Confinement

Like a caged animal in a zoo I feel trapped, confined. Sitting starring at these for walls I have no freedom. I am confined, restricted, obligated, trapped, tortured.

Day by day, I slowly feel my soul dying. My creative spark, my zest for life is slowly killed; murdered by the pressure and the obligation.

I want so much from this life. I want to taste the grapes of which Steinbeck so highly speaks and let the juices run down my chin without a care in the world. I want to see it, see it all; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to walk the streets of Venice, eat atop the Eiffel tower, walk the Great wall, and dive into the deep blues off the coast of Santorini. I want to help others, to do some good for this world, to change a life. I want to experience everything. I want to stay up all night in the city that never sleeps, to sleep amongst the wild animals on and African safari, to watch the sunrise over the Grand Canyon. I want to learn; to just go into a library and read for days: Kafka, and Marquez, and Melville, and Proust. I want to have as many wonderful adventures as there are stars in vast and beautiful sky. I want to say 'Yes" to every opportunity life presents me with. I want to fall in love, and get my heart broken, and then find love again. I want to write in a cafe in Rome, to follow a band across the countries on their world tour, to befriend the rich and the penniless alike. I want to live .

I want to do so many things; to live this life that I have been granted to the very fullest....but you see, I cannot ...for I am trapped. Trapped into these four walls. Obligated by duty to hold up my mother, protect my brothers, and brighten the lives of my friends. Confined by the restrictions of the life I am supposed to lead, the one where I go off to some fancy college and get a "real" job so that I can make money (because after all isn't money what life is all about? according to my parents it is anyway). Restricted to the government's belief that the best years of our life can best be spent in a classroom, straining under the weight of 6-8 hours of homework a night.

But I am tired. Tired of doing for others, tired of loosing joy in friendship because it has come to feel like just one more thing I have to do in my day, and mostly tired of letting school get in the way of my education (by that I mean my real education, the one that truly matters in this world, the one which can not be found in a classroom or a textbook but rather in the city streets and publications of great minds). And refuse to tolerate it any more. I refuse to let obligation guide my life. Because it is just that, MY life. And it's about time I started living it, about time we all did.

I could be hit by a bus and die this afternoon, and what have I really done with my life? Have I learned anything? Have I left any trace of existence on this world? Have I found enlightenment, or profound sense of self, or religion, or the meaning of life, or any true happiness at all? No. No I have not. And do you know why? Because I am confined to this room; to these for walls.