Oh why hello

Hey there blogosphere. I know I have a few loyal followers out there and for them I felt like I should write. I don't know that you'll be hearing for me for sometime after this, and I didn't want you to feel abandoned. (Considerate, aren't I? :P)

You see not only is it that it seems brilliant writing comes to us most easily in times of pain, which I have not been in a while and do not foresee in my future for some time, but also that there's something in me that doesn't feel the need to write anymore, almost doesn't want to.

I felt lost and scared in a world I didn't understand those seven years ago that I started this blog. 13 is a tough age. I felt alone in the world, and I really just wanted somebody, anybody, to listen. So I wrote. I wrote and I wrote and I typed out words intricately scrutinizing over the details every single time I felt sad or alone or maybe just contemplative. I poured my heart and soul into this blog, not with the goal of anyone I new ever seeing it, but just because knowing it was out there somewhere that someone just might find, that someone just might see, that someone might just understand me for even a millisecond - it made me feel not so alone.

And then there came the time of others knowing, of people I knew finding my words, commenting on them. And though I loved the thought of them listening, though I loved the kind complimentary words and the fact that someone besides me appreciated my writings as much as did; but it also made me feel quite a bit more naked than I was ready for. I have never been a strong secure person capable of independently standing on her own two feet, unafraid of what may come. Instead I've spent a life guided by others opinions, constantly frightened of someone watching. Living by another's opinions and moral code, constantly afraid of judgement or of letting those people who's words I lived by down in someway. This was a struggle for me in my writing. What if I wrote something wrong? They would see it. I would let them down. They might realize that maybe I'm not as brilliant as they think I am. How will I ever live up to the expectation I felt in their complimentary words? This began shape my writing. A constant battle with myself; scared to be honest, but trying to find courage. That was what my blog always was; I couldn't let people take that from me. I thank those people for reading. I thank them for their words. I thank them for helping me find the strength to be honest.

And then there was the last torturous epoch of months. Bless the hearts of those of you who stuck around because even I look back and feel like it was torturous. Months and months where I wasn't talking to Nathan, I wanted so very badly to talk to Nathan, but rather than grow a pair, scared of vulnerability and of rejection, I poured my heart into my blog. Everything I so desperately wanted to say to him I put here. Hoping oh so desperately he might find it, thinking him riddled with curiosity as I so desperately was of his life. (Of course I later learned he didn't dare look because he was terrified of what horrible things I was probably saying about him. Still hasn't probably. Oh contraire.)

I can't say I'll never be back, but it's definitely time for a little break. You see, I reached that point I was always dreaming of. Standing completely on my own two feet, the hell with the neigh sayers. My last semester basically took everything that could possibly go wrong to a person, shook it up and a bottle, and blew a lovely tornado of chaos my way. I'm pretty sure I made every wrong decision I possibly could've along the way. I also did so far to publicly which cost me gravely and taught me how easily it is to destroy a lifetimes worth of reputation. (And I'm so incredible grateful for that glorious mess. I don't think I have grown nearly as much in all my years as life demanded of me within just this last.) But now? Now I'm here, in this moment, living actively and responsibly.

We live in this world where it's so easy to become a slave to technology. Combine that with teenage insecurity and you've got this deadly need to always look cool and hip and good. To give and give and give of yourself just trying to keep up appearances. Just as much as people don't need to know my bad, they don't need to know my good either.

My life is mine. No one else's. It's not about trying be "in" with facebook "friends" I barely know. It's not about always having to be cool or perfect. It's not about giving so much of yourself to the world all the time. It's not about pouring your heart out online where anyone can see. Live it for you. Let the special people in and screw the rest of them. And if people want to know something about you, let them ask. Don't make it so easy for people to get so much of you. Make them work for it. Because you deserve it. You are a truly unique, wonderful, special human being. You deserve the moon. And more than that, you certainly deserve people in your life who have to work to be in it. Your friendship, your heart, your story - it's a prize. Don't give it away. Save it for those who will treat it as such and who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. All of us are worthy of and deserving of that. Remember it.

So as for now, I'm back at school and loving it. I've got purple hair. I've got a great job and a really amazing guy and wonderful friends and things are good. That boy I was so heartbroken about? Out of my life at his choice, and I'm feeling all the better for it. I'm sober. I'm happy. Everyday is a new challenge and for once that doesn't scare me, it makes me hungry to meet it. It's life and it's crazy and mixed up and a beautiful mess and I love it. I wouldn't change a thing, past or present.

And as for you my lovelies, thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you for withholding judgement. Thank you for encouraging comments. Thank you for putting up with the full and total insanity that is Katherine Elizabeth Stevens and sticking around anyway. Whether it continues or not, thank you for taking this journey with me. Few are blessed with something as precious as the blog experience has been for me and I'm so grateful for it. I hope you are fortunate enough to find such kindness and wonder in your own future travels.

And don't forget, never be afraid to be who you are; settle for nothing less than you deserve - no matter what.

xo

Dependency

It makes me a little sad, this...

That I don't know how to function without some pill.

Just of a shell of a person anymore. I can't even "be" without some chemical telling me how.

Keeping me awake, keeping me focused, keeping me happy, keeping me "sane".

That I don't know how to have sex without feeling miserable after.

It had meaning once, but fuck it now. Pointless really. Even when they care I just feel used and hurt. Like love almost makes it worse. I'd rather you not know my name, or be sweet, or let me give a fuck about you. It's easier to focus on the physical act that way. Far less likely to ensue messy feelings.

That I can't eat anymore. Because between the pills and the upset I can't keep anything down. Funny how I'm starving to death and all I hear is "you look good" "keep it up" "you could loose five more pounds". Caring. Considerate. Good to know I have people looking out for my well-being.

That I find myself with nothing but fair-weather friends.

That I find myself building a life, building memories, building relationships only to have them all torn down and have to start all over again.

That the thing I've always been best at is self destruction.

So watch me burn baby. It's going to be a glorious sight.