It's crazy to think how very much I feel like a failure at just 19. It's just, I thought I'd have done so much
more by now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life. I'm proud of the person I am and the growth I've made. But sometimes I can't help but look around at peers (fictitious or otherwise) and feel a little lost. So many of them have this great incredible lives and fabulous resumes and are right on track for their dream job. I don't know anyone important. I've never interned anywhere. Hell I can't even use the dishwasher bro.
And then there's that other thing. How incredibly much I want children. It's probably a little weird at this age even (though in my conversations with my friend Nate who already has both of his kids named and their futures planned I can at least take solace in knowing I'm not alone). I mean, I'm 19. My mother was married at my age. I, on the other hand, have only ever been in one real relationship. (Hopefully two here soon..fingers crossed.) I've never been out of the country. I've got a little under four more years of school before I can be living that independent adult single life I crave as a part in my story. And yet, by 30 I'd like to be married with kids. ...Do you see what that means? That means I have less then a decade to live out my complete single life and fulfill all desires of independence for a life time, date everyone I'm ever going to date, find my soul mate, know him long enough and well enough to marry (and I imagine I could get tricked by a frog or two along the way which could mean as much as years of my life wasted), AND successfully manage to have my dream wedding and enjoy some years of marital bliss to ourselves before popping out a few babies. Not to mention all the decisions that come along the way and things like buying a home, earning financial stability, starting a college fund, etc. Do you have any idea what an IMMENSE amount of pressure that is? For those with you that have been with me a while you realize my first kiss was not even two years ago. In many ways I have grown up way too quickly and in many ways I still have so much more growing up to do. Suddenly it's like all the time is this ticking clock reminding me of the count down. I keep dreaming of a golden-haired little girl (don't even get me started on how my current relationship makes this a genetic impossibility #moreissues).
I want it. I want it so bad. This kids. The husband. The white picket fence and family Volvo. But it's so rare in the first place and I already feel so terribly far behind. What if I never get a family? What if that voice in my head telling me I'm unloved and no one will ever want me is right? What if I never get my fairytale ending? Now that it's my everything, the one thing I want most in life. What if it isn't out there for me?
I try so hard. I do. I love so much. I have so much love to give. I want so badly to be loved.
Please don't make me spend my life alone.