Doubt

You shouldn't be with someone you're unsure of, should you?

Somehow that seems counter-intuitive to me

To be with someone you don't respect

Someone you don't totally trust

Someone you have to defend and take care of all the time

Someone who doesn't much take care of you in return

But then I've never been much good with these things

It's weird, because the feelings are there

Just like last time

When he's with me I feel safe and happy; I know he has feelings for me

And there's even things that have never been there before, like passion, chemistry, attraction
Things I like

But the other things,

the things that brought the real, lasting happiness

...not so much

I'm going through the motions

I want to be with him

But I can't shake that uneasy feeling that something isn't quite right

And my gut tells me no time will be like last time

No one will ever be Nathan. That was different.

Special.

So maybe this is normal

Or maybe I am what I seem, a dumb lovesick girl dating a douchebag

But I want to be with him

Maybe because I so badly want him to want me

Or maybe it's because I see so much in him that he doesn't yet see in himself and I know that I can help him, that I'm good for him

Or maybe it's just because I can't stand the thought of being alone

Because I want so so badly to be in a relationship

I'm scared

I don't think I'm at a place where the one I'm with should be "the one" - it's too soon

But if I really let someone in again, if I really love again, like I did Nathan...

...I can't bare the thought of a loss like that. Not again.

So maybe this is some sort of coping strategy

Date a loser so you have reasons not to like him when it's over

But from years of experience I can tell you that you still get hurt all the same

Or maybe this is me punishing myself

Maybe I still don't believe that I deserve to be happy after the way things with Nathan ended

Or maybe I'm just crazy and tired

I want him to be perfect.

But he isn't.

And he never will be.

So I try to accept him for who he is,

because I care about him

But all that seems to get me is feeling neglected.