I think one of my greatest skills is the way that it's the times I'm in the most pain that I make the most of my life. The greater the pain, the happier I am. Because I know that if I pretend to be happy, it might eventually come true. And that if I let that pain in, if only for an instant, I may never get control again.
Happened today. I did so much better than I thought I would. Day #1 without him. 10 months of constant communication left me terrified whether or not I could make it just a day without. But I did. I fought the pain with all my might and in the end, I won. I had a good day, and I was actually really happy for a minute or two.
But then I let it in. I re-read our last letter. Checked his blog to see if he'd posted some message about what a horrible person I am yet. And now, I feel like I can't breathe.
It's really scary to have no one. I don't know when I became so dependent on men. I guess I always have been, I just didn't realize it. I went from being a daddy's girl, to dependent on my best friend, to one crush after another without ever just being independent of male attention.
I'm making a few changes in honor of Lent. I'm giving up simple carbs and reducing my dairy. I'm taking up running on a daily basis again. I'm going to make an effort to do better in school, and at home, and to serve my community more.
I wrote this rather self-hating post a few weeks back (which I deleted shortly afterwords). I think it really made me acknowledge some things, and realize I have a lot of work to do before I can successfully face the big bad world.
I'm making a commitment tomorrow. To the universe (I'm not particularly theistic), to myself, and to you few readers out there. For the next 40 days, I'm going to try to not be so afraid of things. I will not be afraid of failure, or more importantly, success. I am going to give life my all, stand on my own two feet, and have faith that even if I get knocked down, I am strong enough to get back up again.
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