That I don't know how to function without some pill.
Just of a shell of a person anymore. I can't even "be" without some chemical telling me how.
Keeping me awake, keeping me focused, keeping me happy, keeping me "sane".
That I don't know how to have sex without feeling miserable after.
It had meaning once, but fuck it now. Pointless really. Even when they care I just feel used and hurt. Like love almost makes it worse. I'd rather you not know my name, or be sweet, or let me give a fuck about you. It's easier to focus on the physical act that way. Far less likely to ensue messy feelings.
That I can't eat anymore. Because between the pills and the upset I can't keep anything down. Funny how I'm starving to death and all I hear is "you look good" "keep it up" "you could loose five more pounds". Caring. Considerate. Good to know I have people looking out for my well-being.
That I find myself with nothing but fair-weather friends.
That I find myself building a life, building memories, building relationships only to have them all torn down and have to start all over again.
That the thing I've always been best at is self destruction.
So watch me burn baby. It's going to be a glorious sight.
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