Real

This weekend has been amazing. The first time in forever that I had nothing, absolutely nothing I should be doing. I watched movies, did some catching up with an old friend, and even got to sleep in until 11 one morning. ...And then I decided to log into BYU, just on the off-chance that the grade for my Spanish final was up...big fucking mistake. Not only did I not pass, I got six percent worse then on my last final. I literally just stared at the computer screen in disbelief. I have spent six months of my life on that class - studied and slaved over a computer for hours, lied, cheated, battled, and stolen just to pass -and in the end it all means nothing. I guess that's just karma's way of saying "fuck you Katherine" because honestly, that's what I deserve after this weekend; clearly I didn't deserve to be that euphorically happy.

I began to cry. First it was just terror of my mom. How the fuck am I going to tell her? Because this unstoppable hurricane of tears, unmistakeable especially due to my unfortunately pale and rosy complection, is certainly going to give away the fact that something is wrong. I really thought that maybe this was it, that maybe now I would finally get to have a little bit of a life, that maybe for the first time since fall of sophomore year I would be ungrounded (I mean, I've even been getting along with my mom and everything); but I know this is going to be the last straw. At the very least I will be grounded until June, no phone, no car, no prom, and at the very most I could be kicked out outright. I'm literally just shaking in fear of what wrath I'm about to face.

The truly scary thing is the thought of the fact that there are scarier consequences for this than my mother. I may not get into college. I may not have a place to live in a few months, or a job to support myself, or a mode of transportation to get to my job, or hell, even access to a computer to make blog posts. I mean, I have always felt alone in this world, but I am just now realizing that in 174 days I will actually be alone. I may have just lost my entire future on one stupid semester of Spanish 3. Suddenly, I'm not waiting for a college acceptance letter, I'm just hoping for a space at the local community collge. Forget about being a journalist or an executive, let's pray that in this economy I can get a job as a waitress. Suddenly, I'm facing the fact that a future I was once so excited for might be gone- and the actual future has got me absolutely petrified. The future is no longer what I imagined, or hoped for, or planned. Because of one little mis-step, it is terryifyingly, undeniably, devastatingly real.