On the Precipice

On the verge,
On the edge,
Always on the sidelines.
Watching the others,
I long to play the game,
But I don't belong.

Watching,
Wishing,
Hoping for a new tomorrow,
But tomorrow never comes,
The darkness of eternal night abounds.

I feel it all speeding up,
Slipping away,
Falling through my fingers,
Everyone moving forward,
While I remain stagnant on the horizon,
A shadow of humanity.

I float on the waves,
Searching for the perfect storm,
The perfect crest to ride into shore,
But they break beyond my reach,
Leaving me to paddle on.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride,
I smile in the sunlight,
Silently waiting in shadows to feel I belong,
For love,
For friends,
For meaning,
But I do not belong.

I come close,
But I miss,
Always swinging too early or too late.
I watch the wind up,
Prepare for the pitch,
Only to make the same mistake twice.

I am on the precipice,
Of society,
Of happiness,
Of love,
Of life.
Waiting in shadows,
Longing for sunlight,
Hoping to ride the waves,
Hit a home run,
To find a place I belong,
And not screw things up yet again.

Just Listen

I had kind of a shocker day where I realized how little you sometimes know about your even your closest friends. More so, I realized the ignorance of teachers and even other students, who got about their daily little lives not realizing how many people are going through horrible shit, and how insensitive this seems. I was thinking about how trivial my life is now (and how grateful I now am for that), and how ignorant we all are, and inspired this.

Just Listen

Words swarming all around,
The buzz and the sound,
But no one really listens.
People die and people cry,
Some hurt and some lie,
But no one really hears.

Teachers and students,
Passing the day,
Many in pain,
But no one really listens.
Girls are crying,
Their families are dying,
But no one really cares.

Hearts are broken,
And words are unspoken,
But no one really listens.
There's children in pain,
A face and a name,
But no on really cares.

Some are homeless
And others are broken,
But no one really listens.
There's rape and abuse,
Girls with nothing to lose,
But no one really cares.

They sit in the classroom,
The adults drone on,
But no one really listens.
They lecture about homework,
They talk of the future,
To girls with no present,
But no one really cares.

Dreams

I used to dream of you.
Silly, simple, girlish things.
Lying in the summer grass,
A field of flowers surrounding us;
Studying your perfect face,
Hours passing all around.
You invaded my subconscious,
Every sense tantalized;
An echo of your daylight power.

But then the dreams came less and less,
My daily memories more and more.
The dreams I once dreamed of
Were not what I was dreaming for.

In the field,
I turn to see your face,
Your eyes are dull and gray.
The person I once thought you were
Just rots and falls away.
I lay alone in the cold dark grass,
Watching you sink,
Further and further,
Into the darkness,
Vanishing without a trace.
As in the daylight,
I am unsure of your existence,
Wondering if it was all just a dream.

But now the dreams come less and less,
My daily memories more and more.
The dreams I once dreamed of
Are not what I am dreaming for.

Darkness fills the grassy field,
The summer has grown cold,
Your eyes are dull and gray from here
But my memories play on.
My mind tells me you were real once,
But I need to accept you are gone.

But now the dreams come less and less,
My memories fade away too.
The dreams that I once dreamed of,
Are no longer what I am dreaming for;
And now I'm unsure if you're real at all,
Or even if you are who I'm looking for.

Fortress of Solitude

In religion class last year, Mr. S tried to teach us that no one can go "it alone", that we need others in order to survive. But he's wrong, we really don't need others.

It's true what they say about the fact that the only person you can depend on is yourself, that everyone else will only let you down.

Well, it isn't even always that they necessarily let you down. Sometimes they do. Sometimes you realize that your parents are not superheroes, but just people, and not even the good kind. Sometimes it is there fault, but sometimes it isn't; mostly I blame myself.

I have always been one to hope. Hope is one of the only things that keeps me alive. The infinite possibility of tomorrow. So, naturally, when it comes to people, I hope. I hope that they really are a good person, seeing only the good in them because the thought of yet another disappointment is almost unbearable. I hope that people are truly being genuine, that I'm not just manipulating their actions in my mind to shield myself esteem. And, when it comes to boys, more often then not, I hope that maybe, just maybe, this is the one that might actually like me; that maybe, just maybe, someone might love me someday.

Now I'm not a crazy person. I am not one of those girls who meets a guy and immediately starts naming our kids, because, quite frankly, I find that extremely desperate and creepy. And yet somehow, I feel so hypocritical. I degrade those girls so frequently (one in particular more often than others), mocking them for the selfish ignorance, so clearly compensating for insecurity; yet do I not do the same to some extent? Wishing, and hoping, and making more of a situation that is actually there in order to make me feel better about myself. (And more on this later, but how sad is it that we live in a society that, as women, we are taught that we can not truly be happy unless we are desirable to men and in a relationship?)

It's just that, after three years, I thought that I meant more to you than just another name on your friends list. But I guess when you said you loved me I let it go to my head. I must be the one with the problem, right? I just foolishly misinterpreted the friendly affections of yet another guy. I thought you were different, but perhaps I was mistaken, or perhaps it is I who am forever unchanged, destined to get my hopes up and watch them shatter into a million pieces over and over again throughout the eons.

I'm beginning to feel like there is something wrong with me. How is it that every single person I let into my heart only ends up hurting me? Is it the whole parent thing? Am I recreating my childhood family situation, being unloved and unwanted, over and over, trying to fix it; is that my destiny, my curse?

Love is out there, it really is. Maybe not for sixteen year olds, but it's out there. So in all the worlds' quantity of love, is their not even a micro gram out there for me?

I don't know whether it's others hurting me, or just me hurting myself, but it's times like this that make want to curl up into a ball in my own little fortress of solitude, never to let others in, never to be hurt again; to build up the walls of my heart, burying it within the sands of time. I don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness, but I suppose that to disperse myself throughout the love of the world, standing as an outsider watching the happiness of others who pass my life by, is better than living in the isolation of this cold Kryptonian shelter, eternally void of love.

Math Class Poetry

Despite Mr. Campbell's best efforts, math class was really just not holding my interest today; so I wrote these instead.

-DARKNESS-
trapped in this room with nowhere to go
nowhere but down
i have fallen
down the rabbit hole
into the deep dark depths below
never to be seen again
i never want to be seen again
i want to dissapear

-DEATH-
death is such a menacing word
it sounds so infinite and severe
but to me it holds the promise if sweet selfishness
of peace, of rest
i am so very tired

-A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT-
babbling of useless things
there mouths are running with mindless chatter
the rumors ebb and flow
but little do they know
the pain that lies within the depths of the cold dark water
but the water flows on

-SILENCE-
in my corner, i am silent and still
not a sound is heard
pins drop with delicate 'pinks'
friends whisper with insincere giggles
but i long to break the silence
to make them hear me