So I'm lying on the porch swing in my backyard in the pouring rain listening to Snow Patrol letting my imagination wander when all of the sudden I just imagined internet boy was there. And I started thinking about him, about us, about lately.
Doesn't he know he's not the only one hurting? He writes these things about me in his blog, it almost seems like he's checking to see if I pay attention. But I just don't understand; how can he not get that I miss him too?
So many times, I've wanted to call him. On the side of the road after I smashed my car, I was just standing there, shaking, choking down tears - I couldn't think of anyone's voice I'd rather hear; but I resisted.
But as much as I want to be his friend, we're caught in a catch-22 here. I can't be just friends with him, but I can't be more.
He and I don't work. We both agreed. He was always a bit idealistic about it, but it's the truth. We're going to grow into two very different people. Even if we had any geographic hope, our lives, our dreams, our destinies, they're just too different. And continuing on though I know that defeat is inevitable - a hurt like that my heart can't bear.
Since he's been gone, I'm really trying to learn to stand on my own. And it's really important to me that I learn to do that. Talking to him, it's too easy to fish for compliments and let him boost my ego. It's too tempting to allow my self-esteem to rely on his lust. I need to sort out myself before I let anyone in, especially him.
So internet boy, when I told you I wasn't ready to be bffies anytime soon, it wasn't you and it wasn't me being a bitch. I can't be your friend, because I still love you too much. I'm not sure it will ever go away; but I know that as long as I do it's too easy to slip back into old patterns. "I don't know where, and I don't know how, but it will always be the same between you and me." And until the day comes that it's not, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be your friend.
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