Powerful

So I've been thinking lately, what is it that makes some one a whore? If you look it up in the dictionary it's a promiscuous or slovenly woman, usually a prostitute...but we use the term so loosely. Skank, whore, slut, sometimes they're even terms we lovingly call our friends. But how is insinuating that your friend sells her self for money a term of endearment exactly? I mean these words were once the lowest of the low in terms of insults, and now we throw them around like as if they were a common greeting. And the tricky thing about them is that sometimes, these words have a double meaning; it can be hard to tell if someone is joking.

So the question is, how do we define what makes someone a slut/skank/whore? Obviously, the dictionary definition is outdated at this point. I had this conversation with my mom the other day and she made the rather astute point that a skank is just someone of low moral/social class, a slut is someone who goes "sluttin' around" with a lot of people, and a whore is someone who "sluts around" only as it is beneficial to them. But then when I proposed the question as to how far one must go to deem these terms, it became difficult to receive and answer. (Partially because I think she began to get really suspicious that I had much more personal association with what she thought was an abstract conversation than she had realized at first.)

The reason I've been so curious is because I have been quite the victim of such name calling recently. It started with my friends joking around. Yeah I made out with Barbosa a lot and kind of publicly, haha, I'm a whore, very funny. But then someone wrote "So I hear you're slutty now" on my formspring, and I began to question my actions. Is that really what some people think of me? I mean I understand that I am a very sexualized person and I present a certain image, but by dictionary terms, I'm not a slovenly woman. And it's not so much worry what other people think of me as it is what this means for my own self perception.

I grew up with this rather male-modeled perception in my head of sex as power. Some one who sleeps with a lot of people is cool and powerful. My childhood cinematic role models taught me that being a sexy woman gives you this kind of power over men, and as I grew up and it became more real I learned just how intoxicating such power can be. (And you really can't factor love into any of this argument, because as far as I was, and somewhat still am concerned, sex and love are two different things. Though I believe they sometimes intermingle, let's just say they're oil and water for the sake of this post.)

So where is the line between being sexy and powerful and being a whore? Does "putting out" surrender ones power? Because the way I see it, if I want to hook up with so and so, it's my life and I have a right to do that, but at the same time, it's incredibly complicated to make these choices on a situational basis. Hooking up with random guys is a slutty thing to do; it cannot be justified because one "wanted to". I think the differentiation (or at least the conclusion I've made) is who holds the power. It's different in a relationship, but in terms of hooking up, the difference between the powerful woman and the slut is that sluts get taken advantage of. I can live with someone calling me a whore as long as I know I was in control of the situation - you don't get emotionally attached; you do things on your terms; you don't let any boy use you; and mostly, you own every choice that you make.

Having been on the receiving end though, I think I for one am going to be a lot more sensitive of the use of this term and try to be a lot less judgmental of the girls I might use it with. I don't have a question for you, the reader, or an answer really; it was just a little food for thought.

Breathe

Hey! Guess what? I'm okay.
Life's up, life's down, but I'm okay.
I thought I couldn't live without you, we've both moved on and I'm okay.
Alex and I are starting to be friends. Real, actual, just friends, and I'm okay.

Green-Eyed Girl

Around you, I have discovered, I become this person I don't want to be.

I'm petty and I'm jealous.
I can't stand watching other girls flirt with you,

even if they're my friends and I know nothing's going on,
even when we're they're sitting right next to their boyfriend of forever.

I really can't take it when it's the girls that I know are after you,

even if I know you hate them.

I can't handle it because they get to touch you and I don't.
I can't handle that we'll be in the same room and you will completely ignore me and talk to them. Though rumor has it that maybe your not flirting with me because you actually do like me, somehow, being ignored, it really doesn't feel that way.

I hate that we're at this place where we're friends, but we aren't really. I mean, to you we might be. You seem fine. But I can't handle it. Being around you is miserable for me - it only reminds me how much I like you.

(Hittin' My Head) Against the Wall

Life's frustrating right now.

My good friends keep asking me why the hell I'm with Alex. I mean, technically, I'm not with Alex, but I still want to be with Alex. Everyone always sees us together and assumes I'm with Alex. I'm still obsessed with Alex. I can't go five seconds without thinking about Alex. "He's the crazy one" they tell me when I tell them that he's made it clear he doesn't want me. Apparently I'm an awesome person and he doesn't deserve me if he's too stupid to see that, and I know this, but I can't help myself. It's like him not wanting me makes me want him even more. I have a feeling it's tied to some daddy issue of vying for affection. But, even so, it's more than that. Being with him would be convenient. I see him all the time anyway, I'm already comfortable with him. It just makes sense. My heart's been through too much this year. I don't want another boy. I don't want to have to start all over again when I've made it this far. I want to work it out. I want to move forward.

I've debated just telling him. Telling him that when I said I was cool with us just being friends I was lying. I was lying because I didn't feel like I had any other choice. I was thinking about asking him over today. But I don't think I will. I'm too chicken. I'm scared he'll say no. And knowing him, he won't really say no he'll come up with a nice non-no and me having to see him all the time will become this awkward torture for the both of us. And yet, having to see him already kills me inside, so isn't the chance that it could get better worth the risk of it getting worse?

And then there's this whole sex thing. I was talking with one of my friends about some stuff and she made it really apparent she's on some self-determined timeline that she has to lose it before high school's over. At first I was like, "Well I'm not quite in that much of a rush...", but aren't I? I mean, I go back and forth on this issue constantly, and I'm not on some timeline, I think that's stupid, but it's all I can think about lately. (Other then obsessing of Alex that is. It's a deadly depressing combination.) You see since I crashed my car I've been bad. Maybe not outwardly so, but I notice in moments that my depression's gotten worse. It's not like suicidal or anything, but it's like I can't feel anything anymore. It's pure apathy. I care about nothing. I feel nothing. The only moments that I actually feel alive are the one's that I'm "with" someone. So I think somewhere I've subliminally told myself that I want to have sex because I want to feel alive. I know I should care more about the whole virginity thing than I do (or so my Catholic education is constantly telling me), but I just don't. I'll probably change my mind again. I mean, it's not like I have any current geographically-available prospects. I don't know. I'm just in one of those places where my life's on stall. I'm due for some good though, so hopefully things will pick up soon.