In need closure. I can't take this anymore. I can't take you, haunting my every waking moment, invading my dreams. How do I make it stop? When will it end?
Why? Why do I torture myself with you? And how do you do it? How has six short days with you changed me so much? How did you so quickly develop such great power over me? A power that makes me long to hear your voice, to sit beside you, to see you again. A power that makes me cry myself to sleep because I miss you, because I blew it. A power that makes every story, every picture, every lyric rip my heart to shreds like it's the first day apart again.
Most of all why can't I let you go? Why can't I turn away, block you out, and pretend we'd never almost been something...I'm not quite sure as to what but it was something good...something more.
I know why I can't let you go. I'm not afraid to say it. It's because I don't want to. It's too painful. The thought that I might never see you again; never hear you laugh, smell your cologne, see that stupid smile and that sent my heart into a symphony.
I want, want so bad, more than anything I've ever wanted, to tell you. I am so tempted to just type your name; 11 tiny letters and the truth is out, my secret is uncovered. (Everyone else seemed to figure it out from the way just the way I looked at you, so how couldn't you have figured it out by now?) I want so bad just to talk to you, to explain. For you to call my phone right now, light up my face and my heart, and tell me you miss me. I want to explain why I am the way I am, why I blew it, and most of all how much you mean to me. I dream everyday of seeing you again, just one day, one hour, one minute, one chance to make it right. I would give anything to just go back to that place, back to the ballroom, back to that night, the night that I cared about you so much that it terrified me and I ran; ran away from you, away from our last night together, our last chance at more. The night I spent two hours getting ready for you. The night I cried the whole bus ride home, cried myself to sleep thinking my stupidity, my lost chance. The night I will regret for the rest of my life.
Why couldn't I just have let go? Just tell you how I felt and hoped it would be ok? I know why. Because in that instant I saw tons of gorgeous girls all over you, girls that I couldn't even begin to compare with. So if you, a teenage boy, had the option of them, then how could you ever possibly want me? In that moment I felt so scared, and so small, so stupid, and so incredibly unwanted.
I wonder, every moment, and with every breath I take, if I'm crazy. Did you even like me at all? Was everyone right, did you really care about me? Did I make your heart smile every time you saw me, just as you did to me? Did that rose, that stupid cheap ass plastic pink rose, the one at can't help but glance at every time I pass it, mean something? Or were you just being polite? Just following the orders of our "friends".
But, you see, it couldn't be, because I am not that special. I'm not worthy of someone like you. Someone who's face appears as if carved by the gods themselves. Someone so kind, so funny, so perfect. Because even through your "bad habit", even through your flaws, you appear perfect to me, and someone that amazing could never be meant for some stupid dork like me.
I liked you. I really REALLY liked you. More than anyone I've ever liked before. And it terrifies me that I may never see you again, that I may never feel that good ever again; but what's worse, is that you will never know, you will never read this, and you probably don't even care. It's so tempting to tag you, to tell you, to just let you know; but I won't because it wouldn't be right, your gone and I missed my chance. Even so, those few days we spent together were some of the happiest of my life. And now that I've met you, I can't imagine a world without you, and I can't imagine a world where there's no hope for us; even if I am just delusional.
You left foot print's on my heart, and I don't think I can ever erase them. And if there's a God, or fate, or any sort of goodness in the universe then maybe you'll read this, maybe your friends will, maybe you'll get it, maybe I'll see you again... and this time, I promise not to blow it, not to let you slip my fingers again; I would never let you slip through my fingers again. Just know that 3,600 miles away there is a girl missing a segment of her heart; a tiny piece that will forever belong to you. And if there is anything good out there, one thing that I could ever ask for than please, then please don't take this the wrong way should you stumble upon it; I know that I'm being dramatic and I don't mean to be weird or anything, I just.. I'm just... lost; lost because there is no map to heartache and I've never felt this way before, and I just know that this is how I feel.
My one wish in life? The thing I want most for Christmas and for always? Please, please don't ever forget me...because I know that I could never forget you. <3
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