Scientific Method

Forgive me if I've lead you on, but the thing is, it was all just a test. I wanted to know what it would be like if I didn't guard myself, if I gave into you. I meant know harm. We're both happy here, right? So I really don't see a reason to rock the boat. The thing is, I care about you. Not sure on what level or to what extent, but I certainly do. I got tired of thinking and re-thinking and over thinking; so I just let go. I just said, "Aww, baby, I miss you too." ...That's ok, right? I mean I felt it. The only problem is, I can tell your falling in love with me. I'm trying to warn you. Call me Edward freaking Cullen, but the best thing for you is for you to stay away from me no matter how hard it may be. I'm not sure where this is going. Brand new procedure; just sitting back watching the mixture bubble, watching you fall for me, saying what I feel and not caring what I think. I apologize in advance if this explodes. I really am not meaning to singe your internal organs with noxious gas; just applying a new solution to an old problem. Just trying to let go like you told me to. It's all just an experiment.

Internet Boy

Well none of my friends are picking up their phones, so I thought I'd blog, because writing always helps me think better when my head is jumbled. And though I could just write this and save it on some random file in my computer, blogging makes it feel like someone's actually listen (though the fear of who might be listening means I probably won't post this). So here goes, no specifics, just thoughts.

I didn't expect to like him. He isn't my type. It doesn't make sense. My friends would shutter. I think I worry too much what they think.

I like him. Well, I think I like him. How do any of us ever really know if we like anyone? I've always been confused by that. But I think I do. I like talking to him. I get excited from his text messages. I miss him when he's gone. I think about him all the time. I literally plied out of bed this morning...literally, plied...as in ballet...it was ridiculous. I can't stop smiling all week thinking about him and my head is just constantly spinning...That means I like him, right?

But I feel skeptical of it all. I don't feel something that I've felt with others. Desire dare I say? It isn't as he makes me drool or anything (gross image, sorry bout that). But then again, does that matter? Does what someone looks like really matter? "Yes!" every fiber of my being screams in a shallow undertone; but I really don't know.

When he's gone, doubt creeps in. I laugh at myself. What am I thinking? This is crazy! One should not want to rush home to talk to a screen. I'm beginning to feel like that girl from the retreat. At the time, her story seemed trivial. Seriously, who would get so worked up over some internet boy? But now, I have a feeling karma has come to bite me in the ass. I was meant to hear that story. Perhaps it was a warning. Perhaps I should've listen more instead of just absent-mindedly stuffing my face full of goldfish.

And then there's the whole visit thing. I'm finding myself a tad petrified. I don't know if I can handle this, I mean, it's seriously freaking me out. Most people would say that if something feels wrong, you shouldn't do it, but that's just the thing, everything feels wrong to me. My gut is naturally evasive to love due to my lack of exposure to it, and this evasiveness only further limits my exposure; cruel cycle eh? Anyway, focus Katherine, so next week, I is afraid. I'm worried I won't be what you expect, or you won't be what I expect, or I'll fuck things up again like I did with Kiefer. I'm hoping having Christina there will help; she knows how to keep me sane. But then again, what if I attach myself to her as I often do at school? That would be awkward.

I know, I over-think everything. It sucks. I hate it. I wish I could just turn it off and just feel. Just want something and go for it with no hesitations. I think that's what I really like most about you, you're so comfortable with yourself. You don't care what anyone things, you just are. It's so amazingly...dare I say sexy? I feel incredibly awkward using that word on the internet where someone might see.

I think that's part of my problem. I'm afraid of relationships, a lot of it cause I'm scared of messing them up and of getting hurt. Which, let's face it, at 16, there is inevitably going to be heartbreak. Not to mention something about them feels wrong. The way my mom talks about girls with boyfriends makes me feel like a bad person for wanting one. Though I rationally understand that her logic is warped, on some level, I've absorbed it, and it makes having feelings for anyone more complicated because somewhere deep inside, I am morally conflicted on a very primal level.

Thinking...

I just had a thought (shocking, I know, haha). So I frequently seem to find myself in these rather fucked up long distance relationships. My best friends usually live far away and I always seem to fall hardest for boys who are geographically unavailable. I don't know so much about the friends, but as for the guys, I wonder it if it has anything to do with my dad.

It's apparent that it has held to true to some extent, the cycle predicted to me since an early age that I would end up with a man like my father in attempts to repeat and correct the cycle that I could not as a child that is. I tend to fall for stoners; ngl, it just seems to happen despite my best attempts and childhood promises to myself that I never would I always seem to find them appealing somehow (whether I know at the time that they smoke or not). But then there's this whole geography thing. I mean, I only lived with my dad for what, 6 or 7 years before we moved and he only visited on weekends? Is that what this is about? Is that what I expect of a male relationship? Because in basic logic, that sounds incredibly stupid, I mean, come on now, I like distant stoners?! What a lovely description that is; I wonder if e-harmony has that category, eh? haha

There is one other very logical part to this: shear comfortability. To those of you who don't know me outside of school, I am terribly boy shy. I tend to babble, or be quiet, or just generally make an idiot out of myself; when it comes to guys I have zero confidence. I'm usually just preparing myself for their ridicule because somehow, that's just what I expect; anything else just confuses me. So to be in a relationship with someone far away is perfect for this. Technological barriers limit a sense of emotional connection and help me guard my heart. Not to mention the obvious convience of technology providing an excuse for not actually spending time with the person where I would a) be presented with expectations I would not know how to fill and b) probably blow it as result.

I don't know. The whole thing confuses me. It was just a thought.

jun10r year

I'm sitting in the library all alone because everyone else is gone for summer, so I thought, what a good time to reflect on the year that is now no more.

Here's some memories:

• Polo. Finding rides as the pool of non-driving juniors quickly evaporated. Finally getting to play for a change. Beating Catalina. Making new friends and chilling with old ones. The work outs are killer, but I love the way that in polo season, I have unity with girls that normally ignore me; and afterwords we all get along a little better.
• Football games. My first three. So much fun despite my very spazoid state of excitment. Can't wait til next year. (Hopefully I'll finally make it to a Homecoming, lol)
• Paying for the Back to School dance in quarters. That guy hated me so much. XD
• Boys. Lots of boys. Pratically a new one every week to the extent that I swear that Maria and Christina almost killed me. lol (Sorry ladies, but I love you for listening =)
• Giant Cookies! Discovering the bakery with Christina. Racing to make it in time Choral with our cookie remnants in hand one morning.
• Bus rides. Morning's with Gabby were so amazing; I so missed her when she left. I have a love/hate relationship with the bus. It's annoying to take and deal with immature freshman and the occassional child molester, but at the same time I love the sense of unity it has, the ability to people watch. I think I'm just fine to be done with it though, lol.
• English class. God that was amazing. Aside from pure visual enjoyment *winkwink*, in what other class can you get an A just for mentioning God a few times, or listen to Hayley Tamangi ask Mr. Micheletti to winter ball? We had a great group and some amazing afternoons. I'm goona miss that class so much. (BURDTTTT!!! hahaha, ily Kyra)
• Winter break. Having my mom set me up with Chaz at Christmas dinner and then stalking Calvin and making Twilight and Australia themed pizza's with Christina on New Years; simply epic.
• Twilight. Worst and funniest movie of my life. Can't go without mention.
• Early release days. Getting ice cream. Wandering to parks. Chagning shirts in bushes on sidewalks. Not caring where we were going because the only thing that mattered is that we were with our friends and we were free. I wish I could capture that feeling in a charm and wear it all the days of my life.
• FOB! Best concert of my life. Trying to co-ordinate everything was a nightmare, but it was so worth it (despite reeking of cheap beer for the next few days). I can't wait for the next one and for going to New Zealand with Christina to look for Jack, hehe.
• Canabera, Australia! hahaha, and all my other randomly amazing conversations with Joseph (and now Zoe too which makes me so happy =).
• Afternoons on the corner. Sometimes the only thing that helped me not kill myself all day (exageration for effect) was the thought of those 15 minutes aterschool with my friends, wondering who would be there today.
• Popular kid parties. Sounds trivial and so very Gossip Girl but I love it. It's taken me a long time to get where I am with the diverse group of friends that I do; and I so loving be friends with everyone and having that be okay. =)
• Staying up late. Last year it was all "bed by ten" and this year I stay up to three almost every other night. Exhausting but awesome to have the freedom to do so.

Overall, fabulous year. Thank you all for being in my life this year and helping me make it what it was (Christina, Maria, and Tierna especially). I love you all; especially those of you I got to know better this year-I'm so grateful to have had that opportunity. I hope you have great summers and I can't wait til next year =)

"Yesterday is a history, tomorrow a mystery."

Peril

No.
Stop.
Wait.
Don't.
Don't you dare.
Don't fall in love with me.
Please, I'm begging you.
Don't do it.
It isn't safe.
It isn't ok.
I'm broken.
I'm a jinx.
I'm going to mess it up.
I always mess it up.
Turn back now;
Before it's too late.
It's for your own good.
I'm going to hurt you.
Something will go wrong.
It's going to break my heart.
I'm going to get hurt.