Disillusioned

Today I've noticed that I can't stop smiling. Nothing really happened to make me particularly happy, I've just noticed that I've stopped caring.

Sure, I have my moments of insecurity-times of doubt, longings to be different, to be more-but for the most part, I am content.

To be quite honest, I really don't give a fuck what you think of me.

Granted, I am sad at the thought of people hating me. I long to be liked-to be the girl everyone genuinely wants to be friends with; but at the same time, I can't people please my way through life. I really enjoy the warmth and welcoming of ND as opposed to the hateful glances I felt at York, yet I refuse to continue to be civil to people who are genuinely mean and disrespectful to myself and the ones I care about. Not everyone is going to like you, and you are not going to like everybody. I hate that, I wish we all just got along, but we don't; it's a harsh reality of adulthood.

The fact of the matter is, I am who I am. I am a self-serving manipulative bitch. I am selfish and conceited and over-zealous. I tend to control situations and be frustrated by that which I cannot control. I am often insecure and mask it with bouts of bragging. Those are my faults (well...those and gluttony of course). I am aware of my faults and I embrace them. I know I am not cool, I do not think I am "the shit," and that is okay with me.

But at the same time, that is not all of me. I am considerate and polite and sweet. I really, truly care about my friends; I would take a bullet for most of them. I am very innocent and naive in an adorable way. I'm awkward at relationships which I find endearing. Though not the smartest, I have a brain, and I use it. I fight for what I love if the situation calls for it. I do my best to be there for others, even just helping a stranger. At the core of it all, I am a good person, I have a good heart.

Good and bad, I know who I am, and I embrace that and I try to be open to suggestions from those who don't. I know certain people think I'm a bitch right now, and I can feel a vortex coming-shit is about to be spread. I am going to stand up for my friends and what I think is right, and that might cost me in the end. But before that happens, here is this. It is not an attack on anyone, or a gossip rag. This is my perspective, this is me. You can take it or leave it, but I certainly hope you'll at least put some thought in too it first.