Wanting something you can't have is probably the most frustrating thing in the world. You'd think I'd've learned by now, but it's quite the opposite actually. I've never been good at not getting my way.
It's sort of my problem with Alex right now. Whenever things start picking up with him, they get slammed to a screeching halt. For every two steps we've taken forward it's always four steps back.
Things started really good. It seemed to be going somewhere. Everyone told me it was going somewhere. (But then part of our problem is always our relationship being based on what I'm hearing from other people because he'll never just talk to me.) Then suddenly he tells me that he can't do the whole "monogamous relationship" thing. Not quite the ideal, but alright, cool. That seemed to make sense considering we'd both be parting ways in a few months anyway. And yet a few weeks later when we finally got to talk about it (or text actually cause we could never manage to actually have the conversation in person) and I offer him free range on whatever he wants this to be, he tells me he just wants to be friends.
Now this seemed to be fine and dandy. I mean, I didn't like him that much to begin with, that was the point of this, right? ...But then prom roles around. The secrecy thing was hard. The watching the slutface that is supposedly my friend all over him like she always is just because she knows she can be was not so fun. Overall I think we had a good time, but the entire night he was giving me mixed messages. One second he's pulling me closer and the next he's pushing my hand away. Later when we're all playing hide and seek (your partner was your date of course) him and I ended up taking a nap in a sand trap (oddly foiling our first date) and we're having another one of those "straight from teen novel" moments like we do talking abstractly about life and stuff, when he starts telling me about the girls he was debating between asking to prom. I really shouldn't be offended, but knowing that I hadn't even been one of the people he was thinking of asking when we had been dating up til the week before kind of hurt.
I'd known it before, but I think that was the moment that it hit me that I didn't want to be just friends with this person. That I really like him.
And I know that there's nothing I can do now. Now that we're in the "friends zone", but I can't help it. Every time I see him all I can think about is kissing him again. I made the mistake of giving him a hug today, his scent is still haunting me. I think I'm so glad that any of the guys I've really liked live a billion miles away, because wanting some one so much knowing full and well you can't have them and having to see them every day is I think on of the most miserable experiences I've yet to encounter.
I really don't know what I'm going to do and it's making me crazy. One minute he's completely ignoring me and the next he's completely flirting. Part of me wants to hit him, part of me wants to jump him, and all of me just wants to know what's going on.
Oh, and on an ironic note, the morning after prom my mom was asking about him. She said he was "such a nice boy"; why wasn't I dating him? Alas, if only she knew...
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
007
I feel like I should blog about prom. It was an important experience in my life (so I've been told) and I do tend to recount those here. Though I hate the thought of forced writing. Me telling you stories can't possibly be fun to read. But it's senior ditch day and I don't feel like studying so...
So Saturday night. People came over, my mom and I argued about my hair, we took pictures, we found out you can fit exactly 16 people in my shower (though not very comfortably). The party bus got here, we got on, signed a waiver, broke a glass (and all yelled "Opa!" in honor of Maria), and Nate swung from the ceiling poles. We got to the prom, ate some crap chicken, took a giant group picture, danced, and the girls took a few cumulative trips to the bathroom. It was over much to quickly for the amount of work that went into it. We danced the whole way home.
Back at my place we played a midnight game of hide and seek on the golf course. Quite a site it must've been to see roughly 20 teenagers running around in semi-prom attire. You're partner was your date. Alex and I ended up taking a nap in a sand trap. Starring up at the sky, it was oddly parallel to our first date, but it was definately different this time. He's just so hot and cold and it's the most frustrating thing ever. Every time I think we take a step forward, we take two steps back. He told me (or correction, texted) that he just wants to be friends, but then I hear he's bitching to his friends about how it was too weird to ask me to prom. I thought he was having a good time dancing with me, but it was like one minute he was pulling me closer and the next he'd be pulling his hand away if I'd try to hold it. And then we're laying there talking and he starts telling me about the two girls he'd been debating between asking to prom. Like, um, hello? Hi, I'm the girl you just went to prom with. You're well aware I have a rather large crush on you. Thanks so much for letting me know you weren't even thinking of going with me. On the bright side it's good to know that when I asked him it "took the pressure off" cause he didn't have to think about it any more. Well, whew, glad I was here to make you're life easier for you buddy boy. But you know, on the other hand, it's making me glad I'm not really friends with any of these "almosts" I've had. It hurts way to much to spend every second your with someone desperately wanting to kiss them all while knowing there busy thinking of someone else.
It was extra awkward cause the next morning my mom was asking me about him. Like "Why don't you like him Katherine? He was cute and very polite. Is he a smart boy? He seemed nice." xD
So Saturday night. People came over, my mom and I argued about my hair, we took pictures, we found out you can fit exactly 16 people in my shower (though not very comfortably). The party bus got here, we got on, signed a waiver, broke a glass (and all yelled "Opa!" in honor of Maria), and Nate swung from the ceiling poles. We got to the prom, ate some crap chicken, took a giant group picture, danced, and the girls took a few cumulative trips to the bathroom. It was over much to quickly for the amount of work that went into it. We danced the whole way home.
Back at my place we played a midnight game of hide and seek on the golf course. Quite a site it must've been to see roughly 20 teenagers running around in semi-prom attire. You're partner was your date. Alex and I ended up taking a nap in a sand trap. Starring up at the sky, it was oddly parallel to our first date, but it was definately different this time. He's just so hot and cold and it's the most frustrating thing ever. Every time I think we take a step forward, we take two steps back. He told me (or correction, texted) that he just wants to be friends, but then I hear he's bitching to his friends about how it was too weird to ask me to prom. I thought he was having a good time dancing with me, but it was like one minute he was pulling me closer and the next he'd be pulling his hand away if I'd try to hold it. And then we're laying there talking and he starts telling me about the two girls he'd been debating between asking to prom. Like, um, hello? Hi, I'm the girl you just went to prom with. You're well aware I have a rather large crush on you. Thanks so much for letting me know you weren't even thinking of going with me. On the bright side it's good to know that when I asked him it "took the pressure off" cause he didn't have to think about it any more. Well, whew, glad I was here to make you're life easier for you buddy boy. But you know, on the other hand, it's making me glad I'm not really friends with any of these "almosts" I've had. It hurts way to much to spend every second your with someone desperately wanting to kiss them all while knowing there busy thinking of someone else.
It was extra awkward cause the next morning my mom was asking me about him. Like "Why don't you like him Katherine? He was cute and very polite. Is he a smart boy? He seemed nice." xD
Monday, April 12, 2010
Headaches
You know the kind
They start out as inklings in the back of your mind - like my memories of you
Faint once, they grow stronger
More than just a little annoyance
It's a power that corrupts
The kind of pain that radiates right down to your toes
They leave you in agony
You want to carve it out
Screw your existence, your well-being
You feel hollow; you want to be hollow - to dig out the pain
The good, the bad
The pain, the memories
You just want it out
They start out as inklings in the back of your mind - like my memories of you
Faint once, they grow stronger
More than just a little annoyance
It's a power that corrupts
The kind of pain that radiates right down to your toes
They leave you in agony
You want to carve it out
Screw your existence, your well-being
You feel hollow; you want to be hollow - to dig out the pain
You long to scrape it from your very eyeballs
Nothing matters anymoreThe good, the bad
The pain, the memories
You just want it out
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Pedestal
"More, more," cried the boy.
"But why?" I groaned in reply.
"Because," he insisted, pouting.
"But I have already given so much," I begrudgingly reminded, "why can you not just be happy with what is?"
"Because you are my everything," the boy replied smiling with a simplistically definitive tone.
"But that is an obligation for which I did not ask," I protested.
"But, my little siren, it is so," he said with a growing, almost menacing grin.
I felt my face heat with guilt that was not rightfully my own. "But I did not ask to lure you here. Any rocks cast upon you, you have cast upon yourself," my voice dwindled before trailing, "...but I told you not to fall in love with me..."
Without even looking up from his toys he replied, "but you are Eve, taunting me with your sweet fruits, now I am your burden to bear."
"But can gratitude not be enough to repay your affections, especially when affection is idolized for it's freely given rights?" I asked, feeling trapped and confused.
"No," he smirked, "you are my heart, my soul, my conscience. You are my everything. I give you my everything. There. It is yours." He smashed his fist into the floor like a kamikaze pilot, laughing.
"But who am I too be responsible for all that is you?," I questioned, sweat trickling my brow, my conscious beginning to feel the stress of his life's weight.
"You are my everything," he smiled, and for a moment, I believed him.
"But why?" I groaned in reply.
"Because," he insisted, pouting.
"But I have already given so much," I begrudgingly reminded, "why can you not just be happy with what is?"
"Because you are my everything," the boy replied smiling with a simplistically definitive tone.
"But that is an obligation for which I did not ask," I protested.
"But, my little siren, it is so," he said with a growing, almost menacing grin.
I felt my face heat with guilt that was not rightfully my own. "But I did not ask to lure you here. Any rocks cast upon you, you have cast upon yourself," my voice dwindled before trailing, "...but I told you not to fall in love with me..."
Without even looking up from his toys he replied, "but you are Eve, taunting me with your sweet fruits, now I am your burden to bear."
"But can gratitude not be enough to repay your affections, especially when affection is idolized for it's freely given rights?" I asked, feeling trapped and confused.
"No," he smirked, "you are my heart, my soul, my conscience. You are my everything. I give you my everything. There. It is yours." He smashed his fist into the floor like a kamikaze pilot, laughing.
"But who am I too be responsible for all that is you?," I questioned, sweat trickling my brow, my conscious beginning to feel the stress of his life's weight.
"You are my everything," he smiled, and for a moment, I believed him.
Sirenum
Sing little siren,
your songs of sweet sorrow,
the hours you've spent preparing for this moment,
crafting the illusion of a goddess.
Flutter your eyelashes little siren,
flash a smile brighter than a lighthouse,
grant the passerby a false sense of security,
draw the ship in closer.
Sing softer little siren,
leave them hanging on your whispers,
reach out to them,
pretend as though you want them so.
Play your game little siren,
watch the boys come closer now,
don't stop luring til they're crashing,
til their hearts lay mangled and broken on the rocks.
Laugh lightly little siren,
your jaded heart takes cynical joy in the demise of innocents,
somewhere inside you know that you are ugly,
but you'll pride yourself on how well you can pretend to be beautiful.
your songs of sweet sorrow,
the hours you've spent preparing for this moment,
crafting the illusion of a goddess.
Flutter your eyelashes little siren,
flash a smile brighter than a lighthouse,
grant the passerby a false sense of security,
draw the ship in closer.
Sing softer little siren,
leave them hanging on your whispers,
reach out to them,
pretend as though you want them so.
Play your game little siren,
watch the boys come closer now,
don't stop luring til they're crashing,
til their hearts lay mangled and broken on the rocks.
Laugh lightly little siren,
your jaded heart takes cynical joy in the demise of innocents,
somewhere inside you know that you are ugly,
but you'll pride yourself on how well you can pretend to be beautiful.
Snow Patrol and Catch-22's
So I'm lying on the porch swing in my backyard in the pouring rain listening to Snow Patrol letting my imagination wander when all of the sudden I just imagined internet boy was there. And I started thinking about him, about us, about lately.
Doesn't he know he's not the only one hurting? He writes these things about me in his blog, it almost seems like he's checking to see if I pay attention. But I just don't understand; how can he not get that I miss him too?
So many times, I've wanted to call him. On the side of the road after I smashed my car, I was just standing there, shaking, choking down tears - I couldn't think of anyone's voice I'd rather hear; but I resisted.
But as much as I want to be his friend, we're caught in a catch-22 here. I can't be just friends with him, but I can't be more.
He and I don't work. We both agreed. He was always a bit idealistic about it, but it's the truth. We're going to grow into two very different people. Even if we had any geographic hope, our lives, our dreams, our destinies, they're just too different. And continuing on though I know that defeat is inevitable - a hurt like that my heart can't bear.
Since he's been gone, I'm really trying to learn to stand on my own. And it's really important to me that I learn to do that. Talking to him, it's too easy to fish for compliments and let him boost my ego. It's too tempting to allow my self-esteem to rely on his lust. I need to sort out myself before I let anyone in, especially him.
So internet boy, when I told you I wasn't ready to be bffies anytime soon, it wasn't you and it wasn't me being a bitch. I can't be your friend, because I still love you too much. I'm not sure it will ever go away; but I know that as long as I do it's too easy to slip back into old patterns. "I don't know where, and I don't know how, but it will always be the same between you and me." And until the day comes that it's not, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be your friend.
Doesn't he know he's not the only one hurting? He writes these things about me in his blog, it almost seems like he's checking to see if I pay attention. But I just don't understand; how can he not get that I miss him too?
So many times, I've wanted to call him. On the side of the road after I smashed my car, I was just standing there, shaking, choking down tears - I couldn't think of anyone's voice I'd rather hear; but I resisted.
But as much as I want to be his friend, we're caught in a catch-22 here. I can't be just friends with him, but I can't be more.
He and I don't work. We both agreed. He was always a bit idealistic about it, but it's the truth. We're going to grow into two very different people. Even if we had any geographic hope, our lives, our dreams, our destinies, they're just too different. And continuing on though I know that defeat is inevitable - a hurt like that my heart can't bear.
Since he's been gone, I'm really trying to learn to stand on my own. And it's really important to me that I learn to do that. Talking to him, it's too easy to fish for compliments and let him boost my ego. It's too tempting to allow my self-esteem to rely on his lust. I need to sort out myself before I let anyone in, especially him.
So internet boy, when I told you I wasn't ready to be bffies anytime soon, it wasn't you and it wasn't me being a bitch. I can't be your friend, because I still love you too much. I'm not sure it will ever go away; but I know that as long as I do it's too easy to slip back into old patterns. "I don't know where, and I don't know how, but it will always be the same between you and me." And until the day comes that it's not, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be your friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)