Disappointment

Hi Blog-o-sphere! Welcome to my new blogspot: www.hello-there-sunshine.blogspot.com!

So, I realized something just now. I was texting one of my good friends, when I noticed a rising sense of paranoia. I found myself questioning what he said, what his motives were, and if he was lying. I have been doing this with him for quite a while now and I'm really wondering why. This friend is one of my best, who I have known for almost three years, and he is the sweetest nicest guy and would never possibly try to hurt me...so why the suspicion?
It isn't just him though, this happens with all my friends or the people in my life for that matter. After a certain period of knowing them, I just kind of freak out. I question everything they do or say and begin to wonder if I can trust them. Then, after a while, I become convinced that they, like everyone else, are out to get me.
Now that I'm typing this I realize I sound like a total and complete nutjob, but it's true. For some reason, I eventually just stop trusting people and shut them out. The best I can figure, is that I'm trying to hurt them and escape the relationship before they hurt me.
I think the source, which I go back to time and again in blogs, and it really is the source of all evil (or at least my evil anyway), is my childhood. I learned early on that (in the words of one P.Sawyer) "People always leave." I had other kids use me, my parents abandon me all but physically (my dad physically abandoning me last year), and never had a geniune friend at an early age.
Stepping out of infixable the past and into present, the reprecussions are obvious. I am so easy to meet people; eager to befriend them and let them in. (It all goes back to that need to be loved and accepted that I so prevelently have.) But the problem is, that in doing so, I either alienate them, by moving too quickly, or worse, let them in only to have them shatter me a short while later.
So it seems, at times like the present, when I am most lost and vulnerable and in need of these people, in some sort of self-preservation I shut them out; knowing that I am too weak to handle their disapointment.