the truth hurts

"You can't say things like that to people Katherine."

I can't?

I can't speak the truth?

How am I to deal with it myself if I can't even talk about it?

There's no shame in the past.

No shame in mistakes,

In not knowing better.

So why do I have to live in secret?

Why do I have to stay silenced?

Caged in a painful truth I cannot speak.

Why do I have to keep quiet, feeling like what happened to me is something shameful?

Because when you do things like this to me, you make me feel guilty.

Like I deserved it.

Like it was my fault.

Like even to this day I don't have freedom over my words,

Over my life.

I know that you're not doing it on purpose.

I know that for you this world is still real.

I know that if I want to protect the people I care about I can't say it out loud.

But I need to deal with it.

I need to admit it.

I need to move on.

If the world was righteous and just it would let me.

It would let me stand up, look someone in the eye and face my scars so they can heal.

It would let me tell a therapist that I have been physically and verbally abused to a point of permanent detriment.

That when I hear people yelling I start to panic.

That I don't like people touching me because it makes me nervous.

That the voices still live in my head telling me that I'm fat, and ugly, and that no one will ever love me.

I know why I have to keep words quiet but it just isn't fair.

I want to let go.

I want to be better.

I want to move on

It's like I'm still just making up stories,

Like I had to every time I got a black eye.

I don't want to be damaged goods anymore.

I want to be free and move past it.

But that's the thing about domestic violence, it feeds on secrecy.

It's a world of darkness, where once you're trapped it's almost impossible to even imagine the light.

It's a silent struggle they never suspect.

A battle you will never stop fighting.

A nightmare you can't wake up from.

gone

I wish we were friends.

Well, I wish we were more, but even just friends would be nice.

That I could ask you "what's up?".

That I knew what was going on in your life.

That we talked on the phone now and again, I could have you tell your mom I said hi.

I wish I could let you know when you were on my mind.
Little things remind me of you daily.

I wish I could ask you if you "remembered when" too.

I wish things were civil.

That we could laugh together.

I miss how it use to be between us.

But mostly I just miss you.

missing you again

I'm scared Nathan

scared there will never come a day I don't miss you

scared I'll never stop loving you

scared you'll forget me

scared that no matter how much I want it, I'll never love anyone as much as I love(d) you

scared I'm broken beyond repair this time

scared I'll never be whole again

:/

falling upwards

light up

let go

let the world fall away

let time pass you by, or not;

perhaps you'll choose to linger in it,

count the seconds,

make them last

release your inhibitions

let go of your inner sensors

disregard your fear of humiliation

just sit, think, be

let it in, the thoughts, the feelings

swim around in the haze of possibilities

let the world fall away

go with your instincts

feel each caress,

the beat of every song

the passion in every kiss

float away for a while

let the world fall away

let yourself fall upwards

float through purple clouds

June 1st

Dear ______,

As you know, today is the one year of the day we got together, and I thought I'd be a wreck, but you know what? I'm actually doing very well.

Naturally today, I've been thinking a lot about that day. Remember when you asked me to go out with you and I asked you what that meant cause I'd never gone out with anyone before and you defined it as my not being able to do "this" (and you kissed me) with anyone else? It sounded like the greatest idea I'd ever heard. Why, someone actually wanted to kiss me and just me? It was definitely one of the happiest days of my life and I know I will remember it as such as long as I live. And I thank you for that. :)

I realized though, that I did you wrong on New Years. I made you that promise to kiss you and only you and then I just shattered it (maybe after that month of us debating all the time whether to break up that was the universe somehow telling us things were over even before we knew it ourselves). I'm sorry for other things too. I'm sorry for the way things are between us now. I'm sorry for coming across as bipolar in the few times we've talked. I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you meant any less to me then you did. I'm sorry for not being able to ever really put into words how much you meant to me in the time that we were actually together.

I'm really excited, you know? To see you that is. I'm excited to talk to you. To have that conversation we've been putting off. To hopefully clear the air. To maybe even be friends again someday.

Cause you see I wasn't ready for that before. Not just the talking, but a lot of things. I had growing up to do. I think you forget how much you were ahead of me in life experience years when we met. I've spent the last six months in a tumultuous hurry to catch up. And I think I'm there now. I'm sure I've still got a lot to learn, but I think I can deal with it all now. My heart healed. I didn't think it would, but it did. I caught up to you. And I think I'm ready to face you, and to have you in my life again.

I do want to make one thing perfectly clear though. I will always love you cuddlebuddy. I will always think of us in that happy-sad kinda way. I will always have a tiny wonder of "what if". My heart will always be a little empty because a piece of it is yours. But more and more I find that love to have changed into that like one might feel for prized childhood possessions. That first fluffy stuffed animal you got. You look at it now, edges frayed, nose falling off, loved to full capacity. It's no longer what it was to you in daily life, but you still can't help but smile a little every time you see it. It's that feeling of being young, of safety, of familiarity, of comfort, of home.

And I'm writing this not only to you, a) because I've written you a thousand times already and b) because I never actually intend to show this to you. I'm more writing this hoping that somewhere out there, you're thinking of me today too. That to you, I am not forgotten. Through this I send peace and kindness in your direction by way of the universe. I hope it gets to you.

More than all of this, I'm writing this for every girl who will ever have a broken heart - I promise you, no matter how much it hurts, or how impossible it seems, the love was worth it. One day you will heal.