1-12-10

There's really no way to define this post except by the date.
I could probably write at least 6 different posts about today.
I think I'll just stick with one that's a disorganized journal-style mess however if that's alright.

It's finals week. I'm not really sure I got the memo. It didn't really occur to me until I sat down in my Spanish test today (which I bombed, in case you were wondering). I should actually be studying for the two major ones I have tomorrow right now...but...that's not really my prerogative.

Hung out with my best friend's boyfriend today after "school". It was good because even though I know him, I feel like I don't really know him and I really am trying to. We share someone very important in common and so I really want to be his friend, but it still kind of feels like that's the only thing we have in common. It's weird because I'm usually really good at being friends with couples; I think it's just a matter of time. I'm not the kind of person who can just fall into a social situation. As control freak as it is, I work very hard at developing and maintaining the relationships I have with people. So hopefully I will get there soon. I realized in retrospect some part of me is hesitant about how I feel with him being with my best friend. (I mean, he's awesome; but is he good enough for her?) I think mostly that was just my own weird though. Certainly didn't help that I was sitting there at a park with him a few hundred feet from school helping him lite his cigarette. Especially didn't help that it was only the second time in my life I have actually seen one up close (and was therefore freaked out) and he was waving it around like it was nbd. Which it probably wasn't; but to me it was (not that he would know that or that I would want him to).

The whole drive home I was thinking about how much my perceptions/tolerance levels have changed lately. When I entered high school, I was very strictly straightedge. I was against drugs and alcohol and everyone that did them. When I realized how many people actually do however, the line got blurry. Just because my drug-addict of a father's self-medicating marijuana habits have been toxic to his life, and in my experience, the way he treats me, doesn't make every user a bad person. I even seriously consider trying some stuff a while back. Though I'm still uncomfortable with the whole illegal substances stuff, the line is definately more blurry and everything more situational now (I hear this is a sign I'm growing up). And I realize how grateful I am to have gotten some real world experience this year in an environment I can control. Because had I not, I think I would've been so shell-shocked next year I would never have left my dorm. ...Probably still will be, but that we can handle later, haha.

For the last two hours I've pretty much just been chilling, watching tv. Sometimes I feel so incredibly lame. I know I'm probably not, but I feel like I'm the only 17 year old who sits home alone eating chocolate chips, yelling at the television set when the main characters do something stupid. I love my time home alone though. I think it's the one time in the world where I feel happiest. There's no one around to judge me; I can actually just be myself.

Then I logged into blogger and noticed internet boy updated his. Really and truly do not want to turn this into some sort of secret message code writing bullshit though so I think I'll try to avoid that. I will say that it was incredibly nice to actually see myself mentioned among the other girls he always writes about (even if he did get a few things wrong).

Should probably get back to internet sleuthing, watching The Secret Life, and texting. Just another fabulous day in my fascinating life *rolls eyes* haha.

Peace.