Confinement

Like a caged animal in a zoo I feel trapped, confined. Sitting starring at these for walls I have no freedom. I am confined, restricted, obligated, trapped, tortured.

Day by day, I slowly feel my soul dying. My creative spark, my zest for life is slowly killed; murdered by the pressure and the obligation.

I want so much from this life. I want to taste the grapes of which Steinbeck so highly speaks and let the juices run down my chin without a care in the world. I want to see it, see it all; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to walk the streets of Venice, eat atop the Eiffel tower, walk the Great wall, and dive into the deep blues off the coast of Santorini. I want to help others, to do some good for this world, to change a life. I want to experience everything. I want to stay up all night in the city that never sleeps, to sleep amongst the wild animals on and African safari, to watch the sunrise over the Grand Canyon. I want to learn; to just go into a library and read for days: Kafka, and Marquez, and Melville, and Proust. I want to have as many wonderful adventures as there are stars in vast and beautiful sky. I want to say 'Yes" to every opportunity life presents me with. I want to fall in love, and get my heart broken, and then find love again. I want to write in a cafe in Rome, to follow a band across the countries on their world tour, to befriend the rich and the penniless alike. I want to live .

I want to do so many things; to live this life that I have been granted to the very fullest....but you see, I cannot ...for I am trapped. Trapped into these four walls. Obligated by duty to hold up my mother, protect my brothers, and brighten the lives of my friends. Confined by the restrictions of the life I am supposed to lead, the one where I go off to some fancy college and get a "real" job so that I can make money (because after all isn't money what life is all about? according to my parents it is anyway). Restricted to the government's belief that the best years of our life can best be spent in a classroom, straining under the weight of 6-8 hours of homework a night.

But I am tired. Tired of doing for others, tired of loosing joy in friendship because it has come to feel like just one more thing I have to do in my day, and mostly tired of letting school get in the way of my education (by that I mean my real education, the one that truly matters in this world, the one which can not be found in a classroom or a textbook but rather in the city streets and publications of great minds). And refuse to tolerate it any more. I refuse to let obligation guide my life. Because it is just that, MY life. And it's about time I started living it, about time we all did.

I could be hit by a bus and die this afternoon, and what have I really done with my life? Have I learned anything? Have I left any trace of existence on this world? Have I found enlightenment, or profound sense of self, or religion, or the meaning of life, or any true happiness at all? No. No I have not. And do you know why? Because I am confined to this room; to these for walls.

"Hello There, the Angel From My Nightmare..." (I Miss You)

In need closure. I can't take this anymore. I can't take you, haunting my every waking moment, invading my dreams. How do I make it stop? When will it end?

Why? Why do I torture myself with you? And how do you do it? How has six short days with you changed me so much? How did you so quickly develop such great power over me? A power that makes me long to hear your voice, to sit beside you, to see you again. A power that makes me cry myself to sleep because I miss you, because I blew it. A power that makes every story, every picture, every lyric rip my heart to shreds like it's the first day apart again.

Most of all why can't I let you go? Why can't I turn away, block you out, and pretend we'd never almost been something...I'm not quite sure as to what but it was something good...something more.

I know why I can't let you go. I'm not afraid to say it. It's because I don't want to. It's too painful. The thought that I might never see you again; never hear you laugh, smell your cologne, see that stupid smile and that sent my heart into a symphony.

I want, want so bad, more than anything I've ever wanted, to tell you. I am so tempted to just type your name; 11 tiny letters and the truth is out, my secret is uncovered. (Everyone else seemed to figure it out from the way just the way I looked at you, so how couldn't you have figured it out by now?) I want so bad just to talk to you, to explain. For you to call my phone right now, light up my face and my heart, and tell me you miss me. I want to explain why I am the way I am, why I blew it, and most of all how much you mean to me. I dream everyday of seeing you again, just one day, one hour, one minute, one chance to make it right. I would give anything to just go back to that place, back to the ballroom, back to that night, the night that I cared about you so much that it terrified me and I ran; ran away from you, away from our last night together, our last chance at more. The night I spent two hours getting ready for you. The night I cried the whole bus ride home, cried myself to sleep thinking my stupidity, my lost chance. The night I will regret for the rest of my life.

Why couldn't I just have let go? Just tell you how I felt and hoped it would be ok? I know why. Because in that instant I saw tons of gorgeous girls all over you, girls that I couldn't even begin to compare with. So if you, a teenage boy, had the option of them, then how could you ever possibly want me? In that moment I felt so scared, and so small, so stupid, and so incredibly unwanted.

I wonder, every moment, and with every breath I take, if I'm crazy. Did you even like me at all? Was everyone right, did you really care about me? Did I make your heart smile every time you saw me, just as you did to me? Did that rose, that stupid cheap ass plastic pink rose, the one at can't help but glance at every time I pass it, mean something? Or were you just being polite? Just following the orders of our "friends".

But, you see, it couldn't be, because I am not that special. I'm not worthy of someone like you. Someone who's face appears as if carved by the gods themselves. Someone so kind, so funny, so perfect. Because even through your "bad habit", even through your flaws, you appear perfect to me, and someone that amazing could never be meant for some stupid dork like me.

I liked you. I really REALLY liked you. More than anyone I've ever liked before. And it terrifies me that I may never see you again, that I may never feel that good ever again; but what's worse, is that you will never know, you will never read this, and you probably don't even care. It's so tempting to tag you, to tell you, to just let you know; but I won't because it wouldn't be right, your gone and I missed my chance. Even so, those few days we spent together were some of the happiest of my life. And now that I've met you, I can't imagine a world without you, and I can't imagine a world where there's no hope for us; even if I am just delusional.

You left foot print's on my heart, and I don't think I can ever erase them. And if there's a God, or fate, or any sort of goodness in the universe then maybe you'll read this, maybe your friends will, maybe you'll get it, maybe I'll see you again... and this time, I promise not to blow it, not to let you slip my fingers again; I would never let you slip through my fingers again. Just know that 3,600 miles away there is a girl missing a segment of her heart; a tiny piece that will forever belong to you. And if there is anything good out there, one thing that I could ever ask for than please, then please don't take this the wrong way should you stumble upon it; I know that I'm being dramatic and I don't mean to be weird or anything, I just.. I'm just... lost; lost because there is no map to heartache and I've never felt this way before, and I just know that this is how I feel.

My one wish in life? The thing I want most for Christmas and for always? Please, please don't ever forget me...because I know that I could never forget you. <3

SEEING RED

Ok, so I wrote this song a while back about...er...someone, and I finally finished it and I really love it so I wanted to post it. Now granted it's not quite the same as hearing it but I have no access to Chevell-ish background music at the present moment, so, here are the lyrics and I promise to record ASAP. Enjoy =)

"SEEING RED"

I'M SEEING RED
I CAN'T FIGHT BACK THESE TEARS
ALL THIS PAIN COMING FORTH
ALL THE RAGE; ALL THE FEAR
...IS JUST...
LEAVING ME NUMB, AND THEN
YOUR BREAKING MY HEART A-GAIN
EMOTION BURNING MY SOUL
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE
...SILENCE...
NOW THAT YOU'VE LEFT ME HERE
IN THE DARK CRYING IN FEAR

AND I'M SEEING RED
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE
MUST HAVE STEPPED
ON MY HEART
AS YOU WALKED OUT THE DOOR
...AND I...
CAN'T GO ON AN-Y-MORE
NOT SINCE YOU LOCKED THE DOOR
YOU MESSED WITH MY HEAD A-GAIN
AND I DON'T THINK I EVER SAID
... THAT I ONCE LOVED YOU

I'M SEEING RED
I CAN'T FIGHT BACK THESE TEARS
ALL THIS PAIN YOU'VE BROUGHT FORTH
ALL THE RAGE; ALL THE FEAR
AND I'M SEEING RED
JUST CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE
MUST HAVE STEPPED ON MY HEART
AS YOU WALKED OUT THE DOOR
...A-AND...
NOW THAT YOU'VE LEFT ME HERE
IN THE DARK, CRYING IN FEAR
I DON'T KNOW WHY I LOVED YOU
.....But I still love you- <3

Darkness

You know what I love about darkness? It like a protective blanket separating you from the rest of the world. In the silence of night you can go anywhere, be anybody, and do anything.

True, within the darkness, there are some scary things. Metaphorically there are secrets, shadows, danger, despair. And then there is physical danger like rapists, and cat burglars, and the bogey-man (so no big right? haha). But that's part of what makes night so wonderful. It is something very few can fully experience, something very take the time to try to appreciate. In order to fold into the darkness, you must embrace it, let it embrace you. You must be comfortable with the secrets, shadows, and the danger. You must be comfortable with yourself. You have to be able to look the boogey-man in the eye, and burst in to song and dance. (haha, now that I'd like to see)

I don't really think I'm making any sense, but if you have experienced darkness, really and truly embraced it and yourself, then you'll understand.

It makes me think of one of those classroom posters "It's who you are when know one is watching that matters." So, I pose this question: who are you when know one is watching? Who are you in the darkness?

I know who I am. I am a total geek. A girl who randomly bursts into song and dance, can laugh in the most earth-shatteringly difficult moment, and rocks out to blink-182 on the side of the dark road in polka-dot rain boots while walking her dogs at 6 on a Sunday night no matter who drives by (hence the contemporary inspiration for said rant). But I also know that I am strong, and smart, and beautiful (not to mention I could scare off the boogey man with just the thought of my dance moves, haha).

If any one is ever to find there bliss in life they must find themselves, find themselves in the darkness. And to really and truly be a remarkable person (this one I have yet to be able to fully accomplish), you must be that person in the light. One must be the same person in the private of darkness as they are when everyone is watching in the light. If one can accomplish that level of personal consistency, then they have accomplished true self-liberation and they have accomplished freedom from the darkness.

=)

Go Ask Alice- Eulogy Poem for English

So we wrote this poem for english class, and I'm pretty proud of my five minutes of effort here so I thought I'd post it. The assignment was to write an eulogy (can't spell) poem about the loss of something/someone and I wrote about recently losing one of my life's best friends. (So ya, make note, you mess with me, I don't take revenge, I write poetry, haha). Here goes:

GO ASK ALICE

The news has just arrived today,
My friend you are no more.
It’s not that I don’t care for you,
But rather I can’t find the girl I’m looking for.

Gone is the girl with the crazy dreams,
The girl who’d laugh all day,
The girl I’d tell my secrets to,
The girl I left when we moved away.

I miss your laugh,
your smile,
your voice,
The good times that we shared.
I miss the girl I once admired;
That girl’s no longer there.

For I know that Alice once did fall
Deep down the rabbit hole;
But you had me to hold you up;
Your excuse I’ll never know.

My friend had hopes,
and dreams,
and plans.
A soul sister is what she was;
But she fell in love with the wrong boy,
And abandoned our friendship for drugs.

Deeper down the rabbit hole,
She seemed to fall each week,
‘Til she shut me out completely
And now I’ll never know
The extent of the havoc that boy reeked.

So when you’re ready sister dear,
I’ll be here for you.
Your secrets I’ll keep ‘til my end,
Because that’s what true friends do.

...Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. =)

Pondering (A Rant on Relationships)

Like a knife to the chest, leaving me spinning, reeling, gasping for breath; but the air is gone, hope is gone. I am alone in the world without the nurture of sustenance. My source of light has been removed; the candle now belonging to another.
Why? Why does everyone on this Earth seem to find happiness but me? Why do I seem to be so inevitably left in the dust as the lives of others rapidly progress, speeding on to exciting new places. Have I committed a wrong, exhausted my karamatic resources, or simply become entangled in the web of problems in my current life to the extent that growth is impossible, liberation is impossible, without first undoing the damage that has been so wrongly done to me?
I understand that happiness is a fickle fiend. It requires one to first be worthy, to second work at it and to third be patient. But I have run out of patience, it was never a virtue of mine.
I am NOT and refuse to be one of those girls who is so desperate to have a relationship that she will do anything (or anyone for that matter) in the hopes of achieving it disregarding who it's with or it's level of stability; but I do sometimes look on with envy at the happiness of my peers.
At this point, I begin to wonder, why? What have I done that so alienates those people of interest? Don't I deserve some happiness after all the shit and misery I have dealt with in my life? Do I not deserve to love and be loved? What is wrong with me that others simply look away, or worse, look through me as if I'm not even really there?
That is the worst. When they don't even see you. They just look through. You get used to it after a while, like a ghost among the living you walk through life unseen. I almost prefer it to being known and alone.
What's sad is that I expect it. I've come to a point where I expect to be alone and unloved. Relationships seem to not be in the cards for me this time around. I seem so young to be so bitter, but I am not bitter, I have just come to accept it. Love is the source of heart-ache, and my heart can stand to ache no more. I am simply not at a level in the cosmos where I can take on any more.
The concept of invisibility seems so alluring as of now; just vanish into thin air, never to be heard of again. I long to elevate, to dissipate, to disperse into the universe, a thousand tiny particles, and move forward with life and the progression of my soul. I long to reincarnate, and start anew with those whom I care about, hoping that next time around, things just might have a chance to be.
So how do I progress from here? I shall cling to the princely figure; secreting hoping that someday, someone, will break down the walls, and save me from insanity, from destiny, from a life alone. I shall remain as always, a smile of a thousand lies and laughter to protect my heart from pain.
As for "them" the unavoidable male population? I shall hope that there is a fate, and that she shall be kind; I shall rest under her branches to protect myself from sun, my heart from pain, and hope that she may guide me, hope that the prince will come and that for a change he might do the pursuing rather than forcing me to pursue.

I don't believe any of this makes rational sense or has helped me sort out the mess of thoughts with corresponding feelings of opposition presenting running rampant through my being, but I feel better. If anyone read this, then thanks; perhaps some good shall come of it. =)

Decisions

Ok, so I got a bombshell today. My mom told me that I can go to whatever college I want and study whatever I want, if I even want to go to college, that is. I can't believe it. My parents, the people who told me I had to get my head out of the clouds because my dreams were never going to come true when I was 7. The people who have always told me that I have to go to college or I'll be disowned. The people who have put their pressuring claws into me, creating a chip on my shoulder and hunch in my back my whole life are actually going to let me make my own decisions?! WTF?! If you could see my expression, it is terribly confused.

Now, my parents have never exactly been advocates of the ivy league, because, apparently, I am far too lazy and stupid to even consider that option; however, they always advocated a private center for higher learning, something with a higher caliber than anything California had to offer (excluding Berkley and Standford of course). It was always rather implied that I was to go to some fancy school to study journalism and then become a news anchor. Only problem is, this is never what I wanted.

I want to be an actress. Correction, I am going to be an actress. The only question is which path do I take to get there. Finally, I have exactly what I have always wanted, control of my future; now if I could just figure out what I want. Do I follow the plan, go to NYU study journalism and then move to LA to try acting after? Or do I dive in, head first and go to UCLA or some other drama school and actually get a BA in acting? How can I, Katherine ----, 16 year old, scrawny-ass white girl, who only manage a 26 on her ACTs, and can't even manage to drive a car in a straight line, possibly be qualified to make this decision? Do I play it safe or follow my dream? Which path will prove wiser in the course of my life? And how can I ever possibly know what my life will bring?

I'm not entirely sure why I wrote this note. Some misplaced nostalgia from my days in the blogging world, perhaps? But what I do know is that I can not wait to be 18 and I desperately want control of my life. I want to be an actress, a writer, a world traveler; but how do I get there? And since when am I qualified to do things on my own? I'm starting to realize why so many people fall short of there dreams, the world is a scary place. I just hope that I can hold my ground and follow my heart; but first I just hope I can figure out what is my heart is trying to tell me....<3