Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A look back...

So, I'm sitting here reading my old blogs from senior year. How very much I have changed since then. The magnitude of daily drama seems so distant and trivial now. Some of the things that were once such a big deal I now don't even recall.

Those few months before college my writing makes a sharp difference - I lost my sense of wonder. Everything use to be so grandiose and full of promise, then, suddenly, it was like my writing lost it's innocence. Makes me sad. I had something great there. I think I'd like to try and bring a little innocent wonder back into my life.

So much else has changed too. So much is better. It's like all that shit I went through doesn't even matter because I survived it. I'm in college. I live on my own in a beautiful apartment where there is no yelling and no stress. My relationship with my mom is so incredibly different. In fact, she's probably one of my best friends. I call her for advice, opinion, and sometimes just to talk. I'm still not so lucky in love. I still go through those cycles of restlessness, though I now know it to be depression which I cope with. There's still doubt, there's still scars. But good God, it's so much better. Any teenager out there struggling right now, it's cliche, but it's true what they say, everything's a million times bigger right now. Life begins after high school. And it's wonderful.

I'm so incredibly grateful for this blog. The good and bad writings, the fact that I kept it up all these years. How wonderful it is to be able to look back on your life and remember exactly how you felt in that moment.

And mostly, not to brag or anything, but I am one goddamn fabulous writer. ;)

xo

Friday, February 17, 2012

A Song of Two Humans

Maybe it's that it's 5 a.m. or maybe I'm just a crazy film major, but I had this image just now. That scene, from "Sunrise." The one where he finally catches up with his wife. She stares up at him in trembling horror. So innocent. He's tall figure next to her petite frame instinctually foreboding. He tries his best to appear small. He does not mean to frighten, or overwhelm. Only to express himself. To ask for a chance.

Don't be afraid of me. The line from the film flashes. And I see it in my mind like I see your face.

Please don't run. Please don't be afraid because I like you and I can't keep it to myself anymore. I get that natural instinct might be telling you to run from my seemingly foreboding feelings. I can see the terror in your eyes, and in the way you safeguard your heart. But please, give me a chance. Please don't run from me because I like you. Please don't turn cold because I momentarily let it show that I care. I don't know how to be any less, but I also do not expect you to know how to be anymore.

Who I am is an affectionate person. I like terms of endearment and kissing your cheek. I want you to know that you're appreciated. It's not some expectation. This isn't an entrapment. There is no catch. I promise to never tell you one thing and mean another. You don't even have to reciprocate. But when I have somebody in my life like I've got you right now, I don't know how to turn off that care giver instinct. I'm going to bake you cupcakes and kiss you sweetly and ask you how you're day is going with genuine concern. It's who I am. Please don't run from it. All I'm asking for is a chance. I know you want it. I can see it in your eyes.

Let yourself feel. Let yourself be loved. Don't run from it. Don't run from me. I promise I won't hurt you. And should you hurt me, I promise I won't break.

Give me a chance. Give us a chance.

Don't be afraid of me.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

my biological clock is ticking (and other trivial concerns)

It's crazy to think how very much I feel like a failure at just 19. It's just, I thought I'd have done so much more by now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life. I'm proud of the person I am and the growth I've made. But sometimes I can't help but look around at peers (fictitious or otherwise) and feel a little lost. So many of them have this great incredible lives and fabulous resumes and are right on track for their dream job. I don't know anyone important. I've never interned anywhere. Hell I can't even use the dishwasher bro.

And then there's that other thing. How incredibly much I want children. It's probably a little weird at this age even (though in my conversations with my friend Nate who already has both of his kids named and their futures planned I can at least take solace in knowing I'm not alone). I mean, I'm 19. My mother was married at my age. I, on the other hand, have only ever been in one real relationship. (Hopefully two here soon..fingers crossed.) I've never been out of the country. I've got a little under four more years of school before I can be living that independent adult single life I crave as a part in my story. And yet, by 30 I'd like to be married with kids. ...Do you see what that means? That means I have less then a decade to live out my complete single life and fulfill all desires of independence for a life time, date everyone I'm ever going to date, find my soul mate, know him long enough and well enough to marry (and I imagine I could get tricked by a frog or two along the way which could mean as much as years of my life wasted), AND successfully manage to have my dream wedding and enjoy some years of marital bliss to ourselves before popping out a few babies. Not to mention all the decisions that come along the way and things like buying a home, earning financial stability, starting a college fund, etc. Do you have any idea what an IMMENSE amount of pressure that is? For those with you that have been with me a while you realize my first kiss was not even two years ago. In many ways I have grown up way too quickly and in many ways I still have so much more growing up to do. Suddenly it's like all the time is this ticking clock reminding me of the count down. I keep dreaming of a golden-haired little girl (don't even get me started on how my current relationship makes this a genetic impossibility #moreissues).

I want it. I want it so bad. This kids. The husband. The white picket fence and family Volvo. But it's so rare in the first place and I already feel so terribly far behind. What if I never get a family? What if that voice in my head telling me I'm unloved and no one will ever want me is right? What if I never get my fairytale ending? Now that it's my everything, the one thing I want most in life. What if it isn't out there for me?

I try so hard. I do. I love so much. I have so much love to give. I want so badly to be loved.

Please don't make me spend my life alone.