(Hittin' My Head) Against the Wall

Life's frustrating right now.

My good friends keep asking me why the hell I'm with Alex. I mean, technically, I'm not with Alex, but I still want to be with Alex. Everyone always sees us together and assumes I'm with Alex. I'm still obsessed with Alex. I can't go five seconds without thinking about Alex. "He's the crazy one" they tell me when I tell them that he's made it clear he doesn't want me. Apparently I'm an awesome person and he doesn't deserve me if he's too stupid to see that, and I know this, but I can't help myself. It's like him not wanting me makes me want him even more. I have a feeling it's tied to some daddy issue of vying for affection. But, even so, it's more than that. Being with him would be convenient. I see him all the time anyway, I'm already comfortable with him. It just makes sense. My heart's been through too much this year. I don't want another boy. I don't want to have to start all over again when I've made it this far. I want to work it out. I want to move forward.

I've debated just telling him. Telling him that when I said I was cool with us just being friends I was lying. I was lying because I didn't feel like I had any other choice. I was thinking about asking him over today. But I don't think I will. I'm too chicken. I'm scared he'll say no. And knowing him, he won't really say no he'll come up with a nice non-no and me having to see him all the time will become this awkward torture for the both of us. And yet, having to see him already kills me inside, so isn't the chance that it could get better worth the risk of it getting worse?

And then there's this whole sex thing. I was talking with one of my friends about some stuff and she made it really apparent she's on some self-determined timeline that she has to lose it before high school's over. At first I was like, "Well I'm not quite in that much of a rush...", but aren't I? I mean, I go back and forth on this issue constantly, and I'm not on some timeline, I think that's stupid, but it's all I can think about lately. (Other then obsessing of Alex that is. It's a deadly depressing combination.) You see since I crashed my car I've been bad. Maybe not outwardly so, but I notice in moments that my depression's gotten worse. It's not like suicidal or anything, but it's like I can't feel anything anymore. It's pure apathy. I care about nothing. I feel nothing. The only moments that I actually feel alive are the one's that I'm "with" someone. So I think somewhere I've subliminally told myself that I want to have sex because I want to feel alive. I know I should care more about the whole virginity thing than I do (or so my Catholic education is constantly telling me), but I just don't. I'll probably change my mind again. I mean, it's not like I have any current geographically-available prospects. I don't know. I'm just in one of those places where my life's on stall. I'm due for some good though, so hopefully things will pick up soon.