This.

This isn't something I ever thought I would ever have to ever worry about. No one plans to be cheated on. No one thinks they'll fall for that kind of person. Everyone thinks they would leave the second it happened.

Unfortunately the world is gray.

I hate this. I hate that you did this. I know that it could've been worse, but could it? Could it really? I can't trust you. Not at all. Who knows what else you've lied about? Who knows if you're actually even owning up now? Was anything you ever said even true?

Because you didn't say sorry. Not once in our whole conversation. And you didn't seem remorseful. And somehow I got through that conversation, got through today, and I felt okay, even about us. But the more I think about it the more I start to wonder how much of this is me being a stupid girl who's fallen for a boy that doesn't deserve her.

And I just hate that the clock is ticking. I hate that I feel like I have to make the most out of our last few days. There is no hope of things happening naturally. I have to force it if I want to make this work. And somehow I can't feel like that's adding to the lies. I can't help but feel cheated; after all the work I did to get you, to keep you, I loose you only to circumstance.

And is it wrong that I'm almost not hurt? Yeah, I saw it coming I guess, but more. Like I expected it. Like I believed that I wasn't enough. No matter how hard I try I suddenly doubt whether it's just lies, or whether I ever actually make you happy.

It's not the worst, no. Cause mostly what I got out of this is that I'm fucking awesome and you're a goddamn twat. Too busy winning at life to shed a tear over someone who clearly didn't even deserve that.

Because I get you. And I know that sounds dumb to say, but I do. All your lies, all your bullshit. All your front that you put up so incredibly convincingly. But I see the cracks in the foundation. I see you for who, for what you are. Read you like a book even. I think that's part of why you lasted this long. You're a puzzle I wanted to solve; infuriated by how close and how far the answer always felt. And last night I saw it in your eyes. Some part of it got through to you. Finally, you weren't bullshit and innocent eyes and cocky humor - for just a moment, you were real.

I can't help be impressed at my composure. Livid, pulsating with anger, I still don't think even a word was out of place. Not an action would I change.

Mostly I just hate that you betrayed me after how good I've been too you.

Mostly I just hate the fact that I can't shake the feeling that as strong as I feel now, I might be in for another summer of crying myself to sleep alone each night over a boy who doesn't even care.

Doubt

You shouldn't be with someone you're unsure of, should you?

Somehow that seems counter-intuitive to me

To be with someone you don't respect

Someone you don't totally trust

Someone you have to defend and take care of all the time

Someone who doesn't much take care of you in return

But then I've never been much good with these things

It's weird, because the feelings are there

Just like last time

When he's with me I feel safe and happy; I know he has feelings for me

And there's even things that have never been there before, like passion, chemistry, attraction
Things I like

But the other things,

the things that brought the real, lasting happiness

...not so much

I'm going through the motions

I want to be with him

But I can't shake that uneasy feeling that something isn't quite right

And my gut tells me no time will be like last time

No one will ever be Nathan. That was different.

Special.

So maybe this is normal

Or maybe I am what I seem, a dumb lovesick girl dating a douchebag

But I want to be with him

Maybe because I so badly want him to want me

Or maybe it's because I see so much in him that he doesn't yet see in himself and I know that I can help him, that I'm good for him

Or maybe it's just because I can't stand the thought of being alone

Because I want so so badly to be in a relationship

I'm scared

I don't think I'm at a place where the one I'm with should be "the one" - it's too soon

But if I really let someone in again, if I really love again, like I did Nathan...

...I can't bare the thought of a loss like that. Not again.

So maybe this is some sort of coping strategy

Date a loser so you have reasons not to like him when it's over

But from years of experience I can tell you that you still get hurt all the same

Or maybe this is me punishing myself

Maybe I still don't believe that I deserve to be happy after the way things with Nathan ended

Or maybe I'm just crazy and tired

I want him to be perfect.

But he isn't.

And he never will be.

So I try to accept him for who he is,

because I care about him

But all that seems to get me is feeling neglected.

The "L" Word

It's a fine distinction. The difference between loving someone and being in love. Somewhere in the drunken haze between asleep and awake I saw it; felt it. I love you. And I don't mean that to be some big bad scary thing. It's just how it is. You are more than a friend to me, yes. But it's more that we have reached a point where I don't just like you, or care about you - I love you. I would be miserable if something happened to you. I want to keep you safe and happy. Just as I would any close friend.

And I know I can't tell you. You'd be terrified. You wouldn't understand. But I want to. In moments of comfort. When you kiss me awake. I want to just smile and tell you. Simple. Uncomplicated. Even though with you the words would drain the moment of their meaning.

And it's not that I couldn't fall in love with you. In fact, I fear sometimes that I might be ever so slightly. But there isn't time for that. It would benefit no party involved. We just can't go there. I can't go there. I wish we could. I know it'd be good for you. I wish I could be the girl to change your mind. But there isn't time. There isn't hope. Not with you anyway. Not now.

Mostly I just hope I can keep it to myself. The way things slip out sometimes with you.

You are so different.

We are so different.

I am so different.