It's Complicated...

I remember meeting you so clearly. You were wearing the stupidest hat I'd ever seen, but, like the scent of spring, something about you drew me in. It was as if I already knew you.

In all honesty, I never thought we'd be friends. I thought, he's cute and that's about it. I walked away that last January afternoon, your number safely tucked away in my phone and expected nothing more. But then we started talking. Everyday we talked, about music and movies and philosophy and life; until my phone bill had gone well past my texting limit. And somewhere along the way, you became my best friend and I became yours.

Two years have passed and with them, we have grown so much; but even so, through the time and distance and my mom and everything else coming between us, we got through it together. Without even knowing it, you helped me through my first heartbreak and my parents divorce. You were there for all the big moments, and almost a year ago now, you told me that you loved me; and, though I may not have acknowledged it at the time, I heard you loud and clear, every sweet sylable.

Sometimes I wonder about us. Between you and me, things are not always explicit. We don't say everything we mean, a lot is implied, and I rather like it that way; but sometimes it means I worry that this is all in my head. I feel really twisted sitting here, listening to you talk about your girlfriend, helping you plan the perfect date, when really, it tears me up inside. (Let's just say helping you fall in love with another girl is not exactly the best Saturday night I could ask for.) Yet, at the same time, I love you and I love how hard you work for these girls and I do want you to be happy, no matter what that means for me. But I can't say it isn't confusing to hear you say how much you like one girl one minute, and how much you love me the next. (...Cue Taylor Swift background music, anyone?)

I know that you care about me as much as I do you; but at the same time, I'm scared. Even though I know that nothing I could ever do would effect us, I worry. I worry that taking things to the next level might make it harder to be so far from you. I worry that being with you, means the end of possibility in my life, since, I know that being with you I'll never want to be with anyone else (because let's be honest here, your sister even thinks we are going to get married some day haha) And most of all, I worry that I might screw things up and loose my best friend and the best thing that has ever happened to me, you.

The hardest part of it all, is that there is no real word for you. Sometimes I call you my boyfriend, but that I know is a lie; and yet, best friend doesn't quite fit either. It's complicated and I hate it. I miss you. I miss your voice and your eyes and even your stupid hat. I miss your curly hair and your awesome facial expressions. I hate that my friends chatter about their stupid trivial romantic affairs and mock me for always being single, when I have you, but just too far for them to see.

Every night at 11:11 I wish for you, for us. I want to see your name in my relationship status, hang out with you and your sister in all your twin-tastic craziness. You are exactly my brand of heroin and I am heavily addicted. I cannot wait to see you again and, even if things don't ever work out for us, I look forward to having you in my top 8 when we're old and can't read computer screens anymore. You are my best friend and I love you forever, no matter what babe. <3