Treachery

My mother infuriates me to no end. That's basically all this is going to be: me venting about her; but it's basically my only outlet-it's this or kill her.

So if you didn't know this I have some serious trust issues. They were caused by my parents, primarily my mother, so trusting her is especially difficult.

Recently, I felt like we've made progress, like we've grown closer and actually formed a relationship; but I guess I was wrong. She was just using me for information the way my parents always do, just using me.

Lately she has been really suspicious and won't let me do anything if there's boys there (massive boy induced paranoia pretty much) and just now I figured out why: she's been reading my journal.

No, I do not have some flowery bullshit diary were I write my feelings and the days events; I have a journal, a tool to express ones' self creatively, a place where I store my thoughts, ideas, pro-con lists, and life goals...but more importantly the place where I keep the songs and poetry I have written.

You probably didn't no I write songs or poetry; that's exactly how personal it is. I have only ever shown my journal to three people beside myself and even then only select pages. My journal is mine and it's private, it's not that there are secrets in there or anything it's just about boundaries and vulnerability and personal space. I hate being vulnerable and I need my personal space.

What's worse is that she read, my poetry, misinterpreted it, and gabbed about it with her friend (asking her friend to pump me for info none the less). Based on rather abstract poetry she basically thinks that I am a whore and that a lot more happened at a certain go-away trip I took last spring than actually did (which is pretty easy considering nothing happened ).

On the bright side I completely understand her extreme boy superstition now; however, she read my private fucking thoughts and invaded my space! I mean what the hell?! Sixteen and a half years and I can't have a little fucking space?! I can't have one thing to myself? Is nothing sacred?! Seriously, that bitch! And why the hell didn't she just talk to me about instead of dancing around it and making us both uncomfortable.

What she did was ridiculously wrong, I'm pissed, I'm sick of her bullshit, and somebody is going to pay!

GRRRRR!!!!!! haha

My Bucket List (So Far)

So this is basically a list of everything I want to do before I die. It's mostly just specific tasks. It doesn't include all the places I want to visit or people I want to meet or books I want to read or whatnot; just some stuff I want to do. It isn't done yet, but this is it so far; this is my...

...Bucket List:
-master a skill
-be in 2 places at once
-break a law (don't get caught)
-watch the sun set/rise (and stay up all night)
-see something beautiful that no on else will
-bungee jump
-get a tattoo
-buy a star
-become bilingual (at least)
-write/publish a novel
-star in a film
-live under the Tuscan sun
-find love, lose it, and find it again
-be involved in the making of history
-change someone's life for the better
-save a life
-gamble with the high rollers in Monte Carlo
-attend a Fashion Week
-be a guest on the Ellen DeGeneres show
-own an apartment in Manhattan
-vacation in the Hamptons
-Feb. in Cape Cod/Martha's Vineyard
-visit all 50 states and at least 6 of the 7 continents
-jump into the Mediterranean with my best friends
-attend a silent rave
-fly in a hot air balloon
-own at least 100 different designs of converse
-sit on a beach in a thunderstorm and watch the lightning
-dine with royalty
-do something newsworthy
-fail at something (publicly)
-live through a tornado
-find meaning in life
-fly from Sydney to LA
-fight for something/someone
-visit a mythical location (i.e. Jerusalem)
-solve a mystery
-spend way to much money on something useless that I can't afford
-go on a zip line
-research & record family history for future generations
-tepee someone
-visit a haunted location; bring a big strong man to fight the ghosts, haha
-hold a seance
-visit the 7 wonders of the world
-spend a summer in the South
-visit Port Washington, CT, and Forks, WA
-wander aimlessly around London searching for the entrance to Diagonal Alley; check phone booths for the entrance to the Ministry of Magic
-dine atop the Eiffel tower
-have a cute Italian boy buy me pasta in Rome
-make a wish in the Trevy fountain
-visit the Australian Zoo
-sky dive
-tie up the loose ends in my life
...

Objectified

I was on the bus home today, with a small segment of the usual crowd. Myself, three other ND/Palma kids including this one freshman girl and her twin brother. If you've ever been on an MST bus, then you know that there is a "communal" section in the front and back of the bus and the middle is filled with individual sets of seats, two on a side. Each of us were spaced out by at least one seat set.

Eventually we pull up to a stop in Toro where four public school boys (probably sophomores or juniors) get on. I first I don't think anything of it, just some guys enjoying their day off being silly; but within a few minutes the entire bus reeks of pot, and if you know my feelings about drugs (another note for another time) you'd know that this pisses me off already. I mean honestly, what the hell are they thinking getting high and then getting on a public bus?! There are kids that ride MST! Not to mention it's just plain stupid! I wish I could make another powerful and coherent sentence on what a selfish and unintelligent decision that is! I mean, if they want to expose themselves and there probably already limited number of brain cells to that shit then that is there decision, and I can't say that it's fine or that I respect it but they are entitled to it.

So aside from the stench and there loud chatter (which was luckily incoherent under the sounds of Angels and Airwaves coming through my headphones) nothing else seems to be wrong. Just some idiot teenage boys doing, what all but a few of them seem to do best, being absolute morons. But then I notice the freshman girl looks up at them with a hurt glare. I mean if looks could kill, we would have had four dead bodies on our hands; I have never seen anyone's face hold such intensity before, I felt as if I could read her like a book.

Now I don't particularly like this freshman girl. I mean she is perfectly nice and everything, but her "type" generally piss me off. You know, the fake blond girls with the heavy eyeliner and the skirts that might as well not even be there, the kind that all the guys drool over, the kind that I can't tell if I hate them because they are stupid or because I want to be one of them. In some circles, they're the "popular" girls, I can't really be an authority figure on what is or isn't popular, but you know the girls to who I am referring.

So this girl looks angry, but it isn't just anger, it's pain underneath. I can't quite figure out what's wrong. I figured maybe she's just wishing they would shut up so she could finish the homework she's working on, or maybe she's straight edge too, probably no big deal. I pause my iPod for a second, and tune in to the boys conversation, or what I can hear anyway. Nothing seemed inappropriate, so I chalk it up to a misunderstanding...And yet, something about the look on her face won't let me forget it.

A while later, and two stops before me, the girl and her brother get off. The idiot boys decide to move from the front of the bus to the back (the section right behind me). Something still seems off, so I press pause again and see what happens.

The boys are apparently still watching the twins, and in about a minute of argument, figure out that they're twins ("But they can't be twins 'cuz that one's a boy"...W-O-W...nice one losers). And after I try not to explode from laughter about that one, I hear something that makes me sick to my stomach. "Damn his sister sure was hot." "What a nice little slice." "What a slut." "I bet she's easy." And it went on and on getting worse and worse and more and more vulgar, and I swear to God, I could've leapt over the seat and killed those assholes with my bare hands. I thought about it, pictured it, who to take first, how to get over my seat the fastest, and how to escape when the bus driver figured it out. I literally had to hold myself down because I was shaking with anger. It took every fiber of my being not to do something, anything; scream, swear, fight, I didn't really care anymore I just couldn't sit passively and let them talk about her like, like, like that!

Ultimately I got off the bus, I did nothing, I let them go. I realized that I am a defenseless loser; that even had I said anything I just would tripped, or dropped something, and completely ruined the sting of my words. Wouldn't it? Would having said something, done something, would it have changed anything?

All I can say is I am appalled. I don't care what a girl does, or how she dresses, or anything else, NO woman deserves to be talked to/about like that. I can't believe that those boys have been raised in a way that they think that is acceptable behavior because it is ABSOLUTELY NOT O.K. I was even more upset because I know guys like that, I have liked guys like that. What they hell was I thinking? Have I been so fucked up in the head by the men in my life that I think THAT is desirable? Because it is absofuckinglutely NOT. Never again will I ever make that mistake. And never again will I ever write off a girl because of her actions or appearance. I don't care who you are, male or female, everyone deserves equality and every woman deserves respect.

...Any thoughts?...

How the American Education System Fails Us (Rant Against "The MAN")

The whole conspiracy theory, it goes deep. If you think about it, from the government, to the media, to capitalism, it works together to control us; to turn us into the consumerist zombies that we are (without us ever even realizing it). Before you right me off, think about it. How much influence external sources have on your life, consciously and subconsciously. More on that another time, but it really is ridiculous.

So here's the deal: School, it fails us. In the attempt to 'empower' us and to 'give us a better future' the school system takes away our power and deprives us of our present and our future.

If you translate the word "Kindergarten" from it's original German, it literally means "to break the spirits of" and that is exactly what they do. Public schools in conjunction with society use us all like play-dough, creating perfect little molds of who they think we should be. They teach what is and is not "appropriate"; they teach us to color inside the lines, follow a proper code of conduct, and tell us how we can and cannot behave. Now I'm not a hippie; I'm not saying there should be no discipline and no order, I'm just thinking, what are they doing to us? Just think about all the influences in your life. When was the last time you ever thought for yourself? Without influence, from parents, peers, media, education, or some sort of factoid stored in your brain? And when was the first time you let those influences start thinking for you?

Once they broken us, molded us, the education system does something worse: they deprive us of our youth. In today's society, you are preparing for college since preschool, whether you know it or not. We are piled with homework on top of the six mandatory hours most of us spend in school. When exactly are kids allowed to just be kids? When can we run around and breathe fresh air and think about something else besides school like, oh, I don't know, who we want to be as a person, or our families, or the many problems that arrive in day to day life? What about those problems? No one with a real life can honestly survive school. In eighth grade when my mom was dying and my dad was gone did they honestly expect me to just say "Oh, sorry mom, I'm sorry you have organ failure and we only have a few months left together, but I have Algebra to do?"...because if that is what they seriously expect of us then they are sadly mistaken. (Keep in mind, I am one of the lucky ones who has a cushy life and who's parent recovered; what does the school system say to those who have actually lost a parent?)

Has anyone ever considered that they our wasting the best years of our lives behind a desk in some classroom, teaching us what they 'think' we 'need to know'? I think it's about time someone inform 'THEM' that what you need to know about life you cannot learn in a classroom. You learn it outside, in the world, living life.

But if we follow the 'plan' we will never get to live our lives. We go to school all of our youth, then we are expected to go to college, after which we are expected to opt for more school or begin our career, we then will spend 30-40 years of our life in a job (that quite honestly most of us won't like), following which (if we live that long) we can retire and be further screwed over by the American system which leaves us barely anything to live off of. Honestly, what gives? When am I supposed to live my life? When do I get to follow my heart and follow my dreams? You get one chance to live this life, and the 'SYSTEM' wants us to waste it?! Call me crazy if you want to, but I consider that to be major oppression; land of the free my ass.

Is What the Heart Wants, Really What it Wants?

I probably should stick to no more than a note a day, but what can I say? I'm on a roll. Anyway...

Random question, but do you believe it's possible to be in love with more than one person at a time? Is it possible to have more than one soulmate? Is there even such a thing a soulmates?

I'm not sure of how I feel about all that lovey-dovey crap; I've never seen a successful relationship outside of my peers, all the adults I know are either divorced or on their second marriage, and I'm kind of just not a mushy kinda chick. But in light of everything I've learned in the last couple of years, I know that love exists. I know that it's out there somewhere, it isn't a just thing of fairy tales and vampire novels.

I'm also fairly certain that I've found it. Crazy as that sounds, I'm fairly sure I met my soulmate in my freshman year of high school. (I would give details, but on the off chance he reads this, I'd rather not spill the beans before have the chance and work up the courage to tell him in person.) And it is crazy, I wouldn't have believed it myself before we met. But he's just the most amazing person, and the instant we met something just told me he was important.

But if it is/was him and only him. That should be it. That should be all there is. I shouldn't like other people, but I do. I've fallen very hard for other people. I start to wonder if maybe he's just my Jacob Black; maybe my Edward is still out there somewhere.

Did Bella ever really have a choice? Could she have decided that Jacob was the one she loved and wound up with him instead of Edward, leading a completely different life? Or were her and Edward so meant to be that nothing could have come between them but each other? She seemed to be certain it was so, and sometimes I wish I was that certain to.

So I ask to you, whoever was bored enough to find and read this, what do you think? Is each person out there just meant for one other person? Or is life determined by choices, is the person you love determined by choices?

I don't think any of us will ever really know for sure, aside from what we find in our own lives of course, but I wonder. Sometimes I feel like my life could go in a million different directions based on every choice I make. It's scary because one wrong move and I could lose it all. I could lose him while biding my time, waiting for a better offer; or I could someday find a better offer and discover that I settled too soon. Regardless, I am utterly intrigued to see where my life goes. In ten years time, I'm going to be such a different person; I can hardly wait to meet her.

Awakening

I'm not really sure what's up with me, but I feel the need to write, so here-it-goes:

I can't sit still. I'm tired of my mundane life. I am unfulfilled. I have no way to express my creative genius. It's like this whole other person is inside of me, clawing their way to the surface. I'm a little afraid of what will happen when they come out.

I feel kind of sorry for myself. It's a pathetic waste of time, I know especially considering the good fortune of my life, but still, I feel saddened. I'm never going to know what so many things are like. I missed so much; like childhood. Sometimes I really regret not getting to be a kid. With everything I had to deal with so young, I never got to be carefree and innocent. For as long as I can remember I've always had to take care of someone. And it makes me feel worse to know that they've never appreciated it and never will. I am the reason my brothers are able to be normal; I was their shield from the reality of our younger years. I sacrificed myself so that they could have the innocence I never will. And it hurts that they will never appreciate it; they'll never understand because they don't even remember it. I feel guilty for resenting them just a little when I watch their laughter, but I do. And I feel guilty for wanting to be selfish, for knowing that I never want to get married or have kids because I never want to have to take care of anyone but me for the rest of my life. I never want to have to think about what anyone else needs, or feels, or wants; just what I need, and feel, and want. It's selfish, but after everything, I deserve it.

I kind of miss the days when my life was a living hell; at least it was eventful. Now, I'm just boring. Trapped in limbo for God knows how long. Waiting to be on my own, and yet somewhat scared to do so.
I feel rather spineless. I can't do anything successfully as of late; I can't pass chemistry, I can't keep my mouth shut, I can't even send a stupid e-mail to tell a guy that I like him. I'm utterly not me. I don't quite know where I went, but I miss her.

She wasn't quite this insecure. She made decisions, and was sure of herself. She passed her classes and got along in life. But one day she just disappeared. Maybe I'm not that different from Autumn after all: I too lost myself in search of a certain boy, did I not?

There's a song by Switchfoot, coming to my mind at the moment: "I want to wake up kicking and screaming. I wanna live like I know what I'm leading. I want to wake up kicking and screaming. I need to know that my heart's still beating." That is exactly how I feel. I want to feel something, anything; because right now, I may as well not even be here, that's how numb I am. Don't get me wrong, my suicidal days left about the time the braces did; I refuse to ever go back to that shadowy place again. But I need a miracle...Or at least...something. Something to pull me into the present moment. Something that makes my reality ever better than my dreams.

Maybe that's it. I mean this whole depression kicked in after DC. Maybe my life was soo great there that it will never be that good again.I'll never feel that good again. Tragic. Maybe some dumbass stoner from Indiana is the best boy I'm ever going to find. Pathetic. And yet writing it now, I sound so utterly retarded. I am no better than the bobble head blonds I so harshly ridicule. This is where my life has lead me, how pathetic.

So, Joseph, if you remember the way to Munchkin land (or even that conversation we had), please let me know. I need an adventure to make me stronger. I need to find my yellow brick road. I need to find myself again, to find my way home.

My Favorite Monologue of All Time

"I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it. I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably ruin our friendship but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not dismiss that -at least for ten seconds- and try to dwell in it. There isn't another soul on this planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. you can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of."