adventure is out there

Maybe I'll be that girl who travels the world in love with possibility.

Maybe I'll be the one who settles down in suburbia to be a soccer mom.

Maybe I'll be an award winning journalist, or a justice-seeking policy maker.

Maybe dye my hair purple just for the hell of it.

Or maybe I'll just be boring old mistake-making reckless me, searching for myself as long as I live

I don't know who I'll be yet. Or where I'll go. Or who I'll meet.

But I'm starting to see that it's bigger than here. It's bigger than high school or the friends I've acquired in these 19 years.

It's terrifying, but it's time to let go.

I don't want to say goodbye to here. It's scary to think that the house I call home will no longer be here in a few short months; everything is about to be different.

It's scary to accept that the friends that were once family may not always be a part of my life.

It's scary, but it's time.

It's time to say goodbye to Nathan too. And I know I've said that a million times, that I talk about him constantly.

And god, I can't even express how sad and hurt and angry it all still makes me.

I want so badly for things to be different between us.

I'd give anything to make things different.

But I can't build a time machine.

I can't live in regret of choices I made not knowing better.

And I am so goddamn tired of trying so hard to be friends with someone who says one thing, but really doesn't seem to care.

I'm tired of living my life under a microscope.

Tired of caring so much what other people think.

Tired of stupid high school drama.

Tired of living my life in the same cycle of creation and destruction.

Tired of living for others instead of myself.

Tired of existing in fear rather than truly living.

So I think it's time...

Time to let go.

Time to move on.

Time to start fresh.

I almost respect what Frances did. She moved away and she cut ties with home and she let herself start a new life of bigger and better things.

And while I in no way intend to cut everyone out, or drastically change, or become ridiculously religious, I think maybe it's time I follow in her footsteps.

Goodbye home. You've been the only place I've every really felt at home, and I'll miss you.

Goodbye friends. You've been laughs and memories. There through thick and thin. More family to me than blood, and I'll never forget you.

Goodbye Nathan. The best thing to ever happen to my life so far. You changed everything I believed in and everything I was as a person. You taught me to love. You gave me amazing lessons and memories. God I want it to be different, but it can't. You I'll miss the most, but it's time to let you go; time to cut you out. I owe it to myself.

Goodbye high school. Four of the best years of my life, spilling over into a fifth.

Amazing, but gone and over. And I think I get that now. I think I'm ready to let go of that world and embrace new possibilities.

There's a whole world out there.

And all take all this home has given me,

But I'm ready to go explore. <3

If I die young...

I wonder sometimes, what words they'd say at my funeral

If I died tomorrow, who would care?

Who would show up?

My friends I suppose. If only out of obligation.

Maybe some others. Those that go to funerals to improve reputation.

My family I'm sure; for them I'd feel the sorriest.

But what about the others?

Would he go?

If I were dead would that make him give a fuck about me?

It's morbid I guess, but I can't help it.

I know I won't,

But I contemplate the idea of suicide now and again.

Always have.

It's like this comforting crystal ball I like to juggle on the edge of my palm.

Knowing at any second it might drop,

while at the same time staring into it's beauty and wonder, knowing something precious is in my hands.

But there's moments like these.

Moments were it hurts so bad I can't turn it off.

I can't control it.

I feel nothing but pity, and sorrow, and loneliness, and like such an absolute unwanted freak.

Moments like these that the idea of never waking up tomorrow -

or sooner even; ending it all in the next five minutes -

it seems like the sweetest gift I could give myself.

The peace,

the quiet.

I've never found it here.

No matter how much I search I can't seem too.

So it's hard not to wonder if perhaps it's time to let go of this world; if maybe that which I seek is waiting for me somewhere else.

So I wonder, what would they say?

Who would take the blame?

Would they claim me troubled?

Lie and call it some "tragedy."

Would they suddenly care?

Would they read the words I've written?

Find sudden brillance in what was once just a mere girl?

Or would I simply slip away?

For surely no school would hold grand ceremony; no one would get bumper stickers or tattoo their backs.

So what would they say about me?

Who would notice?

Would I shake any realities?

Touch any hearts?

If I died tomorrow,

would that finally be enough for you to care?

bathwater

Do you remember that night in July?

I was drunk off Jack we washed down with grape juice chasers. Smoking cigars in my back yard. My friend Alex was visiting. It was the first time I'd ever been drunk. And you were pissed. The only sober responsible one. You felt manipulated, and I could tell you were upset, and I wanted so much to apologize, but my drunk self couldn't focus enough to figure out how. So I sat in my room waiting for you to get back from taking everyone home and you came in, and you kissed me and told me I tasted like alcohol. But even smelling like whiskey you still cuddled me. And we took a bath. Our first bath together. And we cuddled. And I rambled drunkenly on. And the warm water was amazing. And your kisses. And I felt so safe and so happy. And I know you were mad. That you felt used. That you probably look back on that night with a little anger. You being so moral and my messing up and annoying you. That's kind of how I felt about our whole relationship. I was never good enough. Always just messing up and annoying you. But I look at that night differently. To me that night was magic. It was heaven.

And just like that night I never think I'll ever be able to explain enough how sorry I am and how much I want you not to be mad at me anymore. How I just want for you to enjoy this moment with me and be happy.

And just like that night "I love you. I love you. I love you. ...this many. *reaches out arms*"

And I have longer arms, so I will always win. <3

muffins

I don't know if you have any idea what today is, but I sure do.

A year ago today I lost my virginity to you.

After much deliberation, and late night phone calls discussing all the ramifications of sex, the moment came where I knew whole-heartedly that I was ready. That things were perfect.

And I don't regret it. I don't regret it at all.

That was the best weekend of my life.
Watching Mean Girls, eating muffins and making Betty White jokes, being so completely in love with you.

But I do wonder if somehow things might be easier if I hadn't.

Maybe if sex hadn't entered the equation this wouldn't hurt so much.

Maybe I wouldn't've made some of the mistakes I've made since.

I dunno.

I don't even know if you know what today is, or if you care.

Especially with the way things are now.

How did we get so broken?

We tell each other how much we want to be friends, but nothing seems to change.

I close my eyes and wish for a moment that things were different. That we were together. That I could call you and tell you how much I love you and care about you and we could spend today together and be happy.

But that's not real. And I can't torture myself like this anymore.

I know it isn't likely, but I still hope I get another chance with you someday. In all honesty, even if I did, I feel like we're both to different now. It wouldn't work out. But I wish I could build a time machine and stay as "us" a little longer. It was beautiful to be in love with you. I miss it and often think of it fondly.

I miss you. And I love you. And I will always love you. If only for that one night, and how very much it/you meant to me.

And I hope you remember what today means too. (But you probably don't :/)

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

August 8th (because technically it was 2am) - forever in my heart

breadcrumbs

I feel like I've left all these little breadcrumbs for you

Trails back to where we were

Pieces to let you know how much you meant to me

A path to guide you

To let you know that when I told you I loved you, I meant it

To let you know that I will always care greatly for you, that I will always be here for you

Something to keep the memory of our love alive, because you meant so much to me that I want to keep it alive

And I feel like you've appreciated none of it