Like a knife to the chest, leaving me spinning, reeling, gasping for breath; but the air is gone, hope is gone. I am alone in the world without the nurture of sustenance. My source of light has been removed; the candle now belonging to another.
Why? Why does everyone on this Earth seem to find happiness but me? Why do I seem to be so inevitably left in the dust as the lives of others rapidly progress, speeding on to exciting new places. Have I committed a wrong, exhausted my karamatic resources, or simply become entangled in the web of problems in my current life to the extent that growth is impossible, liberation is impossible, without first undoing the damage that has been so wrongly done to me?
I understand that happiness is a fickle fiend. It requires one to first be worthy, to second work at it and to third be patient. But I have run out of patience, it was never a virtue of mine.
I am NOT and refuse to be one of those girls who is so desperate to have a relationship that she will do anything (or anyone for that matter) in the hopes of achieving it disregarding who it's with or it's level of stability; but I do sometimes look on with envy at the happiness of my peers.
At this point, I begin to wonder, why? What have I done that so alienates those people of interest? Don't I deserve some happiness after all the shit and misery I have dealt with in my life? Do I not deserve to love and be loved? What is wrong with me that others simply look away, or worse, look through me as if I'm not even really there?
That is the worst. When they don't even see you. They just look through. You get used to it after a while, like a ghost among the living you walk through life unseen. I almost prefer it to being known and alone.
What's sad is that I expect it. I've come to a point where I expect to be alone and unloved. Relationships seem to not be in the cards for me this time around. I seem so young to be so bitter, but I am not bitter, I have just come to accept it. Love is the source of heart-ache, and my heart can stand to ache no more. I am simply not at a level in the cosmos where I can take on any more.
The concept of invisibility seems so alluring as of now; just vanish into thin air, never to be heard of again. I long to elevate, to dissipate, to disperse into the universe, a thousand tiny particles, and move forward with life and the progression of my soul. I long to reincarnate, and start anew with those whom I care about, hoping that next time around, things just might have a chance to be.
So how do I progress from here? I shall cling to the princely figure; secreting hoping that someday, someone, will break down the walls, and save me from insanity, from destiny, from a life alone. I shall remain as always, a smile of a thousand lies and laughter to protect my heart from pain.
As for "them" the unavoidable male population? I shall hope that there is a fate, and that she shall be kind; I shall rest under her branches to protect myself from sun, my heart from pain, and hope that she may guide me, hope that the prince will come and that for a change he might do the pursuing rather than forcing me to pursue.
I don't believe any of this makes rational sense or has helped me sort out the mess of thoughts with corresponding feelings of opposition presenting running rampant through my being, but I feel better. If anyone read this, then thanks; perhaps some good shall come of it. =)
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