Internet Boy

Well none of my friends are picking up their phones, so I thought I'd blog, because writing always helps me think better when my head is jumbled. And though I could just write this and save it on some random file in my computer, blogging makes it feel like someone's actually listen (though the fear of who might be listening means I probably won't post this). So here goes, no specifics, just thoughts.

I didn't expect to like him. He isn't my type. It doesn't make sense. My friends would shutter. I think I worry too much what they think.

I like him. Well, I think I like him. How do any of us ever really know if we like anyone? I've always been confused by that. But I think I do. I like talking to him. I get excited from his text messages. I miss him when he's gone. I think about him all the time. I literally plied out of bed this morning...literally, plied...as in ballet...it was ridiculous. I can't stop smiling all week thinking about him and my head is just constantly spinning...That means I like him, right?

But I feel skeptical of it all. I don't feel something that I've felt with others. Desire dare I say? It isn't as he makes me drool or anything (gross image, sorry bout that). But then again, does that matter? Does what someone looks like really matter? "Yes!" every fiber of my being screams in a shallow undertone; but I really don't know.

When he's gone, doubt creeps in. I laugh at myself. What am I thinking? This is crazy! One should not want to rush home to talk to a screen. I'm beginning to feel like that girl from the retreat. At the time, her story seemed trivial. Seriously, who would get so worked up over some internet boy? But now, I have a feeling karma has come to bite me in the ass. I was meant to hear that story. Perhaps it was a warning. Perhaps I should've listen more instead of just absent-mindedly stuffing my face full of goldfish.

And then there's the whole visit thing. I'm finding myself a tad petrified. I don't know if I can handle this, I mean, it's seriously freaking me out. Most people would say that if something feels wrong, you shouldn't do it, but that's just the thing, everything feels wrong to me. My gut is naturally evasive to love due to my lack of exposure to it, and this evasiveness only further limits my exposure; cruel cycle eh? Anyway, focus Katherine, so next week, I is afraid. I'm worried I won't be what you expect, or you won't be what I expect, or I'll fuck things up again like I did with Kiefer. I'm hoping having Christina there will help; she knows how to keep me sane. But then again, what if I attach myself to her as I often do at school? That would be awkward.

I know, I over-think everything. It sucks. I hate it. I wish I could just turn it off and just feel. Just want something and go for it with no hesitations. I think that's what I really like most about you, you're so comfortable with yourself. You don't care what anyone things, you just are. It's so amazingly...dare I say sexy? I feel incredibly awkward using that word on the internet where someone might see.

I think that's part of my problem. I'm afraid of relationships, a lot of it cause I'm scared of messing them up and of getting hurt. Which, let's face it, at 16, there is inevitably going to be heartbreak. Not to mention something about them feels wrong. The way my mom talks about girls with boyfriends makes me feel like a bad person for wanting one. Though I rationally understand that her logic is warped, on some level, I've absorbed it, and it makes having feelings for anyone more complicated because somewhere deep inside, I am morally conflicted on a very primal level.