Saturday, January 9, 2010

Settling

So in opening my Spanish book today I discovered a letter that I must've written some time ago. I actually don't remember the specifics, or even ever writing it, but it is in my hand writing and I do vaguely recall the sentiment. Thought I would post. here goes:


I really wish I could talk to you right now. My world just seems to be crashing in around me; I just want to hide in the warm comfort of your voice. It's not just dealing with my mom and feeling my soul slowly die in the hell they call high school. It's like, I use to be able to do this - to pretend at least; but I'm done. Done with wasting days of my life away under someone else's command. Done with these petty people and their petty problems.

The thing I didn't realize I was afraid of til just now, is the uncertainty of the future. For the most part, I'm eager and excited...but what if I never really escape? What if I find I'm just as bored and unable to learn in college? What if the world is just high school and the most exciting thing I get to deal with on a daily basis is my cat? I kind of thought I was better than that. I know I wanted more for myself than that.

It's kind of one of the things that worries me about "us". I see the life you have planned out for yourself. It's very ordinary and stable and I respect that. You will probably work in the same field your entire life, live in the same city even - you have a direction. But I want more than that. I want to travel, and shake things up, and never live the same day twice. The thing is, the more I start to care about you, the more I simplify my life goals: state schools, more common career goals, community college even. I don't know if you're the catalyst, or merely a symptom of a greater problem; but I'm concerned.

I don't want to spend forever with you. I don't want to settle myself into the comfortability of your, or anyone else's dreams, just because it's easier then trying to realize and accomplish my own. I want more than that in life, more than you. But the more I fall for you, the more my world crashes and your love seems like the only light in the distance, the easier it is to forget this - the more tempting it is to just settle my heart in the comfort of yours and seek refuge from the big bad world.

2 comments:

  1. Wow, this is so terribly insightful.

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  2. I agree with Sara.
    Also, I can relate.
    Lastly, Katherine, you are an amazing writer and a wonderfully thoughtful individual. It may seem frustrating to think so much and so deeply and have dilemmas all the time but it's a good sign, in my opinion at least.

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