yesterday. I really like having a blog. It's fun and it's like free therapy. I'm going to Hawaii in four days! I can hardly stand the excitement!!! I can't really think of anything else to write. So, I guess I'll write later when I have more to say. Happy April Fools!

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Ok, I'm editing this now that I thought of something. I just looked over my old blog entries, I'm amazed. I don't even remember writing half that stuff. It's good to pull your box of memories once and I while, but sometimes I wish I had someone to share them with. You know, like someone to talk to. I always wanted that when I was younger and it always got me in trouble. (I'm fine now in case you're wondering and I don't need anyone's help and I'm not looking for pity either; I'm just thinking) I also realized what writing potential I have (I can't wait 'til I get to do it for a living). Anyway that's it, so, bye now.

Something I Need to Say...

I hope no one actually read this because it's just sort of to get it out of my system but there are some things I really need to say (so if you read it then I guess it was meant for you to know this about me).
I am a dork. It's hard for me to admit it, but there it is. I mean I really love myself (not in an egotistical kinda way) but I am such a loser sometimes. I have also never had a good life until now; I use this as an excuse, and I know I shouldn't, but maybe, just maybe it is a valid excuse. Last year was miserable. I somehow hated every minute of it, though I don't remember why. I don't remember why I hated York or the people that went there. Part of that is because I hated myself. I hated myself for acting like such an idiot last year; trying to be something/someone I'm not to fit in. Why did I do it? I know I always wanted to fit in but did I really hate myself that bad? I know it wasn't all my fault. There was a lot of people at York that just gave me really nasty, mean vibes but did I have to go and let them win? Why did I cave and let them prove that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough, or capable of the tasks they gave me? I want it back! I want time to go back so I can fix this giant blemish in the face of my life! I want to prove to them that I can do it, and more importantly prove to myself that I can do it. I just feel like I'm floating in this giant abyss. I can't move forward until I fix it, but I can't go back. I just, I just don't know anymore, I just want to be free of this shadow. I have to do something to free myself of this pain. So, here it is; I'm sorry; this is my apology to all those I have hurt or wasn't true to. For all those I lied to and all those to whom I pretend to be something else. More importantly I apologize to my self for doing all these things and causing this pain. Maybe, if you do read this, you'll forgive me. Forgive me and forget me; just let me drift quietly out of your plain of existence. Just promise if you've read this that you won't pity me. I've always gone for the pity angle and it isn't a pretty one. So that's it. I'm launching this in to cyber-space and wishing the best. Is there anymore any of us can do than wish for the best and let time heal all wounds? But it wasn't the best, and I'm still waiting on time. So maybe, just maybe, this will help...