Hold on to your hats readers, because for once, I am facing a legitimately new problem! *gasp* (In case you hadn't notice I just ate like a shitload of Twizzlers and I'm bouncing off the fucking walls on an epic sugar high rite about now).

For the first time in a couple months, I don't have a guy I'm crushing on at the moment. As of today, I have survived a week without internet boy. And while I still miss him like crazy, I feel myself getting a little stronger each day. For once, I got my heart battered and didn't feel the need to immediately rush into someone else's arms. I'm not feeling the need to "fill the void" like I usually do when this stuff happens. I feel like I'm adequately over it (which for the record, would normally not happen in a week, but I'd sensed we were ending a while ago and have sort of been preparing myself ever since); or over it enough to start a new relationship at least. And yet, I don't really want one. I like being single. I like being able to flirt with anyone and know that my options are unlimited. It's liberating and exciting.

The downside of single is that I find myself getting bored. I miss that outlet of teenage hormones that is "talking to" a guy. I'm not really feeling the need to try and start anything (lord knows I am sick and tired of getting emotionally invested in things that don't pan out; hell, you're probably tired just reading about all of it), and yet "dating around" feels a little too loose for someone of my minimal experience. The girl who always just wanted a boyfriend is now actually seeking a casual open relationship. Someone to text and hang out with and have fun with, without the drama and the labels. Think about it: you go out, have fun, do what you want, chat it up with whomever, and yet you know you've got that ego-boost of a backup person to chill with later. No drama, minimal emotional attachments, just fun. Right about now I'm going through a phase where I like fun.

So... I asked out one of my guy friends today. He's cute and stuff and he's asked me out before but I turned him down cause I was stuck in that "relationship" state of mind and I just don't see that happening with him. But anyway, we're gonna hang sometime this week. Nice, casual, no strings. Should be fun.

I'm not getting my hopes up too much given my recent track record, but I'll keep ya posted ;)

The Anatomy of a First Kiss

So I'm reading this book today called The Anatomy of a Boyfriend that my friend Hedieh lent me. It's rather smut-tastic. I relate to the main character's plight as she frets over this boy and as they go through their relationship. I can see what she's doing wrong even before she realizes it. I'm thoroughly enjoying the story. The only problem is that I can't seem to shake the thought of how much I wish I knew what it was like to kiss someone. I know this is a weird and trivial concern, especially among everything going on in my life right now, but the main guy in the story, Wes, explained how he'd never had any physical girl experience and how that lack of previous experience only leaves him scared and unprepared when he has future opportunities (if that makes any sense) and I just totally related.

Up until that point in the book, I felt like I had lived the story. The cute meeting, the witty banter, the getting to know each other - I've done that dozens of times. But the thing is, when I get to the part where they expect me to make a move, I have absolutely no idea what to do. Naturally, they don't know this, and the other party usually perceives this as me not liking them. The budding romance is then murderously stabbed to death like a rose chopped from the bush brutally with dull rusty scissors (or something to that effect).

Watching (or reading as the case may be) these two fictitious characters work through that awkward moment and then how the relationship took off from there made me really sad thinking of all the amazing Wes-like guys I could've had if we'd just made it through that moment. But it's like that's always the part where I get stuck. I mean, obviously I know that basically we put are mouths together and that is the structure by which it works, but aside from that I am completely clueless. I didn't exactly have friends in seventh grade when that kinda stuff was the girl gossip, ya know? I've always just kind of tried to maintain the attitude that it will happen when it happens (because it's when people try to force these things that the horror-stories come about). I guess I'm just getting impatient. It's like this big giant secret that the whole world is in on but me. I just hope that someday soon, the right guy and the right opportunity will come about so that I can solve that little mystery and stop obsessing.

Charlie Chaplin would be proud

I think one of my greatest skills is the way that it's the times I'm in the most pain that I make the most of my life. The greater the pain, the happier I am. Because I know that if I pretend to be happy, it might eventually come true. And that if I let that pain in, if only for an instant, I may never get control again.

Happened today. I did so much better than I thought I would. Day #1 without him. 10 months of constant communication left me terrified whether or not I could make it just a day without. But I did. I fought the pain with all my might and in the end, I won. I had a good day, and I was actually really happy for a minute or two.

But then I let it in. I re-read our last letter. Checked his blog to see if he'd posted some message about what a horrible person I am yet. And now, I feel like I can't breathe.

It's really scary to have no one. I don't know when I became so dependent on men. I guess I always have been, I just didn't realize it. I went from being a daddy's girl, to dependent on my best friend, to one crush after another without ever just being independent of male attention.
I'm making a few changes in honor of Lent. I'm giving up simple carbs and reducing my dairy. I'm taking up running on a daily basis again. I'm going to make an effort to do better in school, and at home, and to serve my community more.

I wrote this rather self-hating post a few weeks back (which I deleted shortly afterwords). I think it really made me acknowledge some things, and realize I have a lot of work to do before I can successfully face the big bad world.

I'm making a commitment tomorrow. To the universe (I'm not particularly theistic), to myself, and to you few readers out there. For the next 40 days, I'm going to try to not be so afraid of things. I will not be afraid of failure, or more importantly, success. I am going to give life my all, stand on my own two feet, and have faith that even if I get knocked down, I am strong enough to get back up again.

The Truth of the Matter

I know you have some great belief that you and I were meant to be.

That we will be together forever.

I hate to break it to you, but this is not true.

In fact it is impossible.

In two years,

in five years,

in ten years,

even physically together,
we will not remain the same people and things will not be the same.

It doesn't mean I don't love you,

It doesn't mean I don't value the time we share.

It just means that sometimes I think you forget your reality.


I hate to have to be the cynic in this relationship,

(and you the romantic, my what a gender-role-reversal)

But I grew up in a house where love was not a reality.

You will be the first.

But you will not be the only.