Who was I to question our relationship? Why couldn't I shut up and be happy? How I didn't realize what I had until it was gone. How blessed I was to find someone who loved me so much. Someone who thought that I was beautiful and sweet and funny. Someone who saw the best parts of me, and the worst, and loved me all the same. Someone who made a broken girl feel whole for the first time in her life.
How blessed I was to find a boy so kind, and generous, and good. A gentleman. That guy that girls write cheesy myspace page decals about. A boy who inspired me to be a better person. The boy who did everything right.
I wonder if my mind has glorified our relationship in the retrospect. Because I do know there were struggles, hardships, unhappinesses. There was a reason that it ended. But in my brief time at college, I've made some mistakes. Mistakes that taught me that not everyone will appreciate me like Nathan did, or rather, lessons that rekindled a fear that perhaps no one else ever will.
The thing about Nathan, about our relationship, is that he will always be the guy I love(d) because he was "the good guy". He is the friendship that grew love. And it's funny, because growing up, I told myself that was always what I wanted - to find a best friend I could fall in love with, to spend my life with him. But at 18, my soul felt caged by the standard. I longed for something wild and free. I want to live a young life empassioned. But I've always been this vulnerable little girl when it came to romance. Looking for love is a dangerous quest. A road of a million rejections.
I want to be with Nathan, though I know I can't be now. But what if he isn't there when I go looking for him later?
First love is the first taste of water - from here on out there will always be thirst.
I've heard it's supposedly half of the length of the relationship...but that's silly. You should just the take the time you need, to figure out what you want.
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