Needing/Getting

Wanting something you can't have is probably the most frustrating thing in the world. You'd think I'd've learned by now, but it's quite the opposite actually. I've never been good at not getting my way.

It's sort of my problem with Alex right now. Whenever things start picking up with him, they get slammed to a screeching halt. For every two steps we've taken forward it's always four steps back.

Things started really good. It seemed to be going somewhere. Everyone told me it was going somewhere. (But then part of our problem is always our relationship being based on what I'm hearing from other people because he'll never just talk to me.) Then suddenly he tells me that he can't do the whole "monogamous relationship" thing. Not quite the ideal, but alright, cool. That seemed to make sense considering we'd both be parting ways in a few months anyway. And yet a few weeks later when we finally got to talk about it (or text actually cause we could never manage to actually have the conversation in person) and I offer him free range on whatever he wants this to be, he tells me he just wants to be friends.

Now this seemed to be fine and dandy. I mean, I didn't like him that much to begin with, that was the point of this, right? ...But then prom roles around. The secrecy thing was hard. The watching the slutface that is supposedly my friend all over him like she always is just because she knows she can be was not so fun. Overall I think we had a good time, but the entire night he was giving me mixed messages. One second he's pulling me closer and the next he's pushing my hand away. Later when we're all playing hide and seek (your partner was your date of course) him and I ended up taking a nap in a sand trap (oddly foiling our first date) and we're having another one of those "straight from teen novel" moments like we do talking abstractly about life and stuff, when he starts telling me about the girls he was debating between asking to prom. I really shouldn't be offended, but knowing that I hadn't even been one of the people he was thinking of asking when we had been dating up til the week before kind of hurt.

I'd known it before, but I think that was the moment that it hit me that I didn't want to be just friends with this person. That I really like him.

And I know that there's nothing I can do now. Now that we're in the "friends zone", but I can't help it. Every time I see him all I can think about is kissing him again. I made the mistake of giving him a hug today, his scent is still haunting me. I think I'm so glad that any of the guys I've really liked live a billion miles away, because wanting some one so much knowing full and well you can't have them and having to see them every day is I think on of the most miserable experiences I've yet to encounter.

I really don't know what I'm going to do and it's making me crazy. One minute he's completely ignoring me and the next he's completely flirting. Part of me wants to hit him, part of me wants to jump him, and all of me just wants to know what's going on.

Oh, and on an ironic note, the morning after prom my mom was asking about him. She said he was "such a nice boy"; why wasn't I dating him? Alas, if only she knew...