Awakening

I'm not really sure what's up with me, but I feel the need to write, so here-it-goes:

I can't sit still. I'm tired of my mundane life. I am unfulfilled. I have no way to express my creative genius. It's like this whole other person is inside of me, clawing their way to the surface. I'm a little afraid of what will happen when they come out.

I feel kind of sorry for myself. It's a pathetic waste of time, I know especially considering the good fortune of my life, but still, I feel saddened. I'm never going to know what so many things are like. I missed so much; like childhood. Sometimes I really regret not getting to be a kid. With everything I had to deal with so young, I never got to be carefree and innocent. For as long as I can remember I've always had to take care of someone. And it makes me feel worse to know that they've never appreciated it and never will. I am the reason my brothers are able to be normal; I was their shield from the reality of our younger years. I sacrificed myself so that they could have the innocence I never will. And it hurts that they will never appreciate it; they'll never understand because they don't even remember it. I feel guilty for resenting them just a little when I watch their laughter, but I do. And I feel guilty for wanting to be selfish, for knowing that I never want to get married or have kids because I never want to have to take care of anyone but me for the rest of my life. I never want to have to think about what anyone else needs, or feels, or wants; just what I need, and feel, and want. It's selfish, but after everything, I deserve it.

I kind of miss the days when my life was a living hell; at least it was eventful. Now, I'm just boring. Trapped in limbo for God knows how long. Waiting to be on my own, and yet somewhat scared to do so.
I feel rather spineless. I can't do anything successfully as of late; I can't pass chemistry, I can't keep my mouth shut, I can't even send a stupid e-mail to tell a guy that I like him. I'm utterly not me. I don't quite know where I went, but I miss her.

She wasn't quite this insecure. She made decisions, and was sure of herself. She passed her classes and got along in life. But one day she just disappeared. Maybe I'm not that different from Autumn after all: I too lost myself in search of a certain boy, did I not?

There's a song by Switchfoot, coming to my mind at the moment: "I want to wake up kicking and screaming. I wanna live like I know what I'm leading. I want to wake up kicking and screaming. I need to know that my heart's still beating." That is exactly how I feel. I want to feel something, anything; because right now, I may as well not even be here, that's how numb I am. Don't get me wrong, my suicidal days left about the time the braces did; I refuse to ever go back to that shadowy place again. But I need a miracle...Or at least...something. Something to pull me into the present moment. Something that makes my reality ever better than my dreams.

Maybe that's it. I mean this whole depression kicked in after DC. Maybe my life was soo great there that it will never be that good again.I'll never feel that good again. Tragic. Maybe some dumbass stoner from Indiana is the best boy I'm ever going to find. Pathetic. And yet writing it now, I sound so utterly retarded. I am no better than the bobble head blonds I so harshly ridicule. This is where my life has lead me, how pathetic.

So, Joseph, if you remember the way to Munchkin land (or even that conversation we had), please let me know. I need an adventure to make me stronger. I need to find my yellow brick road. I need to find myself again, to find my way home.