Down the road

Recently I met an interesting individual who started me to thinking about something. We were talking about relationships and he said that when he dates someone and a problem arises he asks himself if it’s a dealbreaker, or something he can live with, and if after whatever has happened/he has found out about he can still see himself marrying them then they stay together and if not, they break up. Date to date he continues a relationship based on the idea that he could see himself marrying the girl. “Well after all, that is the goal of dating,” he said.

My mouth fell open in awe for a second. This philosophy did in fact make perfect sense. And yet, it was something I had never thought about before. 

To me, relationships are still somewhat of a fantasy. So many years I spent just wishing someone would like me. And though I’ve grown and come to learn that the one thing in life I am amazingly good at is being the world’s greatest girlfriend, well hell, I still find myself a little flustered with disbelief at the thought that someone wants to date me.

My mom brought the point up again last week. “Well, why would you sleep with someone you don’t intend to marry?” she said. Because I’m too young, I thought. I don’t think about relationships as being that serious yet, it’s impractical. I have dated two people in my lifetime. The odds are so unlikely that I’d meet anyone now and end up spending forever with them. I thought that I had just been a matter of logic, but perhaps it’s something more.

Thinking about this rationale, I’m suddenly rethinking a lot of things in my life of late. I mean if I intend to be married by thirty as I would ideally like, shouldn’t I be dating with the intention of marriage? But the thought seems so impossibly overwhelming. I can hardly pick my own clothes in the morning, how am I possibly suppose to pick the right guy?

We grow up with this vision of our lives. We’re going to be astronauts or presidents or princesses. We’re going to drive fancy cars and have plenty of money and of course, we’re going to meet our soul mate. But how in God’s name am I suppose to do that? 

When you think about the actual relationship process, perhaps as this kid did, you meet someone and get to know them and if you still like them you stay, and when you don’t, you leave it doesn’t seem like the right way to find “the one”. I mean, how will you know if they really are “the one,” how do you know if you haven’t just found someone you’re compatible with, settled down, and you’re soul mate is still out there. Your whole life could be unfulfilled and you wouldn’t even know it. And when you think about this, in relation to my life, it personally seems unsurmountable. I have this thing where I’m so incredibly afraid to fail that I tend to fail on purpose so as to at least feel in control and as if I have some hidden potential. The moments I do actually take a leap and apply myself are few and far between and tend to be completely minuscule things like calling my old boss to ask if I can pick up shifts over Christmas break. My entire life is one giant moment of hesitation.

In purpose of real world application on a smaller scale, my boyfriend has lately been talking about us getting married, and brought up proposing, and how he has a five year timeline - clearly he got the note about dating with the intention of marriage. I, on the other hand, no for a fact that this is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I play along as if there’s a “maybe” but I know that this is not what I want. And yet…I’m still here. I’ve rationalized the reasons - I’m happy, we’re good together, it’s better than being single, I love him, how I ended it too soon last time and will always regret it - but is any of it valid? Naturally, I know I will not regret this. I tend to follow the rule of knowing 100% what I want in any given moment, and so long as I listen to that voice and know that I am always doing the best I can to make the right choices in any given moment, I will never reget them, whatever those choices may be.

But how do you end things with someone you love and are happy with? All my life I’ve been the girl boys just stopped talking two. Only two guys I’ve liked have continued talking to me for more than two weeks, and I dated both of them at great length. To me, ending a relationship feels like giving up. I’m too nice for that. How do you just up and quit on someone you care about? And furthermore, the fear creeps in…a boy actually likes you Katherine. Don’t fuck this up. I start to worry he’ll be the last one that ever will.

But I hear him talk about vacations we’re going to take, and the house we’re going to live in, and all these beautiful things I know are just daydreams that he firmly believes will come to pass. I’m starting to think maybe it’d be nice to be in a situation where I could dream about a future with someone and actually believe it. When I see the frames we sell at the gift shop I work in it’d be nice to picture my face with someone’s in there, them having visited my childhood grounds and actually believe it could come to pass. The potential let down of such a serious relationship sounds terrifying - I barely survived Nathan - but maybe it’s worth it.

It seems like everyone else in the world is on the same page. Maybe it’s time I was too.

That Nagging Sensation

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you love me
I can see it in your eyes,
in your smile,
feel it in the way you kiss me

It's also no doubt that you're happy with me

But is that enough?
I constantly wonder
It eats at my heart strings like cancer
I've done everything I can possibly think of to try to make this work
I've bent over backwards trying to be understanding, trying to communicate in a way that worked for you, trying to make sure your emotional and physical needs were being met, sometimes even sacrificing my own
But is that enough?

The nagging feeling starts in the back of my mind as I notice the regularity of any given girls name on your screen
You have a past with her, how is that not suppose to bother me?
You tell me it's fine, tell me it's nothing to worry about - but that's what you said last time

I just want to be the only girl in your life
I never realized that was so much to ask

I get it, I chose to stay.
I chose to work through this, and I'm glad I did.
But how do you ever rebuild trust with someone who you know has the ability to lie to your face without batting an eye?
How do I get over the churning in my stomach that comes with the feeling that you're cheating?
How do I resist the urge to scour your phone the second you leave a room?

So, it's decided, this is it.
If you fuck up one more time, I'm gone.
Sometimes I doubt I'll even make it that long.
I can't take it anymore.
It's tearing me apart, eating me up inside.
Once upon a time I blamed it on you being a dumbass, oblivious to what you had
But the longer I stay, the more I let this go on, the more it starts to make me feel like there's something wrong with me 

And I don't ask for much,
Just honesty and faithfulness,
Things you knew from the very beginning when you chose to start this relationship

I know that you love me
There's not a doubt in my mind about that
And I love you oh so very much
I just hope that that's enough

idealist

true love is compatibility

two pieces of the same puzzle

through all fluxuation, it’s constant

it fits,  p e r f e c t l y

i don’t picture it being that way every time, of course

but there is such thing as great love

true love you share with one, great love you share with all the others that come before

i pictured it differently

my first great love that is

how it would grow into a kind of peaceful co-existence once it was over

great love -

two souls,

independent,

bound together by the power of what they shared

it isn’t suppose to just dissappear one day

it’s in the christmas cards they mail each other

the phone calls to catch up now and then

the being able to say, “hey remember that one time?”

growing from lovers, to old friends

a someone in your life who knows a piece of you better than anyone else could…

it’s acknowledging the power of what they shared

admitting that they will always appreciate each other

that the version of themself that lives on in that time will always go on loving the other

that’s how i always pictured young love

that’s what i always hoped for you and me

it’s not weird

it doesn’t imply any residual feelings

it isn’t some kind of desperate cry

let the memories wash over you like waves

when they come, soak them in, smile

it’s being happy, rather than ashamed

it’s being mature

it’s being honest with yourself

it’s being honest with each other

and i refuse to be ashamed for loving you once

and i refuse to let memories haunt rather than delight

you and i were always honest

Forward

I can see it now.
He’s going to have a son named Jack and a daughter named Lily - just like he planned.
Him and her will enjoy a life of mediocrity.
They have pseudo-important jobs.
They’ll live in a culdesac in Salinas, CA, no more than five minutes from the rest of his family.
His kids will go to the same schools as his brother and cousins and he did.
There house will be messy just like he is.
They’re alright looking kids will be smart ass liberally minded little brainiacs just like he is.
They’ll be raised Catholic, right along with the clan.
They’ll go on average family vacations.
They’ll have movie night every week.
He will slowly find himself turning into his father.
His uncle will still drive him crazy at every family dinner.

And I know this is a life that I did not want, a life I made a conscious choice to escape from in fact - so why is it that I can’t erase this picture I have of his future?
And why is it that it still pains me knowing that he’s going to be living it with her?

I've been home for almost two months.

Things with the family are good. I've actually gotten to spend time with my brothers who are growing up to be more and more awesome everyday. I've got not one but two good jobs that I'm very excited about. My relationship is in a good place right now. You'd think I'd be happy. And yet...


I just lost the last of my remaining best friends suddenly and without explanation. In a fit of loneliness and frustration at my prolonged pent up sobriety I got shit faced and made an absolute ass of myself in front of a virtual stranger. Every time I try to reach out, I only end up further rejected, sometimes at my own hand. :/ 


I'd like to go back to Boston now please.

This.

This isn't something I ever thought I would ever have to ever worry about. No one plans to be cheated on. No one thinks they'll fall for that kind of person. Everyone thinks they would leave the second it happened.

Unfortunately the world is gray.

I hate this. I hate that you did this. I know that it could've been worse, but could it? Could it really? I can't trust you. Not at all. Who knows what else you've lied about? Who knows if you're actually even owning up now? Was anything you ever said even true?

Because you didn't say sorry. Not once in our whole conversation. And you didn't seem remorseful. And somehow I got through that conversation, got through today, and I felt okay, even about us. But the more I think about it the more I start to wonder how much of this is me being a stupid girl who's fallen for a boy that doesn't deserve her.

And I just hate that the clock is ticking. I hate that I feel like I have to make the most out of our last few days. There is no hope of things happening naturally. I have to force it if I want to make this work. And somehow I can't feel like that's adding to the lies. I can't help but feel cheated; after all the work I did to get you, to keep you, I loose you only to circumstance.

And is it wrong that I'm almost not hurt? Yeah, I saw it coming I guess, but more. Like I expected it. Like I believed that I wasn't enough. No matter how hard I try I suddenly doubt whether it's just lies, or whether I ever actually make you happy.

It's not the worst, no. Cause mostly what I got out of this is that I'm fucking awesome and you're a goddamn twat. Too busy winning at life to shed a tear over someone who clearly didn't even deserve that.

Because I get you. And I know that sounds dumb to say, but I do. All your lies, all your bullshit. All your front that you put up so incredibly convincingly. But I see the cracks in the foundation. I see you for who, for what you are. Read you like a book even. I think that's part of why you lasted this long. You're a puzzle I wanted to solve; infuriated by how close and how far the answer always felt. And last night I saw it in your eyes. Some part of it got through to you. Finally, you weren't bullshit and innocent eyes and cocky humor - for just a moment, you were real.

I can't help be impressed at my composure. Livid, pulsating with anger, I still don't think even a word was out of place. Not an action would I change.

Mostly I just hate that you betrayed me after how good I've been too you.

Mostly I just hate the fact that I can't shake the feeling that as strong as I feel now, I might be in for another summer of crying myself to sleep alone each night over a boy who doesn't even care.

Doubt

You shouldn't be with someone you're unsure of, should you?

Somehow that seems counter-intuitive to me

To be with someone you don't respect

Someone you don't totally trust

Someone you have to defend and take care of all the time

Someone who doesn't much take care of you in return

But then I've never been much good with these things

It's weird, because the feelings are there

Just like last time

When he's with me I feel safe and happy; I know he has feelings for me

And there's even things that have never been there before, like passion, chemistry, attraction
Things I like

But the other things,

the things that brought the real, lasting happiness

...not so much

I'm going through the motions

I want to be with him

But I can't shake that uneasy feeling that something isn't quite right

And my gut tells me no time will be like last time

No one will ever be Nathan. That was different.

Special.

So maybe this is normal

Or maybe I am what I seem, a dumb lovesick girl dating a douchebag

But I want to be with him

Maybe because I so badly want him to want me

Or maybe it's because I see so much in him that he doesn't yet see in himself and I know that I can help him, that I'm good for him

Or maybe it's just because I can't stand the thought of being alone

Because I want so so badly to be in a relationship

I'm scared

I don't think I'm at a place where the one I'm with should be "the one" - it's too soon

But if I really let someone in again, if I really love again, like I did Nathan...

...I can't bare the thought of a loss like that. Not again.

So maybe this is some sort of coping strategy

Date a loser so you have reasons not to like him when it's over

But from years of experience I can tell you that you still get hurt all the same

Or maybe this is me punishing myself

Maybe I still don't believe that I deserve to be happy after the way things with Nathan ended

Or maybe I'm just crazy and tired

I want him to be perfect.

But he isn't.

And he never will be.

So I try to accept him for who he is,

because I care about him

But all that seems to get me is feeling neglected.

The "L" Word

It's a fine distinction. The difference between loving someone and being in love. Somewhere in the drunken haze between asleep and awake I saw it; felt it. I love you. And I don't mean that to be some big bad scary thing. It's just how it is. You are more than a friend to me, yes. But it's more that we have reached a point where I don't just like you, or care about you - I love you. I would be miserable if something happened to you. I want to keep you safe and happy. Just as I would any close friend.

And I know I can't tell you. You'd be terrified. You wouldn't understand. But I want to. In moments of comfort. When you kiss me awake. I want to just smile and tell you. Simple. Uncomplicated. Even though with you the words would drain the moment of their meaning.

And it's not that I couldn't fall in love with you. In fact, I fear sometimes that I might be ever so slightly. But there isn't time for that. It would benefit no party involved. We just can't go there. I can't go there. I wish we could. I know it'd be good for you. I wish I could be the girl to change your mind. But there isn't time. There isn't hope. Not with you anyway. Not now.

Mostly I just hope I can keep it to myself. The way things slip out sometimes with you.

You are so different.

We are so different.

I am so different.

A look back...

So, I'm sitting here reading my old blogs from senior year. How very much I have changed since then. The magnitude of daily drama seems so distant and trivial now. Some of the things that were once such a big deal I now don't even recall.

Those few months before college my writing makes a sharp difference - I lost my sense of wonder. Everything use to be so grandiose and full of promise, then, suddenly, it was like my writing lost it's innocence. Makes me sad. I had something great there. I think I'd like to try and bring a little innocent wonder back into my life.

So much else has changed too. So much is better. It's like all that shit I went through doesn't even matter because I survived it. I'm in college. I live on my own in a beautiful apartment where there is no yelling and no stress. My relationship with my mom is so incredibly different. In fact, she's probably one of my best friends. I call her for advice, opinion, and sometimes just to talk. I'm still not so lucky in love. I still go through those cycles of restlessness, though I now know it to be depression which I cope with. There's still doubt, there's still scars. But good God, it's so much better. Any teenager out there struggling right now, it's cliche, but it's true what they say, everything's a million times bigger right now. Life begins after high school. And it's wonderful.

I'm so incredibly grateful for this blog. The good and bad writings, the fact that I kept it up all these years. How wonderful it is to be able to look back on your life and remember exactly how you felt in that moment.

And mostly, not to brag or anything, but I am one goddamn fabulous writer. ;)

xo

A Song of Two Humans

Maybe it's that it's 5 a.m. or maybe I'm just a crazy film major, but I had this image just now. That scene, from "Sunrise." The one where he finally catches up with his wife. She stares up at him in trembling horror. So innocent. He's tall figure next to her petite frame instinctually foreboding. He tries his best to appear small. He does not mean to frighten, or overwhelm. Only to express himself. To ask for a chance.

Don't be afraid of me. The line from the film flashes. And I see it in my mind like I see your face.

Please don't run. Please don't be afraid because I like you and I can't keep it to myself anymore. I get that natural instinct might be telling you to run from my seemingly foreboding feelings. I can see the terror in your eyes, and in the way you safeguard your heart. But please, give me a chance. Please don't run from me because I like you. Please don't turn cold because I momentarily let it show that I care. I don't know how to be any less, but I also do not expect you to know how to be anymore.

Who I am is an affectionate person. I like terms of endearment and kissing your cheek. I want you to know that you're appreciated. It's not some expectation. This isn't an entrapment. There is no catch. I promise to never tell you one thing and mean another. You don't even have to reciprocate. But when I have somebody in my life like I've got you right now, I don't know how to turn off that care giver instinct. I'm going to bake you cupcakes and kiss you sweetly and ask you how you're day is going with genuine concern. It's who I am. Please don't run from it. All I'm asking for is a chance. I know you want it. I can see it in your eyes.

Let yourself feel. Let yourself be loved. Don't run from it. Don't run from me. I promise I won't hurt you. And should you hurt me, I promise I won't break.

Give me a chance. Give us a chance.

Don't be afraid of me.