mind aflutter

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be capable of true monogamy.

My gut instinct tells me no, of course not. It's not something I ever

believed in. Some idealized fantasy of simpler times. Completely impractical in the modern world.

Not only am I the kind of person who can never make a solid decision - always bouncing around, sometimes just pausing to revel in possibility - but I'm also the kind of person who doesn't let things go.

The few people I have truly liked have been incredibly difficult for me to get over. So difficult in fact, that it has scared me out of pursuing people of genuine interest (but that's another blog for another time).

I love Nathan, it's nothing like that, but yet...

sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to look into the familiar baby blues of my best friend without my heart melting, or talk on the phone to an almost without wondering about what might have been.

Someday it'd be nice to find out what it would be like to follow the butterflies.

Rainy Days Again

So, it's back. That god-awful claustrophobic feeling. The one that's like a million tiny electric insects crawling under your skin - you can't sit still. I warded it off for a while. Quite a while. Almost had forgotten it entirely. I occupied myself with other tasks, delighted in summer, captured the feeling of life.

But now, now I can't hide from it it seems. My life has become scheduled/rudimentary/structured/boring/normal again. I can't handle it. I was not designed to live the same day twice. I am not a person who does well with too much structure. I thought it was just everyone leaving me that was cause for the growing hole of darkness in my chest, but it seems this sinking feeling is back. The first sign of a new wave of depression.I find it almost every fall. I'm really trying to fight it off with all my might, but I don't know. I don't feel capable of handling all that is on my plate, and the weight of the responsibility is starting to make me feel trapped.

I really LOVE my life right now. I love my boyfriend. I love my job. I love my school. For once I can't wait to learn again, and I really don't want to lose this. I can't bear the thought off falling into the darkness, as I so often doing, and losing the feeling of things as they are. But at the same time, I'm not sure how to beat this slump. How do you fight the inevitable?

Am I? I often wonder. Am I one of the many victims of this "depression" they so often talk about. I've always told myself that the waves I go through were normal. My sense of personal responsibility nags me to fight my own battles and never surrender to any feat. But I mean, is it so wrong to want to always be happy? Is it that bad to go to a doctor and, when qualifiable of course, ask them to make you feel better? Something about it, be it the subconscious stigma placed on it by my mother or my ridiculous amount of egotistical pride tells me that medicating is for the weak, and yet, how nice would it be to not have to feel this hopeless way I find myself every so often? To never again face a suicidal thought inducing bout of depression?

I don't want to be one of those "Americans." The lazy, chicken shit stereotypes who don't face their own damn problems. The "quick-fix seekers," mere tools of a idealistic marketing strategy in a consumeristic society. Nor do I wish to be some medicated drone, dependent on a prescription to get her through the day, never truly feeling, because her feelings have been "stabilized." I want to be a responsible individual. I want to truly feel alive. But this possibility of a life where I don't constantly have to feel like I'm running from a dark cloud, always watching my back, looking for my next quick fix of sunshine just to keep my skies blue, it's tempting sometimes. Maybe I deserve to try something else - to stop and catch my breath.

Imma Be Me

Fuck them. Fuck them all. The stereotypes, the standards, the status quo. The ones who make me doubt. The negative voices that invade my peaceful reality. The ones who constantly tell me how relationships are a waist, that the material is my worth, and try to define the ideal. Those who induce questioning thoughts - hesitations that prevent me from my happiness. Screw everything that says I have to look like this, I have to behave like that. Forget everything always telling me how me, my life, my relationships should be. To hell with the cynics, the media, the nameless, faceless mean girls. Fuck them all.

I'm living. I'm happy. I will doubt no more.