Searching

I've missed Nathan a lot since we broke up. It hasn't been a secret. He was my friend. My BEST friend. The only person I've ever had in my life that I knew would still love me and be there no matter what. So suddenly, when that moment came that I realized he wasn't always going to be there, that we were broken up and he was moved on and he didn't have to care about me anymore, my world crumbled. Somehow I kidded myself into believing that even when time passed and life changed, he'd be there for me. I thought that maybe, just maybe I finally had someone I could call when shit got real. Someone I would always be able to call. But that's not the case. Time passes, people change. People move in and out of your life. Finding one that sticks for a life time is hard. From my experience, it's not the case. You will never have a best friend who is always your best friend all of the time. Even when you make it through the test of time, you're going to drift apart. And that's okay. That's how it's suppose to be. It's what makes the time that you are close that much more precious.

I realized today that with Nathan, I can't be the person I am and the person he wants me to be at the same time. It's nothing pessimistic, or personal. But what we had is over. (Four months later I've FINALLY hit acceptance...nice work self. :P) Honesty is what made our friendship strong, and I don't think I can ever truly be honest with him again. The time has come. This person is walking out of my life. As much as I know Nathan and I both wanted to take our friendship with us when our relationship was over, sometimes no matter how bad you want something, it doesn't work out. I wish I'd realized how precious what I had was when I had it, but sometimes we can only connect the dots looking backwards. The best we can do is move forward, carrying our lessons with us as the reminders on our hearts.

I needed this time. This time to be a little wild, go a little crazy, live outside of what other people wanted for me. I'm still searching, but I'm finding myself slowly. I actually had a night where I just didn't feel like drinking this weekend. I'm finding myself actually wanting to get my work done rather than being told I need to. It's a proccess, a journey, a path I needed to walk myself. And I still can't see the light at the end but I know I'm getting closer.

I needed Nathan too though. I actually wrote a good portion of a novel last year about my experience with him. Even then, I knew it was going to be important to me always. He gave me a taste of something real. That thing people search for. Being so utterly and completely comfortable with someone. Someone you can laugh with, cry with, and just sit in silence with. Finding another person that makes every moment of your day better because you have them in your life. The concept of soulmates I never believed in, not even as a little girl, young and optimistic. Rugged individualism was the path of life I always intended to follow. But Nathan left me wanting to find that other person I never even knew I was searching for. I've felt sparks of it since. I know it's out there. I'll find it again someday. In the meantime, I'm going to find me.