muffins

I don't know if you have any idea what today is, but I sure do.

A year ago today I lost my virginity to you.

After much deliberation, and late night phone calls discussing all the ramifications of sex, the moment came where I knew whole-heartedly that I was ready. That things were perfect.

And I don't regret it. I don't regret it at all.

That was the best weekend of my life.
Watching Mean Girls, eating muffins and making Betty White jokes, being so completely in love with you.

But I do wonder if somehow things might be easier if I hadn't.

Maybe if sex hadn't entered the equation this wouldn't hurt so much.

Maybe I wouldn't've made some of the mistakes I've made since.

I dunno.

I don't even know if you know what today is, or if you care.

Especially with the way things are now.

How did we get so broken?

We tell each other how much we want to be friends, but nothing seems to change.

I close my eyes and wish for a moment that things were different. That we were together. That I could call you and tell you how much I love you and care about you and we could spend today together and be happy.

But that's not real. And I can't torture myself like this anymore.

I know it isn't likely, but I still hope I get another chance with you someday. In all honesty, even if I did, I feel like we're both to different now. It wouldn't work out. But I wish I could build a time machine and stay as "us" a little longer. It was beautiful to be in love with you. I miss it and often think of it fondly.

I miss you. And I love you. And I will always love you. If only for that one night, and how very much it/you meant to me.

And I hope you remember what today means too. (But you probably don't :/)

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

August 8th (because technically it was 2am) - forever in my heart