Island of Hope

So a friend of mine and I were talking the other day in a group and we were being all girly with the 20 questions and whatnot, and it came up that I'd never been kissed (I know, my life is a bad Drew Barrymore movie; pathetic, eh?) and she said to me "That's really good" and I sort of sat there like, "WTF? Are you kidding me, how is that good exactly?" She then went on to say something along the lines of, it's good because my heart has been safe and I haven't had to deal with the pain of boys because they're all stupid. Cliche as I am, I then proceeded to whip out the timeless classic "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" at which point she responded with "Yes, but once you've loved, it's harder to do so again because your so scared of getting hurt."

My last few days have basically been musing on this concept. As Mr. M would say, it has been part of my recent "education". It has led me to somewhat of an epiphany. I complain about it far too much, but a year and a half ago, I got my heartbroken. It was not even a big deal, and yet I fell for him, hardcore, and clearly I didn't mean anything in return once the dust settled. Anyway, this was just the most recent and detrimental in a lifetime of rejection by men. I realize now that the reason that loosing him has hurt me so much, the reason it took me far more time to get over than I should've, is that in loosing him, it felt like that was it, like that was my one chance at love, at feeling that great sense of euphoria and hope, and it was over. Things hurt so bad because I lost hope, which slowly caused me to lose confidence, and even my sense of self in the downward spiral of the last 6 months or so. (A stupid stoner ruined my recent life, pathetic eh? Especially since it is due to another stupid stoner that my entire life has been fucked up to this point. I seem to have a Kryptonite in them. lol)

What I realize now as I find myself moving on and searching for a new relationship, even having found a guy whom I really like, is that it may be the case that I self-sabotage. I've learned that in time all the boys I like loose interest; things get screwed up. Whether it is my fault or not, my sense of paternal abandonment issues lead me to constantly blame myself. While I am on the one hand filled with elation at the prospect of this new person, I at the same time restrain myself, knowing that I will eventually just mess it up before getting to the good part, so what's the point of getting my hopes up, you know? And unfortunately I know, thanks to years of my mothers attempts to therapize my man issues out of my system, that this will ultimately result in me settling for someone I don't really love or someone who is not good enough me (in all statistical odds, someone like my father), simply because I crave their acceptance and affections. (*sigh* My life really is a crappy Drew Barrymore movie, haha).

So what I now I'm prepared to rebuttal with to this friends argument, is that just because one has not loved, does not mean they are not afraid to love. In my opinion, it is far better to have had the true experiences of a relationship and then suffer the pain of loss at it's close, then to never have even got to enjoy it and ultimately face the same rejection.

I don't know; I seem to be pathetically girly lately. I'm just ready for someone to believe in me, even if it is just a compensation for a lack of belief in myself. I just wish that in this sea of sadness I could find an island of hope-someone who will say yes.